The Liquid Calorie Diet

I'm back to the point where nervousness has made it impossible to keep down solid food other than a few crackers and an occasional chip or two. I'm now running essentially on liquid smoothie drinks that are high in calories.

I can't begin to describe how shitty my position is right now. In fact, I just wrote an entire paragraph describing half of the situation, but I deleted it thinking that perhaps this is not the best forum to discuss what I want to discuss.

In the end, the real cause of my nausea is my forced departure from Manhattan. As much as I would like to stay here, barely thriving financially and coming close to needing welfare to survive, I have concluded that the most fiscally responsible thing I could do right now is head back to Maryland to regroup and put my life in order.

I will speak honestly to what really bothers me about leaving, though. At this point, my feelings on the matter are so transparent that I see no reason not to explain exactly what I am really frustrated over.

I'm upset because things haven't worked out between William and I. I'm heartbroken that we haven't reconciled as a couple. We are friends and we talk and hang out occasionally, but to me, he means so much more still. Despite the nature of our break-up at the time, I still see so much more worth loving in him than I do worth disliking. And now, leaving here - even despite my belief that we never know what the future holds - I feel as though any likelihood, however small, of our two becoming one again is gone.

Even if I came back in six months, I know full-well how easy it is to forget about someone when they aren't around every day. It was a month after JJ left New York that I found someone else who took the core of my affections away from my ex-fiance. While he has occasionally crossed my mind, JJ does not frequently occupy my thoughts.

At this point, I don't even see the value in continuing to voice my frustrations, as talking achieves very little. But as I'm able to do even less, all I have is the ability to speak up and say, "This sucks, I'm a little tired of this crap!"

And to be honest, I really am tired of this. The events that have transpired over the course of the past two years, both within my control and not, have led me to this point: fucked over financially and twice-bitten in the ass by love. We have that cliché that "life isn't fair," but that's bullshit and we all know it. I'm not a bad person, and I'm tired of being conspired against by Fate and Chance.

I'm going home to Maryland and once I've paid down my debts, I'm gonna kick the ever-living fuck out of life and take what's owed me. My debts to others are one thing, but I'm owed big time by whomever is running this fucking show. I'm done riding these things out and being left half-drowned at the end. It's time for me to score one for myself.