A Great End to the Evening

Alright, here's the deal: I don't want any uplifting commentary or nurturing, supportive comments about life, nor do I want any mistakenly assumed angry "he's a prick" support, either. I'm only writing this entry because I need to talk, but don't want to pick up the phone and talk to an actual person.

William ended things (again) tonight. He had his reasons. I won't recount them, nor will I give an explanation for the underlying problems and such. That's not what I want to talk about.

To be honest, in a very selfish fashion, I want to talk about me and my problems.

Tonight simply reinforced a big problem I've confronted with myself as of late: I have issues connecting to other people emotionally. I know what people think and feel and can read people very easily and with great accuracy. However, I can't find a way to convey my own emotional state to them. As I explained to William earlier, when someone asks me "What's wrong," I spend the next several minutes silently running through a dialogue in my head. I don't know how to take my own emotions and translate them into a logical and understandable language that I can use to help other people connect with me.

This hit me really hard earlier tonight when I was confronted with an odd conversation. A co-worker told me of a young server's unexpected death last fall. He had mentioned that he went to the friend's funeral. It occurred to me that I knew of all the people who would come to my funeral at home in Maryland, but I really had no idea of who would come to my funeral from New York. I have made so few friends, particularly in the workplace, that my social life sadly revolves around frequently being the "plus 1" in the equation.

I am the guy that everyone likes, but no one thinks to have a drink with after work.

That upsets me a little. What upsets me more is that I know full well I'd be uncomfortable in that situation anyway.

When people explain why they're breaking up with you, it can be angering. What's frustrating for me is that I understand exactly what William was talking about when he was going over the reasoning. It was one thing - the emotional disconnect.

For me, that emotional disconnect is a way of life. I know what to say to make people laugh or smile, but I can't go much further than that. With William, it was no different. I could make him laugh and smile and do a lot of other things, but beyond all the superficiality, my own inability to connect with people kept me from forming my portion of the emotional bond.

I denote with the bold letters a very important point. I refer only to my portion because I cannot speak to his. There is no "who is to blame" in this situation. Reasons and causes are as superficial as reactions; we get what we want out of life and love. We make things work if we're capable of believing that they can work - even in the times when they aren't.

I am, and have always been, a crazy dreamer. I believe that anything is possible, which is why I never say never. The emotional disconnect I'm feeling is something I've been aware of for many years now. But I know it hasn't always been there. I have people with whom I am very well connected emotionally. I believe I can work through it, but I desire the support of someone who is willing to put up with that connection not always being there in the mean time. Nothing significant changes in this world until someone steps up and makes an equally significant sacrifice to start that change.

The only problem is that it would be unfair to ask that of a person outright; it's something they simply have to be willing to give.