I'm Doing Everything Right, But I Can't Break Free ...
Having recently read previous posts I've made throughout the years, I am feeling deeply ashamed that I haven't taken the time to write more in the last two years. However, I feel the way I'd imagine any other person would feel when they reach an age closer to 50 - tired of the bullshit they've had to deal with, and maybe wondering if they're ever gonna get a chance to relax and just be ... not be what their partner or their family or their friends or coworkers want them to be. Just be.
More so, I'm just wondering, "What about me?" I've spent a lot of time giving too much of a damn about what other people want lately, and no one has given a damn about me. A lot of days, I just want to lay in bed and sleep. I can't even muster the emotional energy to cry anymore.
I'm just drained.
Yesterday, all I wanted was to go into DC and participate in Jon Stewart's rally with my friends that I haven't seen in far too long. But we woke up late because we had stayed out until 4AM the night before - because that's what everyone ELSE wanted to do. We didn't get to the College Park metro station until noon, and it was so packed that there was an hour wait just to get to the platform. Instead of checking the other stations or driving in, the rest of my group decided it would be easier to watch the rally on TV.
I wasn't going for the rally. I was going because it was where my friends were. And I felt angry, warm tears roll down my cheek and drop silently from my chin as I drove us back to Stephen's apartment.
What about me?
I'm not even going to touch the subject of work, except to say that I have discovered I may never be happy anywhere I land simply because no job I've had since my first one out of college has actually paid me enough money to live on my own. Maybe money can't buy happiness. But it can pay for things that make me happy - and it can pay off the debts that make me unhappy.
What about me?
More so, I'm just wondering, "What about me?" I've spent a lot of time giving too much of a damn about what other people want lately, and no one has given a damn about me. A lot of days, I just want to lay in bed and sleep. I can't even muster the emotional energy to cry anymore.
I'm just drained.
Yesterday, all I wanted was to go into DC and participate in Jon Stewart's rally with my friends that I haven't seen in far too long. But we woke up late because we had stayed out until 4AM the night before - because that's what everyone ELSE wanted to do. We didn't get to the College Park metro station until noon, and it was so packed that there was an hour wait just to get to the platform. Instead of checking the other stations or driving in, the rest of my group decided it would be easier to watch the rally on TV.
I wasn't going for the rally. I was going because it was where my friends were. And I felt angry, warm tears roll down my cheek and drop silently from my chin as I drove us back to Stephen's apartment.
What about me?
I'm not even going to touch the subject of work, except to say that I have discovered I may never be happy anywhere I land simply because no job I've had since my first one out of college has actually paid me enough money to live on my own. Maybe money can't buy happiness. But it can pay for things that make me happy - and it can pay off the debts that make me unhappy.
What about me?
posted by Dave at 12:09:00 PM
1 Comments:
I wish I could say things will get better, but unfortunately I cant. I am starting to believe that things are not meant to work out for me.
I, too, am tired. Tired of caring about other peoples children when no one cares that my mother and I work very hard to give those children a great place to cheer. Tired of not taking the time out to go hiking like I said I was going to. Tired of a crappy job where I sit all damn day long and pray that I get an hours worth of work today. Tired that no one will hire me for a part time job. Tired of bill collectors. Tired of saying no to friends because I dont have the money to pay for dinners out. I am simply tired and I hate it. So much for being the 24 year old happy girl I thought I would be.
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