Skipping a Beat, Blood Boiling

I find that more and more I'm angering easily again.

"Again?" I hear you scoff. "Ha, when did you not anger easily?"


For quite some time, I managed to relax myself and take life as it came at me, letting the ocean keep me afloat on calm waters or rush over me in great waves. Good or bad, nothing seemed too much for me to handle. I was happy and felt as though I had been borne of a new light, an greatness within that left me feeling as though I was in control of my life again to a greater extent than I had ever been before.

I was almost at peace with myself.

Now, the voices rise up again, calling to me with great urgency: "Don't forget this!" "Do that!" "Be here!" "Talk to him!" "Call her!" "Get up at 6!" "You're late!" "Move faster!" "Slow down!"

I can't escape my own mind. And again, I've slipped into a nightmarish trap whereby I struggle against the bonds that hold me down and they only grow tighter and more restricting.

I am no longer a man at peace. I anger quickly, become disheartened even faster, and despair almost always. Moments of happiness are fleeting and things that usually bring me great joy barely force any light through the dark clouds that hang over me seemingly always.

I don't know what it is I want, but I know what I don't want ... I don't want to be alone anymore. I've known companionship and its joys for years, and, knowing single life and dating for several months now, I am already certain I really don't like not having someone to love.

Beyond that, however, is something that both angers and depresses me. I don't know if I trust my heart anymore. I used to believe wholeheartedly (no pun intended) that love was an amazing truth - it would never lie to you. It would never mislead you. Now I know that love is as likely to be an illusory curtain between two people as it is to be a powerful bond between them. My own heart blinded me to the fact that I was falling further and further behind someone until eventually all I could see was their tail lights fading in the distance, someone else in the passenger seat of my beloved's car.

I am not angry at anyone, but instead curse the social concept of romance itself. It seems to be to be a greater risk to try investing yourself in someone else than to go out and have random sex with every hot mate you might come across. If the physical risk is not nearly the same, the emotional risk of falling in love seems far greater a danger.

If I love someone again, I know full well that it may not be forever. And I believe that the realization that it might not be puts in my mind a doubt as to whether attempting to reach forever with a person is even a worthwhile endeavor.

How can you love someone so much and lose them? And after loving someone so much and losing them, how can you expect to be able to shed your fears and do it all over again, expecting a different result.

It is said that insanity is doing something over and over again and expecting different results.

I am many things, but insane is not one of them.