Growing Up

As the winter begins to kick into full swing, my seasonal affective disorder also gears up to wring my emotional being of every possible drop. At least, I think it's seasonal affective disorder. I only get depressed in the winter. I suppose I should go to the counseling center. That would be the smart thing to do, I guess - you know, actually be diagnosed as "seasonally fucked up." I really dislike seeing so many people when I come home - Angi, Dan, Bill, my family ... my dog!!! I never really have a problem leaving here to go back to New York, but that certainly doesn't mean I don't miss any of what I leave behind.

It's amazing how, as you go through life, your expectations shift immensely, and the things you wished for when you were younger are revealed as near impossibilities: you could never have lived here and just become a bank teller; you could never have stayed friends with certain people whom you thought were your best friends; you could never have settled down with the same person you first dated in high school. At intervals in life, new doors open up to entirely new levels of social involvement. You pass through and suddenly, you are in a completely different world - one where sometimes, unfortunately, the people you were friends with before must leave you. As your worldly circles grow, you change - even if you don't realize that you have changed. And I suppose that continues to happen until you decide you've found the place that you want to stay - the circle in which you are the happiest.

I just want to know when I'm going to get to my happy circle and who's going to be there with me. There are people I want to have at my side, and the uncertainty of life makes the likeliness that they will be there uncertain as well. Who will be by my side in my latter days?

Oft I sing for my friends
When Death's cold hand I see
When I reach my journey's end
Who will sing one song for me?

I wonder who will sing for me
When I'm called to cross that silent sea
Who will sing for me?

When friends shall gather round
And look down on me
Will they turn and walk away
Or will they sing one song for me?

I wonder who will sing for me
When I'm called to cross that silent sea
Who will sing for me?

So I'll sing 'til the end
Contented I will be
Assured that some friend
Will sing one song for me

I wonder who will sing for me
When I'm called to cross that silent sea
Who will sing for me?