New Dawn of Narabin

Frustration and Aggravation

2011-12-12T00:56:00.002-05:00

Breathing deeply, counting down from whatever, stopping to identify what I'm thinking and how it's making me feel. All shit. None of it is working.

I'm angry and frustrated, depressed, tired ... fuck it. I'm everything I hate being - all at the same fucking time.

I have a house guest staying with me who I realize now is just making me miserable. His very presence - or rather more often his lack of presence - has a fiery, nearly irrepressible rage building in me. Defying all practices of common decency that one extends a gracious host - someone who has given up a portion of their own already meager living space - this person flaunts how little they give a shit about me by coming home and crawling into bed whenever they damn well please without letting me know they'll be out late, by spending an entire weekend elsewhere without telling me they weren't going to be around, and by generally making me feel like I can't do the things I'm comfortable doing in my own home.

They pout when they're bored because I'm using my TV or game consoles to entertain myself. They take up way too much space in the bed. They have shown little regard for the arrangement of items on my desk (as messy as it is, it's by no means disorganized - I know where everything is!).

Basically, they're treating my home like an extended stay hotel and it's pissing me off.

Beyond that, I realize that I'm feeling something more upsetting due to my current living situation. It's a feeling that resembles one all too familiar to me in my personal life. I'm feeling abandoned by someone I care about. I'm feeling left behind. I'm feeling replaceable ... and replaced.

This feeling sucks more than any other. It's the feeling I hate most in the world. And it's something I feel every minute of every day. It never leaves me, it never goes away. It never diminishes or lets up. It is a constant burden.

For all my generosity and love, kindness and affection, I'm repaid with nothing but the hurt of being ignored and forgotten.

No one should have to feel this way.

Where would you like to spend your retirement?

2011-07-25T11:46:00.001-04:00

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, retirement. That's an old wives tale: "One day, if you've worked hard enough, you won't have to work anymore." Hahahaha, retirement. That's a good one.

Ask me anything

Desperate to Become

2011-04-14T22:22:00.003-04:00

There's a story in one of the episodes of West Wing that I love. It's about a guy in a hole. Leo tells it to Josh when he's having trouble with PTSD after being shot:

This guy is walking down the street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he can't get out. A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up, "Hey you, can you help me out?" The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up, "Father, I'm down in this hole, can you help me out?" The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. "Hey Joe, it's me. Can you help me out?" And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, "Are you stupid? Now we're both down here." The friend say, "Yeah, but I've been down here before and I know the way out."

I wish I had a friend who would jump in the hole right now. I love my friends for the support they offer, but I have no idea how to get out. I have no idea where I'm going, or what I'm doing. A few months ago it was so clear ... and slowly that clarity began to fade. The opportunities I wanted to pursue became unreachable. Doors have closed on me, and the choices I've made that seemed right at the time now appear to be just a recurrence of the same mistakes I've made before.

All this has happened before and all of it will happen again ...

I feel like the spark inside of me is desperate to become a raging fire, illuminating my world with a light that changes everything: how people see me, how they see themselves, how we interact with each other. I feel like there's something incredible inside of me that's simply trapped by this unimpressive mortal shell.

I don't know how to let it out.

If you could change one thing that happened last year what would it be?

2011-02-11T11:41:00.001-05:00

I wouldn't have stopped going to the gym. Honestly, that was the only thing I think I did wrong last year.

Ask me anything

What's the secret to happiness?

2011-02-11T11:39:00.001-05:00

Killing the people who make you unhappy.

Ask me anything

Determined to ... Choose?

2011-02-06T22:54:00.002-05:00

I have selected a path for myself and determined that I will seek to go down it, following it to what I believe will be an end destination that I need to reach. I did not intend for that to be my destination, but in taking the paths that I have to this point in my life, I've put more distance between where I am and where I originally wanted to be than I had ever expected.

Now I'm left with choices: a) to take a new path to a new place that has the potential to either link me back to my original destination or could lead me to somewhere I hadn't anticipated at all, or b) to continue wandering aimlessly in the woods, trying to find my way to my original destination while struggling through the rough terrain.

As it stands, I'm pretty certain I'm going to pursue option A. I have been excited about the plan for the last few days, but a nervousness has set in. It's crept up on me for the past few hours, and it's the same hesitation that strikes me whenever I consider an option so foreign to the mindset I've held for the past decade; that mindset being that I have to do what I for years have said I want to do. Can I abandon those goals, even if for only a few years?

I have spent a decade wanting to be involved in film. My pursuit of that goal - and every investment of time and money into it - has led me to a point where I am worse off than I would have ever imagined possible. Now, a new option could restore control to my life - by conceding a great deal of control over it for several years.

I have no doubt that I have the mental and physical endurance to succeed in my pursuit of this new option, but my real concern is that thing which has paralyzed my decision-making process in the past: a fear of committing to the unknown. If I embark on this journey, I will be but a single crew member on the ship - with no control over the choice of destination, only over how best I can contribute to its successfully arriving there. Can I handle that? In seeking to empower myself again, can I give up most of what little power I have left?

As frightening as that notion is to me, I know I can. In the last five years, I've tried to help others with problems that have overwhelmed them - it's a role I've gravitated toward consistently. I don't regret a minute of the time that I've spent in relationships with people who ultimately chose paths that led them away from me - paths they must have believed would lead them to somewhere better than where they were with me. But if I don't in this moment confront my own needs, then I will never be of any service to the people I love - because I won't even be of good use to myself.

Option A will put me in direct confrontation with my biggest fear - the uncertainty of the future. It will be a path I will walk alone. No one can join me on this journey. In a way, the first steps forward are a leap of faith.

I have immense faith in myself to do what is right. That's why I'm going to talk to a recruiter. That's why I'm going to seek to enroll in officer candidate school for the US Navy.

I've surrounded myself with friends who all have immense potential within them to do great things. Some have already reached that point; for others it is a long journey with a ways yet to go. All of them are already amazing people in my eyes. I can only hope that in me can be seen the same potential for greatness. I feel like it is there, and I want to unleash it.

I want to show them that I really am what I have believed myself to be all along - a leader, a warrior, and a pillar of support. Most of all, I want control of my life again.

We don't always get the luxury of doing what's comfortable in our lives. Coasting along without confronting our problems does nothing for us. In a way, our fears are all one and the same: a fear of the unknown ... that the repercussions of challenging the thing that embodies our fear will result in a fate worse than anything we can imagine.

I am not going to let my fear prevent me from achieving great things. I hope that my decision can inspire others to confront their own fears. If it does, then I will consider my life a success.

Steel

2011-01-26T11:13:00.002-05:00

"The strongest steel goes through the hottest fire," as the saying goes. I know I am not a perfect person - no one can be (regardless of what Dan or Angi have to say about it). But I feel like I improve with regularity - a consistency of personal growth that makes me feel like my life has meaning even in those times when I can't figure out my purpose.

With every failure, I try to find a lesson in defeat. I try to figure out what went wrong, what my weaknesses are, and how to fix them so that I don't fail again.

Relationships have been my biggest failing, despite having put such immense effort forth in them. And I know the reason.

It wouldn't surprise her to find that my greatest weakness is one that Angi has warned me of for years, though it might surprise her to hear me say it myself: I neglect my own needs. I have immense pride in who I am, and I have a very strong awareness of myself, but I frequently put the needs of others over my own.

I would wager that if you scoured this blog, you'd find similar revelations at other trying moments in my life. This isn't a new discovery. Nor are the promises to help myself new, either. I do not follow through on my commitments to myself. Because, too often, I fall into the same pattern of "superhero syndrome" - flying off to rescue someone else before I've built my own proper foundation on which to stand.

It's no surprise then that when things get rough, my relationships struggle. When neither person has built their own strong base, our life together is destined to fail.

"And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand." - Matthew 7:26

2011 has not yet shown itself to be the best year for me. But I feel there is potential in it, and in me to make it a great year.

I thank my friends and family, who have been so supportive of me, to prod me when I appear apathetic to my task at hand - building myself a life worthy of the energy I've spent these last ten years. I am establishing for myself a 100-day plan that is intended to result in a better quality of life for myself.

I can accomplish it, if I focus on building my own solid foundation. When the time is right, after I've built a life for myself, then I can focus on building a greater one with someone else.

Today is for me.

Seeking Refuge in Words

2011-01-24T09:52:00.006-05:00

I have at many times in my life felt sad, depressed, and lonely. In those times, I've often turned to writing for solace - comfort found in the ability to put my thoughts to words, for all the world to see, or no one but myself. I still have my letters to no one from the period after John left me; here in the archived journals of nearly the past ten years, you could find many days of sorrow.

Right now, words give me no comfort. My mind finds no peace in organizing the chaotic storm of thoughts that fill my head. In this moment, I am simply numb, and my hands perform a task of stenography to record for posterity what is happening.

I expected that if this moment came I would be more heartbroken - perhaps I will be later. Right now, though, I feel as though this was to be expected. John, William, Stephen and Stephen. A consistent string of un-successes - not failures, but rather misplayed romances. These loves held infinite possibilities, but never reached them because there existed in each a great imbalance.

It is said that "The person who cares least in a relationship has the most power," and I know that is true. I have only taken one opportunity to empower myself against that kind of imbalance, and it was the choice to end my last relationship.

This time, however, there is a stranger force at work against me. It's not the simplicity of a personal selfishness - the typical catalyst for a breakup. It's something more complex and sinister. It's a fractured psyche - a beautiful mind and soul overwhelmed by the torments of his past, and preventing him from seeing a future.

Unfortunately for him, it doesn't just prevent him from seeing a future with me, but from seeing a future with anyone. He may not know this now, but then as far as I can tell, I'm the only person he's had moderate success dating in almost two years, and it is probably because I'm not like most people - I have significantly more patience and understanding in the failings of others than do most.

I think that this is why I'm not more hurt. I understand that he is in ten kinds of pain, with no relief in sight. He can't make the commitment that I want, but he desires a friendship with me that transcends the platonic - our friendship was built upon love, and most of its base was constructed by me. As someone who loves him dearly, I'm afraid of what will happen when I'm not here - I've constructed a pretty good idea of what his life was like before we became friends, and to think of him slumping back into a habit of compulsive self-medication, with no regard for his own sense of self-worth (or perhaps as a deranged attempt to inflate that value), bothers me tremendously. And it is all hidden behind a bullshit facade in the form of a mindless mantra - "I want to live with no regrets."

I spoke to a friend of mine recently who went through troubles of her own with her military husband. When we talked of our significant others' personalities, their behaviors were almost mirrored - an inability to talk about their problems, building emotional barriers, compulsive self-medication (in the form of sex), under-appreciating the people who care for them ... and a "no regrets" philosophy.

I'm generous when I call it a philosophy. The concept of "living with no regrets," is a misapplied notion in this instance. The people who do what he is doing aren't living with no regrets - they're being cavalier about how they lead their lives and they are doing exactly what they propose not to be doing: they're creating pasts that they will later regret, filled with choices and decisions that, in hindsight, were the true mistakes.

Worse than that, though, is that in this instance one could find no pillar of support stronger than myself. My open-minded worldview and long-developed sense of patience in helping others with their problems makes me one person who will never judge a friend for their shortcomings. Even less so would I be inclined to pass judgment upon someone I love.

And I have loved none as dearly as I love Stephen.

For all the barriers he's built around his heart, for all the regressive steps he's taken in the year we've been friends, and for all the hurt he's put upon me, I can see through everything to a soul more beautiful than you could possibly imagine. The moments when his smile is genuine and you can see him relieved of the burdens of the tragedy that haunts him are worth every hour and every day of struggle and pain, because in those moments I see a man who appreciates his life.

He and I have shared many great days together. In counting them, I'd wager that we've spent 90% of the last year together (excluding his time in Seattle and Wichita). We've been inseparable, and a few friends have pointed out how strange it will be that we won't be "Stephen and David" anymore. What a strange thing, that two people - linked so closely in personality and love - could fall apart so quickly.

My worldview, being so open, leaves so much room for possibility that I would never discount the likelihood of us getting back together. However, I don't know that that is going to happen, and given present circumstances, I'd have to view that as unlikely. And things will never go back to the way they were before we started dating because ... well, they never do. When you take this step forward, the only next steps are farther apart or forward again.

John and I stepped farther apart but moved forward again after our breakup. We have become great friends, and he is one of my most trusted confidants. He knows me in a way that no one else will. Angi and I stepped quite far apart and eventually made our way forward again after a particularly nasty fight in our senior year of high school. She is my best friend and most reliable supporter - not because she backs everything I do, but because she's honest in her advice and doesn't judge me when I don't listen to it and inevitably make the mistake she warned me that I could avoid.

I hope that, in whatever form our relationship takes, Stephen and I can move forward. But for now, we move apart. And in every instance, moving forward requires that both people are able to change and grow. I fear that this will be harder for him than for the others, but I know that he is capable of it. He has such great potential in him, and yet he undersells himself constantly.

Whatever happens, I know this: the only thing completely consistent in my life is my willingness to stand by the people I care about. I will be there for him when he needs me, and I'll help him when he reaches out for it. The rest is up to him.

I wish I could do more ... I wish that arguing the point would change his mind. I wish that talking it over would assuage his grief and guilt over loving someone other than the person he's lost. I wish that he would reach out for help, and drop his walls. I wish that everything was as good as it was back in August when we talked for hours on the phone every night. I wish he'd wear the ring I gave him.

I wish he would still be mine.

We don't get everything we wish for, and as I've come to discover in my life, we rarely get anything we wish for. Love is one area where I know this to be the most true. Perhaps that's why this line from Moulin Rouge is so fitting in my life: "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."

I love Stephen, and though my heart wishes for that to be returned the same, for now that will have to be enough.

That "Fuck It" Moment

2010-11-18T20:48:00.002-05:00

It's funny ... now that it comes down to it, I'm so at that moment that I don't even have the energy to write about it. Fuck it.

I'm Doing Everything Right, But I Can't Break Free ...

2010-10-31T12:09:00.003-04:00

Having recently read previous posts I've made throughout the years, I am feeling deeply ashamed that I haven't taken the time to write more in the last two years. However, I feel the way I'd imagine any other person would feel when they reach an age closer to 50 - tired of the bullshit they've had to deal with, and maybe wondering if they're ever gonna get a chance to relax and just be ... not be what their partner or their family or their friends or coworkers want them to be. Just be.

More so, I'm just wondering, "What about me?" I've spent a lot of time giving too much of a damn about what other people want lately, and no one has given a damn about me. A lot of days, I just want to lay in bed and sleep. I can't even muster the emotional energy to cry anymore.

I'm just drained.

Yesterday, all I wanted was to go into DC and participate in Jon Stewart's rally with my friends that I haven't seen in far too long. But we woke up late because we had stayed out until 4AM the night before - because that's what everyone ELSE wanted to do. We didn't get to the College Park metro station until noon, and it was so packed that there was an hour wait just to get to the platform. Instead of checking the other stations or driving in, the rest of my group decided it would be easier to watch the rally on TV.

I wasn't going for the rally. I was going because it was where my friends were. And I felt angry, warm tears roll down my cheek and drop silently from my chin as I drove us back to Stephen's apartment.

What about me?

I'm not even going to touch the subject of work, except to say that I have discovered I may never be happy anywhere I land simply because no job I've had since my first one out of college has actually paid me enough money to live on my own. Maybe money can't buy happiness. But it can pay for things that make me happy - and it can pay off the debts that make me unhappy.

What about me?

Do you believe in God?

2010-06-04T20:11:00.001-04:00

I would not arbitrarily assign a persona to my belief that there's something bigger than myself in the universe, if that's what you're asking. And yes, I know that answer will satisfy neither the atheists nor the true believers - but I'm satisfied with my conclusion, and that's all that matters.

Ask me anything

The More Things Change ...

2010-05-13T22:26:00.003-04:00

I've come to the conclusion that people can do nothing but let me down. This isn't a pessimistic view. In fact, if you look at it from my perspective, you'd see that it's just the reality of being as naively faithful and faith-filled as I am. From where I place them, they can't do anything but fail to live up to my expectations of them.

What I want to know is to whom is it more unfair, them or me?

I don't understand other people, and I feel lonely because of it. I'd say I'm hoping for a white knight to come riding in and rescue me, but ... well, as my grandmother would say, "You can put your wants in one hand and shit in the other and see what fills up first." Not very elegant, but you get the point.

P.S., I forgot how much I hate the process of dating.

I Never Know When To Fold

2010-04-29T22:59:00.003-04:00

What if when I'm long gone
It dawns on you
You just might want me back
Let me make myself clear
If I leave here
It's done; I'm gone, that's that
You carry my love around
Like it's a heavy burden
Well I'm about to take it back
Are you sure it's worth it

I'm a decent poker player. But if there's one thing I'm really bad at, it's knowing when to fold. This flaw extends beyond the game, though, and into my personal life.

Every time I've tried to hold on to a relationship I've been left with nothing more than burnt hands sifting through the ashes. Only a few times have I been truly disappointed by the end of a relationship - three to my count. The third - the most recent - is unique in that the duration of the relationship was much shorter than the other two; though, in fairness, I should say the official duration was much shorter.

However, if there's one thing I can take away from the first two instances, it's that you never know what the future will bring. One of those endings became a new beginning, bringing my ex and I closer as friends than we likely every would have become as lovers. Another brought a strange respect and mutual experience for growth for both myself and that ex.

This newly-ended relationship doesn't feel like an ending - perhaps because of the nature of how we met and what led to us dating, it almost feels like it didn't really have a beginning. Or perhaps it's that I now realize that endings and beginnings are simply milestones that we set ourselves, with a disregard for the fact that the relationship may go on in some form or fashion that is altogether different.

I've seen people try to hold together the tattered remains of a broken love life, struggling against the tide that had long before turned against them. Maybe I've grown up; maybe I just don't have the energy to do it anymore. Either way, I'm not going to attempt to convince someone that I should be their man. If I should be, they'll know it and no convincing will be necessary.

I think I've learned when to fold my hand. Besides, even if I lose a few, all it takes is one good hand to leave the table a rich man.

What one thing are you exceptionally bad at?

2010-04-26T20:02:00.001-04:00

Engagements, apparently. I'm pretty good at everything else. :-)

Ask me anything

Who's the most beautiful person you know?

2010-04-26T07:27:00.001-04:00

Kate Noel

Ask me anything

Would you rather be a vampire or a werewolf?

2010-04-25T23:10:00.001-04:00

"Even a man who is pure in heart and says his prayers by night, may become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms, and the autumn moon is bright." I'll let Stephen be the vampire. ;-)

Ask me anything

If you could wake up as anyone tomorrow, who would it be?

2010-04-25T23:05:00.001-04:00

Superman

Ask me anything

How many languages do you speak?

2010-04-25T19:34:00.001-04:00

I am fluent in over six million forms of communication ...

Ask me anything

Would you rather swim in a pool or the ocean?

2010-04-24T23:28:00.001-04:00

I'd rather swim in a pool because I can see what's beneath me. I'd rather be by the ocean, though ...

Ask me anything

If you could rid the world of one thing, what would it be?

2010-04-22T20:38:00.001-04:00

Ignorance. That one was easy. Get rid of that and everything else falls into line.

Ask me anything

Would you rather have the ability to fly, or the ability to breathe underwater?

2010-04-22T20:30:00.001-04:00

Flying, for sure. I'd never touch the ground. I could be anywhere I want to be, whenever I please. I could be right outside your window, watching you sleep at night ... think about that. =)

Ask me anything

What's the secret to happiness?

2010-04-22T17:47:00.001-04:00

Killing all the people who make you miserable.

Ask me anything

Coin, Flipped

2010-03-05T22:13:00.003-05:00

At the suggestion of a friend, I've decided that a pilgrimage to this humble home of mine was in order. It is strangely timed, as my last post was a year ago tomorrow.

In adherence with tradition, I return here at a time when my heart is hurting - wounded as a result of a series of events shifted into motion by my own hand. Perhaps it is karmic retribution upon me, the all-too-familiar sting of rejection coming a mere week after inflicting the same wound upon someone else.

I took a chance, risking such hurt, by dropping my armor and cloaking myself only in honesty - a thin veil indeed, leaving my heart as vulnerable as can be.

It's ironic, really, how quickly you can find yourself impaled upon your own sword if you aren't careful ... worse still if it doesn't find its way through your heart, offering you a swift and merciful death. If it misses, you're left in pain, wishing that you hadn't removed your armor ... wondering if it is nobler to live unharmed as a liar or to continue on as an honest cripple.

I feel broken, and in shame. Greedy for wanting something so precious after denying the same to another. Foolish for again wearing my heart on my sleeve.

And all the same, I am proud of being able to tell the truth. For better or worse, honesty is the right choice - and often the hardest.

Both decisions I've made in this past week have been difficult. And both have left someone in pain - one a friend, the other myself. The balance is struck, and I suppose that's fair and just.

I have no regrets tonight.

Prince Charles

2009-03-06T22:08:00.001-05:00

The Fireside Chats

2008-10-09T20:31:00.001-04:00

"It is your problem no less than it is mine. Together we cannot fail." These were the words ending the first fireside chat by FDR on March 12, 1933.

When the American public, shaken by the collapse of their economy, rushed to their banks en masse and found that there wasn't enough hard currency available to cover their withdrawals, their leader took to the airwaves to assuage their fears and allay their mistrust and anger.

Through the hard times of World War II, Franklin Roosevelt continued to host these radio addresses, reassuring Americans' confidence in the leadership in Washington. Given credence by his integrity of character and his boldness, FDR gave new hope to those who believed that America would not recover from the economic and military crises that threatened to consume our world in an unending cloud of darkness and chaos.

Woefully inadequate is the forced reassurance of our current President, largely due in part to his complete lack of integrity and his dreadful mishandling of every element of his role as the Commander-In-Chief of this great nation.

I offer you this link to an online collection of FDR's fireside chats and urge you to seek reassurance in the words of our long-gone President, who inspires more hope with his timely addresses (both then and now) than could any of the leaders in Washington now. They may remind you of a time in American history when the President was seen as an ever vigilant guardian - not only of our citizens, but of our expectations and dreams. More to the point, he was a guardian of our greatest dream - the American Dream.

http://www.mhric.org/fdr/fdr.html

One of the More Disturbing Pieces of Under-Reported News

2008-10-09T01:58:00.001-04:00

Palin Is Just Bush With Breasts

2008-09-17T01:46:00.000-04:00

Palin Is A Bad Choice

2008-09-10T21:42:00.002-04:00

Police Shootouts

2008-09-10T18:47:00.003-04:00

Flipping through the television news channels, I stumbled across a segment on CNN Headline News' Prime News showing a high-speed police chase of a liquor store robber that ended in a shootout when the driver went off the road into a ditch.

The suspect clearly opens the passenger side door and begins firing upon the police officer, who proceeds (entirely within view of the camera) to open fire on the suspect - ending with the death of the suspect.

The show's anchor invited a guest on, a former police officer, to ask him about what they had watched. His question was, essentially, "Could this have been avoided, did it have to end with the death of the suspect?"

My answer surged out in an angry bellow: "NO! You shoot at a police officer, they shoot you and you die! It's that simple!"

I think it really is that simple - if you pull a weapon on a designated law enforcement official, they are empowered by our government to defend themselves and any other innocent bystanders by using lethal force against you.

The officer was nicked in the collar by a round from the suspect's untrained fire, and the suspect it appears was nicked by probably a half-dozen of the officer's bullets - in the face. There was no follow up telling us how many rounds actually hit the suspect, but if the officer's tight grouping and the quick ending of shooting coming from within the vehicle is any clue, I'd imagine quite a few bullets found their mark.

Most people who know me know that I'm not an advocate of the death penalty - I feel that if we've captured a dangerous criminal, it's a crime on our part against our own humanity that we take their life - regardless of their crimes. However, I don't believe the use of lethal force by law enforcement officials is entirely unwarranted. In this situation, it was obviously necessary.

And that's my big issue with the way the anchor posed the question - given the straightforward nature of the film, it strikes me that no question need be asked. When a suspected criminal opens fire on you, as a police officer would there be any reason not to fire back?

From Kent

2008-07-06T00:05:00.002-04:00

I don't know what this note was in reference to, but I wrote it down around the time I was supposed to be filming one of my projects back at NYU:

"Sometimes it's the only choice we have, and it's the choice we have to make." - Kent Sanderson

With no context, the quote seems very generic and obvious, but at the time, it would have been relatively poignant if I took the time to write it down.

I'm trying not to bullshit myself anymore. I lie every time someone asks me if I still do anything creative; the truth is, I don't. I don't write. I don't apply my long-practiced creative abilities to even the most remotely useful imaginative exercises.

So, with no false promises being made here about what I will start (or re-start) doing in that regard, I will at least acknowledge that I haven't done enough for myself - I certainly cannot look at what I've done since graduating and state with any degree of certitude that the amount I have paid (or have yet to pay, as is truly the case) for my college education has been justified.

I have begun to trek down the path of disillusionment with my life so far, hastened by the ever-increasing sense that I have failed many goals that could have been achievable with a more focused and driven pursuit on my part.

At the least, I believe that acknowledging these things helps the process of getting myself back on track - the first step is always to become aware of the situation, however good or bad it may be, which then allows you to formulate a plan to improve your situation.

Randy Pausch

2008-03-29T03:29:00.003-04:00

I realize that I've been complaining a lot lately about how much my job sucks and how unfair things are for me. I suppose that doesn't really help matters, particularly if I'm not making a more concerted effort to do what I really want to do and pursue my dream of making a career out of storytelling (in whatever form that takes). I saw this video and thought I'd share it:

Woe Is Me

2008-03-12T05:12:00.004-04:00

It seems like every few months, life chooses to shit on me either out of some overwhelming desire to test my resolve and see how I respond to my fecal-coating or simply because it (life) gets some perverse pleasure out of my suffering.

I was fired recently, and though Maryland is an "at-will" employment state (meaning an employer can terminate an employee without any reason whatsoever), my employer chose to fabricate a reason and use that as the grounds for dismissal. Also, he did it over voicemail. That was a helluva day.

Karma's a bitch, or so I hear, and I want to know who I pissed off to be routinely fucked over when it comes to my employment situation. At 24, I am possessed of a bachelor's degree from a prestigious film school, an overwhelmingly vivid imagination and a passion for creative expression. Yet, I find myself back in Maryland waiting tables to scrape by on the bills.

Scraping by wasn't a problem when I had the management job - the bills were easy to pay just a month ago. Now, though, I'm roughing it from shift-to-shift.

I want to know what wondrous power compels the universe to routinely afford the disadvantaged no opportunity. Does some higher power, looking down upon His creation and seeing a person who wants little more than a modicum of fiscal security, laugh as he plucks at the strings of bondage tied so tightly to the hands and feet of his puppet?

We do our dance, ever the slave to some unseen force that puts in front of us choices that often differ little in the measure of discomfort they cause us in the end: "You can eat this bowl of shit or you can allow us to press thumbtacks into your skull."

If it weren't for the fact that I will be paying back Sallie Mae for the next 30 years of my life, things wouldn't be so bad. I could do better than scraping by from shift-to-shift. But since I've got big bills to pay, I've been forced to abandon any prospect of pursuing a creative career in entertainment (at least for a while) - it just won't pay the bills!

Instead, I'm considering that most ungodly of career paths, presenting me with a degree of stability necessary for me to make it through this trying time in my post-graduate life.

I think I'm going to work for the government.

Mai Makai

2008-02-06T12:42:00.000-05:00

This is mai dog. :-)

For the Dogs

2008-02-05T20:55:00.000-05:00

Dear Dogs and Cats:

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

And, to pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it "fur"niture.

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, they are an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Heath Ledger (1979-2008)

2008-01-22T17:15:00.000-05:00

It's one of those moments where you can't really say anything more than "wow." If you can say anything at all.

I'd imagine that everyone here knows that I'm quite possibly the biggest Joker fan in the world, so it goes without saying that I'm disappointed to learn of Heath Ledger's tragic passing. However, beyond simply losing the actor who - from what has been seen so far - has given the best performance of the character to date, we have lost a fantastic talent and someone who seems, by all accounts, to have been more than just a decent person.

There's nothing more appropriate to say other than that this is a sad day for Hollywood, and a sad day for me personally as I liked Heath Ledger before he was the Joker.

Addendum: Harry Knowles' post about this tragedy pretty much sums up my feelings right now

A New Year

2008-01-02T00:38:00.000-05:00

I think I spoiled someone's special moment the night before last (New Year's Eve). I was working - a 15-hour day for me - and the assistant manager, Susan, was taking a moment to sit and talk with her boyfriend Chuck, who was dining in the restaurant. Her son was there, too, and I stopped by to chat with them.

Chuck mentioned that it was their two-year anniversary that night. I thought that was nice, but instead of just saying that, I mentioned that two years ago that night, I asked someone to marry me and they said "yes" ... then five months later said "no." There's no way to escape a moment that awkward.

I'm 24-years old and I am the General Manager of a restaurant owned by a successful Baltimore-area restaurateur. I have worked every day except Christmas for the past month and a half, I have worked 100+ hour work weeks, and I have missed out on family occasions and any prospect of a social life since taking this job. I've been cheated on (essentially) by the person I was dating (but not really), and I've noticed that this state is a vast wasteland when it comes to viable dating options. My friends here, who can be counted twice on one hand (even if it were missing a finger), are all busy almost all the time, and the sister who would hang out with me works a schedule that seems to always conflict with mine.

If I get my debt knocked off and my credit back on track; if I study for the LSATs or any other graduate-level tests; if I find some way to set my mind to the task of going back to school; if I motivate myself to start writing creatively again; if I do any or all of these things, will it be worth it?

I feel relatively stable in my financial situation, though I could certainly benefit greatly in accomplishing my first task by receiving a moderate increase in pay. I feel somewhat accomplished in being a GM of a newly established restaurant. And I'm certainly not without pride in my character, being, I believe, a good and decent person.

But in the end, does any of that matter if I find myself this alone when all is said and done?

At the start of a new year, recalling where I was a year ago - and a year before that, and a year before that - I am overwhelmed by a significant sense of personal failure and alienation in my friendships and relationships.

One of those two friends I mentioned lost one of his parents last year, early in the year. I didn't find out until I came home at the end of summer. Where was I when he might have needed a friend to lean on? How was I not connected enough to even be aware of that?

When I get this far in discussing with people the alienation I feel, I have observed a strange phenomenon occur: there is a subtle force in my mind pushing these thoughts back, as though a part of me is desperately trying to keep all of these emotions hidden from the world.

In its own way, is my mind sheltering me from further exposing myself to what I fear is "pity outreach" - that extension of friendship that comes when someone feels obligated by guilt to express some concern for another person's loneliness and self-pity?

Fuck that bullshit, I don't want it.

I just want an answer to this question: where are all my "friends?"

To Be Con ...

2007-12-03T22:22:00.001-05:00

I awoke to tears last night from a horrible dream. In it, I found myself estranged from my father, the only member of my immediate family left alive after my sisters and mother apparently drowned in some kind of accident. I don't recall all the details of the dream, but then I don't usually remember the details from many of my dreams.

However, what I do remember is the intensely focused feeling of loneliness that accompanied that nightmare. The depth of that emotion is comparable to the dream I once had where I found myself a father of triplets. Oh God, did that dream make me happy. I awoke from that dream and started to cry. I cried because of how painful the separation from my non-existent offspring was - it felt as though I had lost a part of myself when I awakened that morning.

The point I'm trying to make is that I'm lonely.

I can find no humorous or elegantly-worded route to that revelation, so it is just better that I come out and say it. I'm lonely.

My job has proven to be relatively stressful, but no more so than any other job I've ever held - in fact, the stress of this job is entirely different than the stress of being a server. And it certainly doesn't match the disdain with which I trudged through every work day at my IT job. But the stress it has imparted upon me is entirely different.

This job has revealed a truth that had eluded me until today. Despite coming home to the warm embrace of a loving, caring family and the familiarity of my native environment, and despite the expectation that those few friends who did bother to keep in touch with me while I was in New York would welcome me back into the social fold, I'm still as alone as I ever was in New York. Perhaps now more so.

In focusing my attention upon my own needs - my fiscal crisis, my mental health hindrances, and my social ineptitude (either itself growing, or merely being more revealed with each passing day) - I've discovered I haven't come too far in the 3-1/2 months since I moved back to Maryland.

I have massive debt still, having been so far incapable of making a dent in my credit cards; I can't afford my medication for the ADHD; and it was pointed out to me tonight that I have no friends here in Maryland.

I wanted to go out tonight to spend time being off-duty - out of manager mode, with my earrings in, wearing jeans and a Heath-Ledger-Joker-faced t-shirt, strolling comfortably around the mall perhaps. And when I got in my Jetta and went to make the call, I realized that I had no one to call; Kate was at the game, Bill was going to the game, and Dan was at work. I would have called Ryan, but we've hung out so much lately that I felt maybe he'd want a break from the mundane form of entertainment I so often select - the romp around Arundel Mills.

And when I thought of that, I realized that I'm afraid of spending too much time with Ryan. But that's not right. That doesn't make sense ... why would I be afraid of that? No, what I'm afraid of is involving myself in a relationship with him. If I do that, I'm taking the same ill-fated steps I've taken with all my other exes: I'm integrating myself into his social life as a substitution for creating my own. Once our relationship ends - and it likely would - the existing patterns in my post-relationship relationships project him not talking to me and me suddenly finding myself out on my own again with no friends and feeling as lonely as ever.

So I'm damned if I do, and I'm damned if I don't. But that's not even the end of it. I feel like I'm also damned if a third option is pursued, but at the moment I'm not feeling nearly clever enough to conceive of any poetic addendum to the Catch-22.

No, at the moment I'm feeling anything but clever. I feel helpless and lost.

And today I was told by someone whom I believed understood me (and what made me different from other people) that sometimes he has to remind himself that he's talking to me - and that holding a discussion with me is more cerebral than it is natural.

People have to apply a "Dave Filter" to hold conversation with me. They actually have to stop and apply some kind of rule to our discussions.

I don't even know how to continue talking about this ... I'll come back later.

Title Length Has Exceeeded Maximum Number of Characters Allowe

2007-11-08T00:46:00.000-05:00

In a rather startling discovery, I've come to realize that the reason I haven't been posting here as of late is not because I have nothing to say, but more so because I don't feel like talking. As was the norm when I lived in MD before, I keep my disappointments to myself and do as I always do whenever I feel restless, bored or lonely - I drive.

My car has once again become my sanctuary; a mobile fortress of solitude. As I expressed earlier this year, my car is my Black Pearl; a sense of freedom made tangible in the form of a vessel that can carry me to destinations intangible - the end of my loneliness and detachment from the world around me. Truly, those seem unreachable ports; harbors in which I will never lay anchor.

Why do I feel as though, regardless of my friends' prior assurances of the great times that would be had upon my arrival home, the people I expected to spend time with don't really want me around?

(Notation: There was more to this post, but I don't feel like publishing it; a clue as to how detached I am from everything right now - I really just don't care enough to speak my mind)

Good Ideas

2007-10-10T01:38:00.000-04:00

You know, I don't recall who it was who said it - I'm certain it was either George Lucas or William Goldman (and hopefully it was the latter) - but someone once said of their thought process, and I'm paraphrasing here: "I get ideas and I tuck them away. And if the idea comes up again a year later, and it seems like a good idea still, it probably is, and I pursue it."

They were, of course, referring to fiction writing for film. But that seems to me to be an ideal way of approaching pretty much anything in life. Which is why I'm moderately concerned at my rekindled interest in pursuing graduate studies in the area of law; I can't seem to find a good reason NOT to go back to school.

With film school having been a unique and yet rather unfulfilling experience, I feel compelled to move on to something else that's interested me for years. Now, I know what you're saying: "Well, if you feel like your time was wasted at film school, why would you pay more money to go back to school without being certain it's what you want to do?"

Well, to that, I say: one, I never said my time was wasted at film school. I went to a prestigious private university and earned a BFA with honors. Ideally, that sets me up quite well for graduate studies. Two, ignoring the notion of paying money, as I'm already doing that for my first degree and would HAVE to do it again for a second, I'll skip straight to addressing my level of certainty regarding the study of law.

When I think of the things about which I might also say, "Hey, I want to go study this," - like botany, culinary arts, architecture, medicine or geothermal studies - I realize that there are so very few. By comparison to the many, MANY things I would NOT want to study - like botany, culinary arts, architecture, medicine or geothermal studies - there are only a handful that pique my interest enough to warrant investigating my options (say, through Princeton Review and discussions with other people who are currently pursuing those fields of study).

Off-hand, I can name only two (now that I've attained a degree in film production): politics and law.

Now, I have seen my fair share of people who spend four years in college and leave no better off than they were before, except in that they have a degree in hand at the end of their time at Generic American University. How many people go to school for a specific field, then choose another highly specific field afterwards to study as a follow-up? While I cannot attest to the numbers in that regard, I'd wager highly that anyone counted into that group is highly motivated and interested in their professional success.

I have a BFA (with honors) and I wait tables. It is good, honest work. But it's not enough.

And I could get a job with that degree. I could get a good job, even. But it's not enough.

I need to do more. I'm not content with what I'm doing and where I am. It's not enough.

Pursuing a degree in law wouldn't even constitute giving up on my desire to be creative; in all likeliness it would further enhance my focus on artistic endeavors, as a successful lawyer is as much a dramatic performer playing to an audience as he is a driven wordsmith, crafting sentences to sway the arbiters of men's fate to their side.

I want more for myself, and I intend to get it.

A friend of mine said to me recently, "Don't let your time in New York be your only experience away from here ..."

I hadn't intended to before he said that, and I mean to even less now that he so perfectly stated the one reason I really want to go back to school: because it's not even about where you are, but rather what you're doing. The time I spent at NYU shouldn't be the only time I spend investing in my future. If it left me feeling unfulfilled then it probably was unfulfilling.

Our perception is our reality, and I perceive that I have a ways to go yet before I'm done with my education.

Abou ben Adam

2007-10-09T01:03:00.000-04:00

Abou ben Adam

Abou ben Adam (may his tribe increase!)
awoke one night from a deep dream of peace,
And saw, within the moonlight of his room,
Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom,
an angel, writing in a book of of gold.
Exceeding peace had made Ben Adam bold,
And to the Prescence in the room he said:
"What writest thou?" The vision raised its head,
And, with a look made of all sweet accord,
Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord."
"And is mine one?"said Abou, "Nay, not so,"
Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low,
But cheerily still, and said, "I pray thee, then,
Write me as one who loves his fellow men."
The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night
It came again, with a great awakening light,
And showed the names whom love of God had blest,
And lo! Ben adam's name led all the rest.

- Leigh Hunt

There's a Madness to My Method

2007-10-01T23:45:00.000-04:00

It occurs to me that the people who visit this site, my blog, are afforded a modicum of anonymity. They can come and go as they please without really being identified. I have a good idea of who my returning customers are, and generally know the frequency with which they check my site (hi Dad, Dan and Angi!)(and also Marco and/or Tony!).

I, however, am not afforded the luxury of being able to simply say something and be heard without obvious repercussions coming from certain members of my audience. I can't critique things my family does that annoys me without either being told they're disappointed that I would publicly ridicule them for annoying things they may do (it's not that they do it, it's that I point it out) and I can't bitch and moan without being told that I'm being whiny by my truest of friends.

I do want to point out, once more, that this blog was never intended to be a place for me to communicate with people I actually talk to, but rather was meant to be a place for me to leave ideas to be heard without actually having to hold a discussion. I find that, regardless of where I go to write on these Interwebs, I have friends and family that always find me.

That is why I continue to write here. Because I've done it for four years now, and there's no point in stopping.

That said, I feel compelled to preface what I'm about to write with a very emphatic and confident message meant to assuage any concerns people might have about my state of mental health and well-being:

I am very comfortable where I am right now. I am very happy with my life as it is, and as it may be. I do not regret where I've been, or what I've done, and I certainly don't regret mistakes I have yet to make. I enjoy many things in my life, from driving a car to playing games with friends to sitting here tonight drinking this bottle of pinot noir all by myself. Though I sometimes feel lonely, I know I have friends (all across the world, in fact) and I am well-loved. I hope everyone is pretty comfortable with those assurances, because they are all true.

Now I can get to what I wanted to talk about: suicide.

As I've been driving lately, certain things (music in particular) have led me to what I believe is finally understanding why people commit suicide. I think I finally get the crazy logic behind why a person takes their own life. And when you finally match up all the edges to the puzzle and the picture is exposed, it doesn't really seem so crazy after all.

To me, the understanding came when I realized that I don't like being helpless or made to feel as such. Killing one's self is a very powerful way of establishing control over life - at least your own. In the end, when I've done all I feel I can do and contributed my fair share to this world, I have the feeling that killing myself might be a viable option. I sure as shit don't wanna wind up like my grandfather - lost inside my head, unable to communicate with people I may not even remember, body withered and failing. To me, there is no point to continuing on if I can't follow Heroes from week-to-week (if I can't remember what happened last week, I might also forget to watch the show the following week ... if I ever get to that point, someone needs to shoot me if I forget).

I don't find suicide to be selfish. I don't think it's immoral. I also don't think attempting it in a way that doesn't disturb the public should be illegal. But I think it's wasteful if you aren't damned sure that you have nothing left to offer the world.

And to those of you who may read this and think that's a green light to hang yourself, I urge you first to contact me as I may be able to find a pretty good reason for you to go on living. Because, honestly, if you're mobile, capable of recalling the day of the week and your full name, and have even the slightest iota of learning potential, you're still a valuable and potentially productive member of society - put down the bottle of pills, step off the ledge and gimme the gun.

Otherwise, I'll see you in Hell. ;-)

Don't Know How To ...

2007-10-01T00:49:00.001-04:00

I can't really explain it
It's like
You know when
Ugh!
It's just
Remember how
Oh, wait ...
Um
It's a lot like
There's just this
It feels like
I can't really
I dunno
It's hard to describe
I just
I can't really

I don't know how to say what I'm feeling sometimes.

LOLZ!

2007-09-24T22:46:00.000-04:00

Vader Plays The Blues

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A Single Cloud In The Nighttime Sky

2007-09-21T00:06:00.000-04:00

There was a single cloud out in the sky tonight. It sat alone, held aloft by nothing more than its own desire to be there. I wondered what it was doing there, with no cloud friends to keep it company. It rested amongst the few visible stars, and was positioned across the sky from the moon, which shone brightly with no curtain of clouds to block its light.

The air was still and I drove along, listening to the radio. But all the while, I wondered, does this cloud realize it is alone? Does it know that all the other clouds have gone to bed? It's night and it's dark, and I don't believe it belongs there.

And yet, there it stayed, small and puffy, so beautiful in its wonder. It must be lonely, though, to be a single cloud in the nighttime sky.

Tattoo

2007-09-11T02:13:00.001-04:00

So, when I have money, I'm getting this tattoo:

Now I've Got An Eyepatch (And It's Jaunty!)

2007-09-10T23:28:00.000-04:00

If you thought that it would bring me down,
Losing one eye to your society of madness,
Don't think for one second that you've won
Because now I've got a jaunty eyepatch
And I'm a fucking pirate, with you at the edge of my plank.
Even with one eye, why am I the only one who saw that coming?
Now turn around and jump for me, because I'm kinda busy these days ...

Half-Blind, Not Quite Deaf

2007-09-10T01:37:00.001-04:00

At arm's length, extended fully, I see it there
Irony, I say, as what I gaze upon with my one good eye
Is the other that I just stabbed out

Tired of looking upon the world that so harshly torments me
I limit my vision, as the people around me have limited theirs
Hoping to connect with those whom I don't understand
I realize that it has nothing to do with their eyes
And everything to do with their minds

I suppose I understand them now
More fully do I see the differences between us
And all it cost me was an eye ...

I am so glad I had two of them to begin

A Trust Misplaced

2007-09-08T22:46:00.001-04:00

You, the friend (trusted)
And me, the fool (trusting)

Did you think I never noticed how you snickered behind my back? I could feel your eyes laughing as I turned away, us both so content in our friendship (me, content only in its existence; you, content in its benefits). I know what you think of me. I know what you say. I know the insidious thoughts that roam about in the dark recesses of your mind as you smile at me, your fake grin plastered onto that false face.

You think I'm a fool, but that's why I can turn around and laugh at you. Because, though I know you have two faces, I can see them both for what they are - pale complexions of a lonely person, with a sad set of eyes and ears that see and hear the world in a way that is so useless and selfish that it will never bring you any of the joys and happiness that you could otherwise find.

You, the fool (losing yourself)
Me, the friend (being myself)

Cause to Celebrate

2007-09-07T02:13:00.000-04:00

I, on occasion,
Find cause to celebrate
The simple notion
That life is beautiful
In every single way

It brings me to my knees
My overwhelming joy
(Chest tightening and
I struggle to breath)
How the hell can you not notice?

When this world
(In its beauty)
Is killing me ...

The Simple Things

2007-09-06T02:22:00.001-04:00

2007-09-04T22:17:00.001-04:00

Um ... Retraction

2007-08-30T23:25:00.000-04:00

Christ, I'm bored. I'm so fucking bored. Even if I had a job, I think I'd still be bored. What the fuck ... what the fuck ...

It's So Slow Here

2007-08-28T01:41:00.000-04:00

"Wow."

That's really all I can say about life here in Maryland. Everything is considerably slower. The day actually lasted longer and I got more stuff done in the time I was out today than I would have if I were in New York.

I can't even begin to describe how enjoyable I'm finding it to be back in the Old Line State. So I'm not even gonna try ...

The Gospel of Saint Mick

2007-08-20T21:14:00.001-04:00

No, you can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometime you find
You get what you need

The Big 45

2007-08-18T22:36:00.000-04:00

Advanced Big 45 Personality Test Results

Extroversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	59%
Accommodation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	77%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Emotional Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	35%
Openmindedness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%

Take Free Advanced Big 45 Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Factor		low score	high score
Gregariousness	54%	quiet, reclusive	engaging, socially bold
Sociability	66%	withdrawn, hidden	warm, open, inviting
Assertiveness	66%	timid, gunshy	controlling, aggressive
Poise	58%	uneasy around others	socially comfortable
Leadership	66%	stays in background	prefers to lead
Provocativeness	70%	modest, plays it safe	bold, uninhibited, cocky
Self-Disclosure	42%	private, contained	very open and revealing
Talkativeness	70%	quiet, stealthy, invisible	motor mouth, loud
Group Attachment	42%	loves solitude	prefers to be with others
Understanding	78%	insensitive, schizoid	respectful, sympathetic
Warmth	82%	disinterested in others	supportive, helpful
Morality	62%	break/ignore the rules	play by the rules
Pleasantness	70%	aloof or disagreeable	gets along with others
Empathy	82%	out of tune w/ others	in tune with others
Cooperation	70%	competitive, warlike	agreeable, peaceful
Sympathy	82%	socially inconsiderate	socially conscious
Tenderness	82%	cold hearted, selfish	warm hearted, selfless
Nurturance	86%	self pleasing, me first	people pleasing, me last
Conscientiousness	50%	reckless, unscheduled	careful, planner
Efficiency	50%	unreliable, lazy	finisher, follows through
Dutifulness	74%	leisurely, derelict	strict, rule abiding
Purposefulness	46%	inattentive, undisciplined	prepared, focused
Organization	78%	relaxed, oblivious	detail oriented, anal
Cautiousness	30%	impulsive, spendthrift	restrained, cautious
Rationality	66%	irrational, random	direct, logical
Perfectionism	66%	careless, error prone	detail obsessed
Planning	66%	disorganized, random	scheduled, clean
Stability	38%	easily frustrated	calm, cool, unphased
Happiness	62%	unhappy, dissatisfied	self content, positive
Calmness	34%	touchy, volatile	even tempered, tolerant
Moderation	38%	needs instant gratification	easily delays gratification
Toughness	50%	hypersensitive, moody	thick skinned
Impulse Control	26%	lacks self control	maintains composure
Imperturbability	14%	highly emotional	emotionally contained
Cool-headedness	38%	demanding, controlling	accommodating
Tranquility	22%	emotionally volatile	emotionally neutral
Intellect	90%	instinctive, non-analytical	intellectual, analytical
Ingenuity	86%	lacks new ideas	innovative, novel
Reflection	86%	unreflective, coarse	art and beauty lover
Competence	78%	slow to understand/think	intellectual, brainy
Quickness	78%	intellectually dependent	intellectually independent
Introspection	78%	not self reflective	self searching
Creativity	90%	dull headed	synthesizer, iconoclast
Imagination	78%	practical, realistic	dreamer, unrealistic
Depth	90%	lacks curiosity	mental explorer

Take Free Advanced Big 45 Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

The Liquid Calorie Diet

2007-08-17T22:55:00.000-04:00

I'm back to the point where nervousness has made it impossible to keep down solid food other than a few crackers and an occasional chip or two. I'm now running essentially on liquid smoothie drinks that are high in calories.

I can't begin to describe how shitty my position is right now. In fact, I just wrote an entire paragraph describing half of the situation, but I deleted it thinking that perhaps this is not the best forum to discuss what I want to discuss.

In the end, the real cause of my nausea is my forced departure from Manhattan. As much as I would like to stay here, barely thriving financially and coming close to needing welfare to survive, I have concluded that the most fiscally responsible thing I could do right now is head back to Maryland to regroup and put my life in order.

I will speak honestly to what really bothers me about leaving, though. At this point, my feelings on the matter are so transparent that I see no reason not to explain exactly what I am really frustrated over.

I'm upset because things haven't worked out between William and I. I'm heartbroken that we haven't reconciled as a couple. We are friends and we talk and hang out occasionally, but to me, he means so much more still. Despite the nature of our break-up at the time, I still see so much more worth loving in him than I do worth disliking. And now, leaving here - even despite my belief that we never know what the future holds - I feel as though any likelihood, however small, of our two becoming one again is gone.

Even if I came back in six months, I know full-well how easy it is to forget about someone when they aren't around every day. It was a month after JJ left New York that I found someone else who took the core of my affections away from my ex-fiance. While he has occasionally crossed my mind, JJ does not frequently occupy my thoughts.

At this point, I don't even see the value in continuing to voice my frustrations, as talking achieves very little. But as I'm able to do even less, all I have is the ability to speak up and say, "This sucks, I'm a little tired of this crap!"

And to be honest, I really am tired of this. The events that have transpired over the course of the past two years, both within my control and not, have led me to this point: fucked over financially and twice-bitten in the ass by love. We have that cliché that "life isn't fair," but that's bullshit and we all know it. I'm not a bad person, and I'm tired of being conspired against by Fate and Chance.

I'm going home to Maryland and once I've paid down my debts, I'm gonna kick the ever-living fuck out of life and take what's owed me. My debts to others are one thing, but I'm owed big time by whomever is running this fucking show. I'm done riding these things out and being left half-drowned at the end. It's time for me to score one for myself.

Spirit on Broadway

2007-08-17T15:15:00.000-04:00

I wrote this today as I was roaming around the city:

Like a ghost, I float down Broadway
The summer breeze, it blows right through me.
No one notices my face, no one speaks my name
No one calls out to me -
GODDAMN, that taxi almost hit me
It's like I'm already gone ...
Like a ghost, I float down Broadway

Quote of the Day

2007-08-15T02:21:00.000-04:00

"I have descended into madness!" - Me
"You can't help that, we're all mad here!" - The Cheshire Cat

Funny Skit

2007-08-11T12:32:00.001-04:00

That Feeling

2007-08-09T15:19:00.000-04:00

I was talking to someone today who had just broken up with her boyfriend. She's a lot younger than I am, but to me, relationships - as young and immature as they may be at her age - are still relationships and the fundamental rules of love and life will always apply. The conversation led me to an examination of what happens to the love you have for a person after you are no longer together:

Her: i am still in love with him..and he is still in love with me..but i am just tring to move on but i still have that feeling for him
BanjokerFilms: It doesn't go away
BanjokerFilms: Even when you find someone else, it's hides in the recesses of your mind and your heart.
BanjokerFilms: The love you have for someone never really goes away. It just gets buried
BanjokerFilms: And every now and then, you hear a song or smell a scent or see a movie on TV that reminds you of that person
BanjokerFilms: And the joy of the time you spent with them comes back, and the love you have for them swells in your heart
BanjokerFilms: And you miss them all over again
BanjokerFilms: Because no matter how bad the bad times were, the good times were greater. And they never go away.
BanjokerFilms: It never goes away

Occasionally There Are Those Moments

2007-08-07T00:33:00.000-04:00

When I consider how long I've been here in New York and how infrequently I go home, I find that I am forced to question what things I miss about Maryland. I miss the quiet of living in the suburbs sometimes. I miss the openness of it a lot. I miss having space ... a lawn ... the pool. Camden Yards. Ocean City. I miss having a car and being able to drive.

But most of all, I miss my family. And right now, I really miss Kasey. I was looking at her MySpace profile and when I saw all of her pictures I realized that I know pretty much nothing about her life now. What she does for fun, and who she does it with; how she's doing in school; if she has a boyfriend I don't like. It's sad to think that I have little clue as to who my sister is - or rather, what she's become since I left.

I talk to my mom and dad, and I speak to Kate a lot. But I rarely ever talk to Kasey, and sometimes I wonder if she feels as unknowing of who I am as I am of who she is. I was thinking more and more about what it would be like to move back to Maryland. Among the few things that made be believe it could be a good idea was the notion that if I lived there I might have more opportunity to find out who my little sister is ... and that alone makes it seem like it'd be worth the move.

Better Than

2007-08-06T01:43:00.001-04:00

All the time while you're looking away
There are things you can do man
There's things you can say
To the the ones you're with
With whom you're spending your today
Get your gaze off tomorrow
And let come what may

All I know is sometimes things can be hard
But you should know by now
They come and they go
So why, oh why
Do I look to the other side
'Cos I know the grass is greener but
Just as hard to mow

Life's not about what's better than.

Lyrics That I Like

2007-08-05T23:31:00.000-04:00

I was listening to this just now and I love these lyrics from "As Time Goes By:"

It's still the same old story
A fight for love and glory
A case of do or die.
The world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by.

The List So Far

2007-08-05T22:44:00.000-04:00

Jason Patric
Justin Mentell
Joe Pantoliano
Chazz Palminteri

Thought This Was Funny ...

2007-08-04T14:03:00.001-04:00

Most definitely worth a read.

Afraid of Cock

Quote of the Day

2007-08-02T03:40:00.000-04:00

Also, here's a Quote of the Day, which is exceptional for two reasons: first, it will be the 400th post on this blog. And second, because it's from me, and I don't generally approve of quoting one's self. However, I thought that this was a damned good line and I thought I should get credit for saying it. I think I'll just put it in a screenplay or something.

"I'm not looking for greener grass anymore. I'm looking for better fertilizer." - July 30, 2007

I Just Don't Understand ...

2007-08-02T03:18:00.001-04:00

Tonight is one of those nights where the writing is hard. I absolutely need to write something here, though, because I can feel it inside of me - all those emotions swelling up, building to a roar. I feel lost, anxious and alone ... and excited, carefree and content at the same time. I don't even know how that's possible.

I have a theory as to why it's so hard for me to talk about my emotions and my inner-most thoughts to other people: I think that my self-imposed isolation from other people throughout most of high school led me to more frequently evaluate myself privately, leaving me without the compulsion to talk to other people about those sorts of things. I spent a lot of time alone or avoiding people, then questioned why I wasn't surrounded by tons of friends.

It's really no surprise to me that I found comfort under the bright lights of the stage. It was there that I could turn a character and find the satisfaction of being surrounded by people who were watching me perform.

It's occurred to me as of late that I really miss acting. Not enough to try to pursue it again, but enough to make me recall that I really enjoyed playing a part in a bigger story.

I think the reason that I've spent so much time being unsatisfied with where I'm at in life is because, for a long time, I couldn't see where I fit into the story and that bothered me. Now, I see it as more of an improvisation - and that's something I'm pretty good at doing.

So now I'm improvising my way through this crazy performance and I'm just waiting for my big scene.

Carbon Footprint

2007-07-08T01:14:00.000-04:00

I just took a survey on LiveEarth.org to determine my carbon footprint. The ECP score ranges from 150-900, according to Earthlab.com, who runs the program. The lower your score, the better. Mine was 168.

In our apartment, Shaun and I have switched out almost all of our light bulbs with high efficiency bulbs. I walk or use public transportation to get to and from work every day of the week, and we recycle.

After attending Live Earth and watching the facts and statistics scroll across the screen throughout the day, I've realized that a lot of MINOR changes can go a LONG way. Make the switch - swap out your incandescent bulbs with CFL lighting. It's one small step that, if done by many people, can really add up.

Quote of the Day

2007-07-08T01:05:00.000-04:00

From yesterday's ... um ... experience:

"The room is flexing. It's a strong room. And I think it likes us." - Me

A Question in Parts

2007-07-05T19:01:00.001-04:00

I want to ask a question in several parts:

What do we get
For our time

What do we get
When the tide rises high

What do we get
For our patience

What do we get
When the dark clouds roll in

What do we get
For our fear and our courage

What do we get
When the going gets tough

What do we get
For our love?

There is no one answer
But today it is loneliness

Noticed An Unposted Entry From 2005

2007-07-05T00:07:00.001-04:00

I was reviewing some of the blog entries I have written in the past (there are almost 400 posts now) and discovered one that was never published. I didn't finish reading it, so perhaps there's something in there that I didn't want anyone to see, but the post itself was saved as a draft all the same. I felt it should get its moment in the spotlight as do all my other posts.

Hollywood Hot Air

Cause It's Not A Card I Can Actually Send

2007-06-28T23:33:00.001-04:00

LOL ... obviously, this is a card I cannot send. Funny, nonetheless.

Even the Best Fall Down Sometimes

2007-06-27T04:14:00.000-04:00

Some days the words just don't come to me. It's painful to feel such a disconnect from language. If I push it, I can write something, but it's extremely difficult. To describe it best, I'd say that whenever I'm filled with an emotion - particularly a negative emotion - it's hard for me to find a way to communicate with other people.

Yesterday was a good birthday, I guess. I didn't really do anything. A few people sent me messages on Facebook; some sent me text messages; a person or two called me. I got cards from my parents and grandparents. I had dinner with William. And I saw Live Free or Die Hard.

And at the end of it all, I'm only one year older and no closer to figuring out what the fuck I want out of life. I'm conflicted by my desire to flee to Maryland and alleviate my financial burdens, and to stay and fight the long, hard battle to be independent here in New York. To embrace the familiar or to adventure off into the unknown.

To be honest, the biggest disappointment from yesterday was comparing the large number of people who live nowhere near me who sent me birthday wishes to the minuscule number of people who live in the New York area who did so.

I have to find a way to connect to other people or I'm going to simply continue to be alone, regardless of where I am - here, Maryland, LA or the south fucking pole, it won't matter. I need to make more friends.

World View

2007-06-24T14:01:00.001-04:00

You scored as Existentialist, Existentialism emphasizes human capability. There is no greater power interfering with life and thus it is up to us to make things happen. Sometimes considered a negative and depressing world view, your optimism towards human accomplishment is immense. Mankind is condemned to be free and must accept the responsibility.

Existentialist

100%

Materialist

94%

Modernist

88%

Idealist

75%

Romanticist

69%

Postmodernist

63%

Cultural Creative

50%

Fundamentalist

44%

What is Your World View?
created with QuizFarm.com

LOLZ!

2007-06-22T23:04:00.001-04:00

Like Fucking Clockwork.

2007-06-21T20:04:00.001-04:00

So it's just something I noticed but William has already updated his MySpace profile to show as "Single." I'm kinda weirded out by the lack of another "Status" option ... there should be a "Just Ended Relationship" option so you don't look like you're just turning and burning a used copy of a video game or something. I mean ... it's so cold and sterile.

Yesterday you were in a relationship with someone and today you're not. There should be a color scheme to it as well that progressively shows just HOW single you really are. Like, today I'm light blue single. In two weeks, I'll be moderately blue single. If I'm not dating someone in two months, I'll be deep Navy blue single.

I think that's a much better way of handling that, don't you? I don't know. So weird. I just dislike the feeling that comes with noticing things that make me aware of being single again. To be honest, being single is not the ideal for me. I'd rather be in a shitty relationship than be single. When I'm single, I feel like my gaydar is always on and constantly searching for a potential suitor. It's energy-draining.

Like Fucking Clockwork.

2007-06-21T20:04:00.000-04:00

A Great End to the Evening

2007-06-20T01:49:00.000-04:00

Alright, here's the deal: I don't want any uplifting commentary or nurturing, supportive comments about life, nor do I want any mistakenly assumed angry "he's a prick" support, either. I'm only writing this entry because I need to talk, but don't want to pick up the phone and talk to an actual person.

William ended things (again) tonight. He had his reasons. I won't recount them, nor will I give an explanation for the underlying problems and such. That's not what I want to talk about.

To be honest, in a very selfish fashion, I want to talk about me and my problems.

Tonight simply reinforced a big problem I've confronted with myself as of late: I have issues connecting to other people emotionally. I know what people think and feel and can read people very easily and with great accuracy. However, I can't find a way to convey my own emotional state to them. As I explained to William earlier, when someone asks me "What's wrong," I spend the next several minutes silently running through a dialogue in my head. I don't know how to take my own emotions and translate them into a logical and understandable language that I can use to help other people connect with me.

This hit me really hard earlier tonight when I was confronted with an odd conversation. A co-worker told me of a young server's unexpected death last fall. He had mentioned that he went to the friend's funeral. It occurred to me that I knew of all the people who would come to my funeral at home in Maryland, but I really had no idea of who would come to my funeral from New York. I have made so few friends, particularly in the workplace, that my social life sadly revolves around frequently being the "plus 1" in the equation.

I am the guy that everyone likes, but no one thinks to have a drink with after work.

That upsets me a little. What upsets me more is that I know full well I'd be uncomfortable in that situation anyway.

When people explain why they're breaking up with you, it can be angering. What's frustrating for me is that I understand exactly what William was talking about when he was going over the reasoning. It was one thing - the emotional disconnect.

For me, that emotional disconnect is a way of life. I know what to say to make people laugh or smile, but I can't go much further than that. With William, it was no different. I could make him laugh and smile and do a lot of other things, but beyond all the superficiality, my own inability to connect with people kept me from forming my portion of the emotional bond.

I denote with the bold letters a very important point. I refer only to my portion because I cannot speak to his. There is no "who is to blame" in this situation. Reasons and causes are as superficial as reactions; we get what we want out of life and love. We make things work if we're capable of believing that they can work - even in the times when they aren't.

I am, and have always been, a crazy dreamer. I believe that anything is possible, which is why I never say never. The emotional disconnect I'm feeling is something I've been aware of for many years now. But I know it hasn't always been there. I have people with whom I am very well connected emotionally. I believe I can work through it, but I desire the support of someone who is willing to put up with that connection not always being there in the mean time. Nothing significant changes in this world until someone steps up and makes an equally significant sacrifice to start that change.

The only problem is that it would be unfair to ask that of a person outright; it's something they simply have to be willing to give.

Take A Sad Song And Make It Better

2007-06-09T02:36:00.000-04:00

I've found that I've lately been thinking more and more about how life was a lot easier when I was 16. Once you get a car, you attain a freedom that is unmatched at any point in your life. Aside from winning the lottery, there's nothing that matches the feeling of not having any restrictions on where you can go or what you can do - despite any "restrictions" your parents or the law might place upon you.

When I got my license 8 years ago, I had a fantastic Ford Taurus that I enjoyed thoroughly for the 7 months of its life that it was under my care. Despite the fact that I wouldn't call it a pristine condition purchase, I'll admit fully that my "care" may have hastened its demise by a few months. However, that doesn't change the fact that, while I had the car and it worked, it was my dream vessel - the Black Pearl to my Jack Sparrow. It was certainly a symbol of my newfound freedom.

I am very thankful that I spent a portion of what I'd consider my independent "adult" life in the pre-9/11 world. Kids growing up nowadays may never understand what it was like to not think EVERY SINGLE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING DAY about imminent demise and the impending threat of terrorism. Before 9/11's resultant wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, the last quagmire of a war was embedded in the history books as the incredible mistake in Vietnam.

Life at 16 was fucking grand!

I suppose the issue I'm encountering right now is a struggle with a feeling of helplessness that comes with living in New York. The whole of my apartment here is roughly the size of the upstairs floor of my house in Maryland. I have no car, and, to me, that equates to a maddening lack of freedom. The cost of living here is so high that I live from shift-to-shift (worse than living paycheck to paycheck). And the unfriendly attitude of this city - selfish and self-indulgent - makes me want to scream sometimes.

There's very little in the way of good things to keep me here, but what good there is means so much to me that I can look past the pitfalls of being young and poor in New York.

This can be an incredible city - and some come here to find a freedom that tall buildings and lots of people can project into their minds. But it can also be soul crushing sometimes. I guess I'm just having a bad week.

And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain,
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders.
For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder.

Shameless Self-Promotion

2007-05-29T01:51:00.000-04:00

I've started a new blog tonight whose sole purpose is to assist young New Yorkers in finding a way to better enjoy their time in the Big Apple.

The site is Gay Rules for Young New York.

Check it out!

Ah, So This Is Where I Left You

2007-05-13T23:00:00.000-04:00

I almost forgot you were here. So sorry about that. Sometimes I get caught up in all the craziness and forget to take a moment to sit back and relax.

Where was I? Where am I? Ah, yes ...

I was on the Upper West Side; I am on the Upper East Side. In a few days I will be in the East Village, and in two weeks, I will be on Avenue D.

Yes, I know what you're thinking. Avenue D is somewhat "out there." But I assure you, the place I'll be living is going to be quite a fun place to stay. See, I'll be rooming with my friend Shaun, who, among other things, has a penchant for quoting Ghostbusters, adapts Goosebumps novels into direct-to-DVD movie scripts, and intends to run for President someday. Interesting, no?

I think so.

Always an adventure ... always a thrill ride.

The restaurant is working out nicely for me, as I figured it would. There's really nothing to serving except personality (which is a lie, but it sounds good on paper). Tonight, I was able to muster an enthusiasm at every table despite the gnawing ache in my stomach and the congestion of my sinuses, successfully delivering a star performance for each of my three tables (in the Private Dining Room, where they put the party tables). I was especially personable at my last table - a graduation party for a Dominican family of 15. My humor played well with the fathers, my charm to the mothers and my looks to the young ladies. At the end of the meal, they shared with me a slice of their cake - which was exceptional.

I've found that this establishment is a very good place to work - very relaxed, very trusting. Unlike many of the chains and uber-micro-managed places I've worked in the past, there is a great deal of autonomy granted to the servers and bartenders at C.C. It is nice to feel trusted to do my job.

Better money will come with better shifts and better shifts will come with time. For now, life is alright and I like where I am. You can't really ask for more.

I Want This Dog ...

2007-04-03T14:13:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I Brag

2007-04-03T02:53:00.000-04:00

I realize that I take for granted the notion that my friends will have any idea what I'm talking about when I reference the person I'm dating. I simply assume that they're running on a wire-tap-filled dossier of useless info about him that contains every insignificant detail of his 22 years of existence (that's right, I date younger guys!).

I suppose, though, that my affection for him now leads me to feel so compelled to come here and brag about him. Why? Because I can.

William's a package full of sexy, all wrapped up in the cute trimmings of a well-dressed, very cute, very funny and intelligent arts student hailing from Atlanta. I wouldn't go into more detail about his background without his blessing, but at the moment, he's asleep next to me. He conked out early with what appear to be the early symptoms of a spring cold. As I write that, I'm kinda nudging him a bit further away from me, as I have no desire to endure a cold myself.

What I can tell you, however, is all the pertinent information about us as a couple: we've been dating five months, with brief one-day and one-week interruptions that were resolved by learning to better communicate with each other. We met online as mutual last-resort attempts at finding love in all the wrong places (i.e., gay.com - don't bother with that shitty site!). I had a witty (not really) profile and he wrote me a witty (not really) e-mail that made me laugh. (P.S., I'm kidding, his e-mail was very witty. I have to say this, cause if he reads this post, he'll beat me up for joking that it wasn't witty. Really, though, kid's got some guns. While not likely to tear a phone book in half any time soon - likely out of respect for James Earl Jones and the makers of the Yellow Pages - I'm fairly certain he could tear the arms off someone who beats him in holographic chess. You know, like a Wookie.)

What was I talking about? Oh yeah. William.

I can't remember what I meant to write about, except that I just wanted to say I'm really happy right now. How many people get to go to sleep next to an amazing person who genuinely cares about them and their dreams and ambitions pretty much every night of the week? It's a great thing, to be cared about in such a way. It's also great to get a kiss before work or school in the morning. :-)

On Justice in America

2007-04-02T01:05:00.000-04:00

I felt compelled to link this video (unfortunately, embedding is disabled by YouTube for this particular clip) showing the deadly result of "To Catch A Predator," which I criticized a few posts back.

What happens when we tread down the dark and dangerous path of forgoing the Constitution in favor of this disgusting form of justice, wherein a man gives up his life because a television network parades embarrassed, scared and often mentally sick people in front of millions of viewers, all for the sake of ratings and profit?

We lose ourselves.

We stray from our values.

We have a long-held belief in this country - not to mention a Constitutionally embedded standard of due process - that all men are created equal, and everyone is entitled to fair and true justice. You are innocent until proven guilty.

Unfortunately for this country, media has so seamlessly merged entertainment and news that no longer is there a distinction. Bias, so frequently called on the side of liberalism, exists in every news outlet. Information doesn't exist in pure form; constantly, facts and data are misinterpreted to give strength to one side's argument, irrelevant to the nature of what's actually happening.

What is happening? We're allowing ourselves to be TOLD what is happening by people who have NO IDEA what is happening. Chris Hansen calls that man a sexual predator (explicitly or implied by the fact that said person is the subject of a show entitled "To Catch A Predator"), and so we super glue that label to his forehead. "This man is a deviant," we proclaim. Where is his justice? Where is his due process?

I would not diminish the noble nature of those who genuinely want to make the world a safer place, but a reality we have to live with is that this country (and the rest of the world) is a dangerous place. What makes this country great, however, is that, despite all of the danger around us, we have a system of justice that is MEANT to be impartial. Ignoring the push in several states to have the Ten Commandments plastered all over the courthouses, we look inward at our own morality - our belief that certain things ought not be denied any human being: among them their lives, their safety and well-being, or their liberty.

A sexual deviant should be caught, tried and punished according to our code of justice. They should not be paraded about as a prize fish, caught after being lured in front of a camera for entertainment. If you ask me, if these people are convicted, while they spend their time in rehabilitation or correctional facilities, they should look into bring a lawsuit against MSNBC for profiteering from the crimes.

As I see it, MSNBC sets up a scenario within which a criminal act may occur with the express intent to lure in an unwitting "predator," which will bring them money. MSNBC's behavior here is criminal. Not to mention that it's starting to sound like Minority Report when you consider that no one has actually been harmed, and there was no eligible victim present at the scene of the "crime." It's was an intended criminal act.

My God, what has become of justice in America?

Good Writing, Great Writing

2007-03-30T00:15:00.000-04:00

A week or so ago, I was watching an episode of one of the Law & Order shows and a criminal had shot up a room full of school children believing that a backfiring car was the police firing on him. When the cops made it into the room, I was shocked to see the bloody bodies of the fifteen 10-year olds. It was something that made me very uncomfortable and slightly distressed. William asked why I was so affected by it - after all, it was only television.

Not for me. To me, it was good writing at work.

I've always been very attuned to the power of storytelling. Great lyrics in a song can be moving; written words properly composed can leave you with bated breath; and an actor following a good script can bring tears to your eyes. For me, all these things are all the more effective.

However, it didn't occur to me until tonight just how powerful great writing really is when it comes to that which I enjoy. I've been watching the first season of The West Wing (again!), and the first season ends with an assassination attempt. The first ten minutes of the second season, however, is where the real emotional payoff comes.

As the show is almost 8 years old now, I have no qualms about spoiling the season premiere of the Emmy-winning show's second season. However, I will say, if you haven't watched it - maybe add the third disc of the first season and the first disc of the second season to your Netflix queue and watch the first season cliff hanger and the second season premiere back-to-back.

The writing in those first few seasons was so amazing that the connections you create to the characters are so strong that when you come back to the location of the shooting and you hear the panic in C.J.'s voice as she asks if the President is dead, you begin to panic with her, even though you know that he's alive in the limo that is on its way back to the White House. When you discover that the President has been shot, you sense the urgency with which the (very well trained) limo driver pulls a U-turn at what's gotta be 60 MPH to send it heading back towards the hospital. But more so, you sense the desperation and fear with which Toby cries out for a doctor when he discovers that Josh has been shot.

Damn ... that's not good writing. That's great writing.

Is it great writing because it's so visceral? It's any "action" sequence - it rides on the adrenaline-fulled emotion of seeing two "bad guys" shoot at a "President." It's television. Maybe.

If you watched the show from the start (or rather, I should say, if you watch the show from the start, as it's no longer on the air), you will have built an emotional connection to the characters. Are you upset because a person got shot? No. You're upset because a good guy who does good things was shot. It's not upsetting because of the act; it's upsetting because the victim was a friend.

That's not good writing. That's great writing.

My Fucked Up Friend, Shaun

2007-03-29T15:34:00.000-04:00

So, I rediscovered one of the things that led me to believe Shaun would make a great friend back in my first year at NYU. A short film he made during our semester in Sight & Sound: Film. People often ask (actually, they never ask), "What are your friends like?" I would point to a film like this, but I realize that it's only Shaun who's this fucked up. And yet, his sense of humor has a darkness to it with which I can associate. Fucked up and hilarious at the same time.

To Catch A Hypocrite

2007-03-29T01:51:00.000-04:00

I just caught about three minutes of the MSNBC show, "To Catch A Predator," with Chris Hansen. I'll have to be honest, I'm absolutely appalled. However, my anger is not at the deviants caught in the act (or, rather, I should say, entrapped in the precursor to "the act"). It's with the show itself. Such a program is exploitative - or, rather, sexploitative - using the target audience's inherent desire to hear about sex AND supplying them with a healthy outlet for condemnation of criminally ill members of society.

This shouldn't be construed as a case for allowing perverts to prey upon vulnerable youth; that's not my intention at all. It's simply my belief that, while these people are dangerous and need to be rehabilitated or punished (as fits whatever crime of which they may eventually be convicted), we have to ensure that they are protected from exploitation, too.

An Occurrence Not Marked By a Particular Passage of Time

2007-03-22T03:30:00.000-04:00

I find that, when I'm happy, I find my way here with less frequency. I would question whether it's because I find writing here to be a therapy of sorts or whether my writing is simply borne of a strange sense of sadness and despair. Either way, I occasionally find my way back just to remind the people who come here routinely that I'm still alive.

I have started writing again - fiction, that is - and I've found that, as before, my creativity comes easily some days and excruciatingly painful on others (much like trying to pass a kidney stone the size of an Advil, I'd imagine). Ah, creativity - the occasional kidney stone of the mind. Other times, it's that enjoyable shiver that runs down your spine as you let loose your bladder after holding it through the whole movie. Too descriptive in a vulgar sense?

Never mind.

To speak more of my writing, I'm working on several things concurrently - a spec comic book script, a television drama and the occasional random idea in other media. As strange as it is, I've found that it's very easy for me to suddenly devote hours to working on one project only after frustratingly spending as much time failing to write a single good idea with another. Perhaps, here, my ADHD becomes less a liability and more an asset. My odd mental pacing generally relieves me very soon after becoming frustrated with my work, allowing me to walk away from it before I write ten pages of absolute rubbish which I will subsequently need to go back and re-write (and re-write, and re-write, and re-write...).

It's 3:40 and I'm no longer sleeping on a regular schedule. I've resumed a rather primarily-nocturnal lifestyle which, fortunately, is conducive to my writing habits, while at the same time, unfortunately, works against my necessary job hunt (and eventual daily work routine).

The thoughts in my mind have begun to echo in that way that they do when you're near to unbearable sleepiness, my breathing irregularly regular and deep. Sometimes, I feel I say so much here, and realize I've said so little. These posts, occurrences not marked by any particular passage of time, feel so incomplete and out of place to me ...

Much like I feel from day-to-day. I feel incomplete ... potential unfulfilled ...

Quote of the Day

2007-03-15T20:25:00.000-04:00

This was not a spoken quote, but rather a line from an e-mail sent to me back in 2005. In it, my friend Kent was giving me notes on a fantasy script I was writing at the time. The note is on a specific line of dialog, apparently something involving "grave danger."

16 - "Grave danger." There has to be a better way to say this. Oh, did Chris or I ever tell you about "Grave Danger?" It's a zombie movie we conceptualized where a group of people trying to escape a zombie holocaust hide out in a graveyard, since all the zombies have left already. We'll never write it, thank God. Anyway.

This is a great note, but there are a few more worth putting on here. In fact, this is no longer "Quote of the Day," it's "Script Notes of the Day."

22 - Please don't use the word "nay."

24 - Production designer: "Shit, we have to build a city now?"
Dave: "You want that fucking Oscar, don't you?"

- Good stuff. It certainly holds your interest, and you have an excellent sense of how long a scene should be. So many fucking scripts have these scenes that go on for pages and pages, while their writers boldly explore the limits of my attention span.

Graduation Cards

2007-03-15T20:17:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I'm trying to clean up the mess that is my room and I stumbled across the graduation cards I received last year. Among them were cards from two of the people whom I count among my closest friends and confidants.

One is a bad joke with a single written line: "Come what may ..."

The other is a modified Bar Mitzvah card, tailored to the rather different occasion of my graduation. When I saw it, I started laughing and crying at the same time.

They remind me that, no matter how alone I feel (and frequently I feel quite alone), I will always have friends. I'm pretty sure these people know who they are - they read my blog regularly.

Thanks guys! :-)

By the Way, It's Just Worth Noting ...

2007-03-15T13:06:00.000-04:00

I'll kill someone for Police tickets. Any show to which I can get. Hershey? MSG? Point me in the direction of the person you want eliminated, send me the tickets and they're gone.

Seriously, though, I wanna see the Police more than any other group this summer. So if anyone has a spare ticket and wants to see them with someone who'll thoroughly enjoy the show, just, you know, lemme know. ;-)

Damn, Boy, Where You Been?

2007-03-14T01:59:00.001-04:00

Quote of the Day

2007-03-12T20:54:00.000-04:00

Me: What would you do if you knew you only had a year to live?
Shaun: Kill my enemies.
Me: ...

So, Here's the Plan

2007-03-11T00:56:00.000-05:00

Ok, several details factoring in here:

1. I'm not certain what type of writing out of which I want to make a career. However, I can write anywhere.
2. New York is expensive and I have debts to pay. However, if I find the right job, it can pay the bills.
3. I don't want to work in an office. I want to write.
4. I want to live with friends, but I don't have any who are either a) looking for for a new apartment or b) looking for a new apartment AND want to live with me. This is to my disadvantage.
5. I have a lot of good days here in Manhattan ... at least as many as the bad days. I do better in the summer anyway, so it's to my benefit that the spring is coming upon us. I can postpone any regional displacement decisions for another few months.

So, basically, here's how I see it:

As the weather changes, so too does my attitude and general mood. I'll enjoy New York more throughout the summer, especially if I find a place to live somewhere closer to people my age. So I need to move out and preferably further south on the island. I get a job as a waiter or bartender (I've done it before and I can do it again), pay my bills, and have more free time during which I can write. In September, I can decide if I want to move - to Maryland or to Los Angeles. This is in line with the time line I set when I moved back into Manhattan. I gave myself a year to test the waters here. If I didn't like it, I would leave. Maryland is a place to recuperate and re-energize, then I find my way from there. This gives me six months. I think that's plenty of time to find my way again.

I also have a few guidelines for the next six months:

1. I have to find and maintain a job. The reality is that, while I may not want an office job, I need A job.
2. No frivolous purchases - no HDTVs, no stereo equipment, no gaming consoles, no computer components. I have all of those already, so there should be no single item over $60 I "need" to buy.
3. I have to write for at least an hour every day. The goal is to get myself back in the groove and make it to three hours every day.

I think if I hold to these standards, I can get myself back into the swing of things and recapture the person I was before I came to NYU (and became apathetic towards fulfilling my lifelong dreams).

I've set one more guideline for myself for these six months, though. I won't actively seek a new boyfriend. If I come across something, I'll see how it plays out, but the next six months are about ME.

We'll see where I'm at in September.

*Edit* 1:16AM

Angi, Dan, and Kate - When are you fuckers gonna come visit me? I have no roommate until April 27th. Don't wait until the last minute, goddammit! Get yer asses up here NOW!

Is It Time?

2007-03-08T11:04:00.000-05:00

I have been wondering lately where I want to be and what I want to do. Now that I'm untethered from life in New York, I have the opportunity to do the things I've wanted to do all my life.

I think it might be time for me to move to California.

It's a scary thought, leaving behind everything I know for someplace completely different, but I think it may be what I need to do. I will need to pit stop in MD for a little while to bank up some money. It would actually be more convenient that way. I could pay down my immediate debts and, since I'd be living next to an airport, I would be able to easily fly out if I had to interview for a position in California.

I'm not sure. New York has felt like home to me for the past four years. I haven't really missed living in Maryland at all since moving here. But New York is, for me, a place to share with someone you love - friends or a significant other. I get no joy in being alone here. And that's how I feel. This is an amazing city, but right now, for me, it's nothing but a labyrinth of buildings that hides the sun and makes everyone look smaller.

Seeking Stability

2007-03-06T11:57:00.000-05:00

It seems I can never get by with only one part of my life crumbling down at a time. Last year, I left school and had to figure out the whole "rest of your life" thing, all while dealing with losing my boyfriend of three years. Now, I've attempted to reset myself along the career path I should be on by leaving my well-paying and ultimately mind wracking IT job ... only to find that I have again lost a boyfriend at the exact moment I needed someone to help me stabilize myself.

I suppose the good thing is that now I have to deal with this shit on my own. Dive head first into the thick of it. If I can make it out of this alright, I can deal with all the other things that life will throw at me. If I can't, I'll be moving back to Maryland at the end of the month. Keep watching to see if I start packing my boxes and bags.

*Edit - 12:03PM*

I feel compelled to add to this post that I don't harbor any ill feelings towards either of the people mentioned above. In the words of Sting:

You can't control an independent heart
Can't tear the one you love apart

I will say that I have had the good fortune of keeping one of these people as a friend. I intend to do the same with the other person.

This was never meant as a forum for me to communicate with anyone else. It was simply a place where I could easily catalog my thoughts and feelings from day-to-day. It just happened to be a diary with an easy publishing and file retrieval system. That others might read it never really bothered me, but it wasn't my intention to make this a news feed for any of my distant friends or relatives to keep up-to-date with my life.

What I'm saying is, I know that everyone is there for me right now, and I appreciate any comforting sentiments that anyone might want to leave here. But I'd rather not see the generic "bash the dumper" consolation that really isn't helpful at all. No one is too good for anyone. No one deserves anything better. And I don't want to know if you didn't like anyone from the start anyway. Like I said, these people remain my friends and I intend to keep it that way.

Sometimes shit just doesn't work out. And that's all you can expect as an answer.

Evil Overlord List

2007-03-05T12:47:00.000-05:00

This was sent to me a while back and I just thought it was pretty funny. Most definitely worth sharing.

Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Were An Evil Overlord

My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

Just Because It's Funny

2007-03-02T21:47:00.000-05:00

Saw this and felt like sharing:

How Do You Respond to This?

2007-03-02T20:37:00.000-05:00

Ann Coulter: Discriminatory Cunt?

Yes, I used the c-word. Watch the clip and it will probably be the first thing out of your mouth. When you hear something like that, you have to begin to think that mature discourse is out of the question. You can't respond in a civil manner when someone says what she did.

After allowing my boiling blood to cool, I watched the clip again and realized, "Oh yeah, it's Ann Coulter. She's an insufferable bitch and a complete moron. What else could we expect?"

Like that other loony nutcase, Jack Thompson, there's no way that this dirty slut can actually believe any of the shit that spews out of her mouth. I think they just say the things they do to get attention. It'd be nice if she got a little more positive attention: like a stalker or something. Not to rape or kill her or anything ... just bludgeon her with a gigantic steel dildo until she's a drooling vegetable who can't spell her own name.

What? I think it'd be great for her. Then she wouldn't be able to embarrass herself in public, even if she continually and frequently shit her pants. There's no comparison to pointing out how much of an ignorant bigot you are in front of a bank of cameras broadcasting your comments to millions of people around the country.

Update: 8:57PM

Apparently Joe Solmonese, President of HRC, was better able to find an appropriate response to Ann's disgraceful comment. I agree with his demand completely: the 2008 GOP candidates need to distance themselves from this type of political warfare. Americans are nothing but disgusted by anyone who uses slurs and epithets to attract attention to their beliefs, even if they are consistent with their own.

They won't beat Obama by calling him a "nigger," they won't beat Richardson by calling him a "wetback," and they won't beat Hillary by calling her a "cunt." Well ... maybe they can beat Hillary that way, but I think I've otherwise made my point. Using such an insufferably nasty piece of language to describe an amazing American who has done much more for this country than she could ever even HOPE to do has shown Ann Coulter for what she is: a sad sensationalist. Shame Senator Edwards isn't really gay ... he's the best looking presidential candidate since JFK.

Finally Forced to Make the Change

2007-02-28T10:32:00.000-05:00

No, it's no major life shift, but it's new all the same: Blogger.

Yes, Blogspot has made me upgrade to the new Google-owned Blogger. I can't see much functionality difference, but there are some aesthetic changes made to the blog management pages.

Ignoring that minor detail, here's to the real point of this post: nostalgia. I've made it through February, which typically results in my leaving a job if I have one at the time (I did, so I left). March and April will typically see me on an emotional roller coaster that generally works this way:

I feel bad, so I play music I used to like or old games that used to be fun. They remind me of old friends or simpler times when the worst thing going on in my life was just acne or that AP US Government report I didn't do. This leads me to a realization that things will never be that easy again, and I that makes me sad. I could end this with the never-funny "lather, rinse, repeat" comment, but you know that's how it goes.

Feeling good makes me feel bad. How unbelievably fucked up is that?

But I say this because I found something today that didn't make me feel bad, but reminded me how simple it used to be to solve a problem. I just thought I'd share that common memory with you.

Nowadays, you don't have to worry about the jumble of pixels on your NES, but rather the red Ring of Death on your XBox360. There's no cartridge to blow on, and if you tried doing half the shit mentioned in that article, I think it would void your warranty. My how times have changed.