Results and Expectations
By now, word seems to have spread to people I hadn't wanted to tell just yet (i.e., my parents) that I have put in notice at work and have given them ample time to find a replacement for me (and ample time to find a replace job for myself!) It has struck quite a few people that I'm giving up something really good - a lot more money than I'd be making otherwise, a potentially great management position within the company down the road, and a steady source of income that fulfills certain fiscal responsibilities.
This is true; I'm leaving behind something special. But it's not the kind of special something to which I want to devote my life.
About 8 weeks ago, I saw a neurologist about a suspicion that I might have attention deficit disorder. After a bit of an incubation period, I've received his resultant report on his findings. Not a whole lot of the content surprised me, but I suppose having the details of my current life situation presented so objectively and ... well, "matter-of-fact"-ly leaves me reexamining what I've accomplished (or not) over the past half-decade that I've been out of high school.
Take, for example, his notation on my time in college:
"He got A's and Bs in college. He studied for 2 years at Towson State University, then transferred to NYU to complete a BFA in Film. The patient acheived well above average scores on standardized tests, such as SAT. He is seen as visually, spatially, and mechanically talented."
Makes me realize I actually did do very well as a student. However, with regard to my job, he notes:
"The patient currently has a job in Information Technology. He was confronted by his boss for not focusing on work related tasks recently. He has also been late repeatedly, up to one hour."
Even I can tell that the subject above should probably be fired from his job. But does any of this help me? Does his report fulfill my desire to know more about myself so that I can fix the things I think are wrong with me? The way I behave, the lack of impulse control?
Maybe. It depends. I strongly desire to find a way to work through the constant static in my mind. Every day presents a challenge - like an addict, I impulsively move toward the choices that make me feel good immediately, caring very little about the long-term effect of my decisions.
However, where I fear doing the most harm is in my personal relationships. I have a friend who has made a fantastic recommendation on my behalf to his bosses and the HR department at a very prestigious talent agency. What happens if I run my six months at that job and find I hate working there, too? Or if I still find myself arriving to work late, despite having a definitive and set-in-stone 9-to-5 schedule?
Or what happens if the person I love continues to feel like I'm incapable of showing the same care and attention to his problems instead of worrying about my own, as I always do? As much as I want to change everything that is unprofessional about my behavior or selfish about my attention span, I am, it feels at times, simply a creature of habit. I do what feels right at the time, for good or for bad. Is there a way to change that? How do I fight my gut instincts?
The saddest part, perhaps, is that I am pissing away my potential (possibly this is the best reason for me to leave my well-paid position in IT):
"He finds that he does not pursue his art in his spare time, as he could be producing attempts at screenplays given his talent and his education. Instead, in his spare time, he reads comic books."
That last sentence contained no other examples of how I *waste* my time. It seemed perfectly definitive. Almost as though the sentence itself should be taken as a punctuation of the first line.
I like reading comic books. I like playing games. I like watching movies. These things are my life - they are my own personal joys. In those moments that I don't have a friend to share my time with, or a love with whom to spend the evening, I have my joys.
The question that burns most in my mind is, "Why do we have to separate the things we do for fun and the things we do for a living?"
Why am I finding it so hard to bridge my passions and my duties - to myself and to the people co-signed to all the money I spent on my education? Can they not both co-exist in a single frame of time? Why can't I do what I *love* for a living?
The simplest answer is that I can, and, as the neurologist's report shows, I'm simply not trying hard enough.
This is true; I'm leaving behind something special. But it's not the kind of special something to which I want to devote my life.
About 8 weeks ago, I saw a neurologist about a suspicion that I might have attention deficit disorder. After a bit of an incubation period, I've received his resultant report on his findings. Not a whole lot of the content surprised me, but I suppose having the details of my current life situation presented so objectively and ... well, "matter-of-fact"-ly leaves me reexamining what I've accomplished (or not) over the past half-decade that I've been out of high school.
Take, for example, his notation on my time in college:
"He got A's and Bs in college. He studied for 2 years at Towson State University, then transferred to NYU to complete a BFA in Film. The patient acheived well above average scores on standardized tests, such as SAT. He is seen as visually, spatially, and mechanically talented."
Makes me realize I actually did do very well as a student. However, with regard to my job, he notes:
"The patient currently has a job in Information Technology. He was confronted by his boss for not focusing on work related tasks recently. He has also been late repeatedly, up to one hour."
Even I can tell that the subject above should probably be fired from his job. But does any of this help me? Does his report fulfill my desire to know more about myself so that I can fix the things I think are wrong with me? The way I behave, the lack of impulse control?
Maybe. It depends. I strongly desire to find a way to work through the constant static in my mind. Every day presents a challenge - like an addict, I impulsively move toward the choices that make me feel good immediately, caring very little about the long-term effect of my decisions.
However, where I fear doing the most harm is in my personal relationships. I have a friend who has made a fantastic recommendation on my behalf to his bosses and the HR department at a very prestigious talent agency. What happens if I run my six months at that job and find I hate working there, too? Or if I still find myself arriving to work late, despite having a definitive and set-in-stone 9-to-5 schedule?
Or what happens if the person I love continues to feel like I'm incapable of showing the same care and attention to his problems instead of worrying about my own, as I always do? As much as I want to change everything that is unprofessional about my behavior or selfish about my attention span, I am, it feels at times, simply a creature of habit. I do what feels right at the time, for good or for bad. Is there a way to change that? How do I fight my gut instincts?
The saddest part, perhaps, is that I am pissing away my potential (possibly this is the best reason for me to leave my well-paid position in IT):
"He finds that he does not pursue his art in his spare time, as he could be producing attempts at screenplays given his talent and his education. Instead, in his spare time, he reads comic books."
That last sentence contained no other examples of how I *waste* my time. It seemed perfectly definitive. Almost as though the sentence itself should be taken as a punctuation of the first line.
I like reading comic books. I like playing games. I like watching movies. These things are my life - they are my own personal joys. In those moments that I don't have a friend to share my time with, or a love with whom to spend the evening, I have my joys.
The question that burns most in my mind is, "Why do we have to separate the things we do for fun and the things we do for a living?"
Why am I finding it so hard to bridge my passions and my duties - to myself and to the people co-signed to all the money I spent on my education? Can they not both co-exist in a single frame of time? Why can't I do what I *love* for a living?
The simplest answer is that I can, and, as the neurologist's report shows, I'm simply not trying hard enough.
posted by Dave at 11:00:00 PM
5 Comments:
Dear Son,
You are going to do what you want to do when you want to do it. You always have and always will. We(your Mother and I) know that. No matter what we say, David does what David wants....and that's OK! What we want you to know is that we support you in what ever you do! It is the lucky person who gets to combine his/her's passions,love, joys, whatever you want to call it with a JOB. Some people never try to do that and settle for whatever. We know that is not you and have always encouraged you to go for it and think big. And yes, we have offered some critisism(is that a word?)along the way, hoping that you would learn from our mistakes. Yes, it is an old cliche. You are one who has to learn by making the mistake yourself, you have always been like that and we have learned to live with that hoping that you don't get hurt too bad(like any parent). We want you to be happy in life, love, work, passion and everything else that involves you! You truly do have us behind you every step of the way and I think you know that in your heart.
Our Love always,
Dad
Your Dad is being too soft on you. Stop talking and analyzing everything, it's never gotten anyone but a profiler anywhere. Make it happen!
Remember, I'll always be here to lean on. I'll always be here to bitch too. I'll always be here to bounce ideas off of. And I most definately will always be here to laugh and you and humble you. It's what I'm good at and I don't see why anything should change this late in life. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
I know, probably moreso lately than before, that I can seem at bit...harsh at times and not understanding at all. That's because I simply don't get some things, don't think I ever will. But I sure as hell understand will. And determination. Though I love the times when you rely on me (makes me feel all kinds of self-important!) and am flattered that anyone could think so highly of me, you rely on others too much. You rely on them to tell you what you already know. Doctors and friends. Everyone knows you're a stuborn sonofabitch! You best of all. Stop doubting yourself. You need to rely more on yourself. Like Dad said, it's gonna happen when you want it to. Cause heaven help those that stand in the way of something that you want right then and there. It'll happen and it'll be everything you want it to be simply because it's what you want. It'll happen for you, it will, but only for you. Like I said, you're stuborn and I haven't known you to ever take no for an answer.
If I had to guess, I would say comment #2 is from Angie....eh!
Angie,
You know you will never win this battle with David! But give him hell!!!!!!!!!
the other d
As far as I'm concerned I'm one of the few who are properly qualified to give him hell. That therefore makes it my goal and mission in life to see that he has his necessary amount of hell dished out when needed. It's what we do for the ones we love...
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