Complacency vs. Reluctance

Complacency, it can be so vicious ...
- David Gray, New Horizons

Complacency is a bitch. I've been watching this show a lot lately, I won't say which one, but it instills in me a great fear about my future. Fear that I won't get to do what I want to do. Imagine knowing that there are hundreds of variations on becoming a director or a writer, but knowing that what that really means is that there is one unique path for every single director working "out there." ("Out There" in this context is a generalization of the film/television industry as a whole, not the typical use referring to Hollywood/LA)

There will be one path for me and it's hidden somewhere in a foggy maze of uncertainty. Around one corner lurks Fear; around another, Indifference. I must avoid Complacency, Reluctance, and Self-Doubt or I will face dead end after dead end.

I don't even know if I want to post this. I probably sound like a gibbering fool, babbling about the same stupid things that every graduating (or recently graduated) student worries about. But, as with every student of the world, my fears are unique enough to me that I will have them anyway. I can sit here in my living room and stare at Manhattan, thinking of it a singular object - a city. But when I fathom that there are hundreds of places I could work, in thousands of positions I would hate, something within me cries out - a frightened scream, coming from a frightened soul, begging for a guiding light to illuminate my path.

Help me! it cries out I don't want to do this alone!

But, regardless of the optimistic assurances that others may provide, another voice, even deeper down than the first, speaks. It rumbles in a low, objective tone.

You are alone. No one can lead you from here. You must find your own way.

And I know this to be the truth. My family is hundreds of miles away. The doors to my educational institution lead me to cold hallways filled with people in isolation - not knowing what lies ahead of them. I stand in all places, alone, and wishing someone could show me the way.

There have been few things I have ever wanted to do. I don't refer to my desire to fulfill these wants as "dreams." I do not dream of being something. At my very core, I know what I am. The question is, will I ever find a place in the world for me, as the person I know I am?

I am a storyteller. How do I get people to listen?

These short films I have to make are not simply projects or grades. They are stories. My stories. They are me; I am them. I will get people to listen by going out and boldly proclaiming that I have a story to tell, and others must come listen.

Tonight, my complacency dissolves into a confirmation - I am no longer willing to sit and watch this world pass by, looking for my place; I know what I am, and I will roam the world in search of the place into which I fit. If I cannot find that place, I will make it.

Since I started writing here, I may have asserted my willfulness several times already. This may be no different. However, I see no clear alternative, save more complacency and talk of things I am actively working to progress.

My fears will not dictate what I can and cannot do. My passions alone cannot lead me to success. To contain my fears and focus my passions, I must be strong, and bold and willful. Otherwise, I'm not telling stories; I'm simply lying to myself.