Spontaneous Combustion
I think if ever there was a candidate to simply burst into flame, it'd be me. I'm really waiting for that to top off the emotional buildup of the past month. I can't eat again. And that's as much my fault as it's something I can't really control. As I intoned in the last post, I have created for myself yet another shitty situation that has me completely distraught.
I feel like a record that just keeps skipping and skipping and skipping and skipping ... like every week, I fall off this great high I'm on. The cloud dissolved beneath me and I hit the ground hard. My life right now is just so fucked up.
I've graduated, but have work to finish. I want to do enough to get the grades, but not actually make my film. I want to go to grad school again, but I don't have the money for that ... and I haven't worked through the LSAT book for days. I can't sleep at night, so I take shots of whatever liquor we have to put myself to sleep. I need to find a job, but that's not really a simple task.
All the while, the underlying problem is this loneliness, this alienation I feel from everyone and everything. I've caused my best friend to pull away again. I don't feel the same connection to other people, so I can hang out with them but it doesn't distract me. The only other person I connect with lives hours away. Nothing can fill the hole in me - that part of me that was torn away.
And, again, I've managed to reveal some detail of the past three years so deplorable that I've pissed off both of my closest friends (one who pulled away and undoubtably no longer feels compelled to trust me; the other who reminded me that what I did was wrong but that I'm not a bad person). So here I am ... a reformed convict hoping that when people look at him, they won't see the bad things he's done as representing who is now, but rather the person that he was before.
People can change, but it takes time and patience ... and, above all else, compassion and forgiveness.
I'm trying to change, I'm ready to change. I'm willing to change. I want it. But I'm afraid that I might have used up all my strikes.
I feel like a record that just keeps skipping and skipping and skipping and skipping ... like every week, I fall off this great high I'm on. The cloud dissolved beneath me and I hit the ground hard. My life right now is just so fucked up.
I've graduated, but have work to finish. I want to do enough to get the grades, but not actually make my film. I want to go to grad school again, but I don't have the money for that ... and I haven't worked through the LSAT book for days. I can't sleep at night, so I take shots of whatever liquor we have to put myself to sleep. I need to find a job, but that's not really a simple task.
All the while, the underlying problem is this loneliness, this alienation I feel from everyone and everything. I've caused my best friend to pull away again. I don't feel the same connection to other people, so I can hang out with them but it doesn't distract me. The only other person I connect with lives hours away. Nothing can fill the hole in me - that part of me that was torn away.
And, again, I've managed to reveal some detail of the past three years so deplorable that I've pissed off both of my closest friends (one who pulled away and undoubtably no longer feels compelled to trust me; the other who reminded me that what I did was wrong but that I'm not a bad person). So here I am ... a reformed convict hoping that when people look at him, they won't see the bad things he's done as representing who is now, but rather the person that he was before.
People can change, but it takes time and patience ... and, above all else, compassion and forgiveness.
I'm trying to change, I'm ready to change. I'm willing to change. I want it. But I'm afraid that I might have used up all my strikes.
posted by Dave at 1:55:00 PM
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