Seeking Refuge in Words
I have at many times in my life felt sad, depressed, and lonely. In those times, I've often turned to writing for solace - comfort found in the ability to put my thoughts to words, for all the world to see, or no one but myself. I still have my letters to no one from the period after John left me; here in the archived journals of nearly the past ten years, you could find many days of sorrow.
Right now, words give me no comfort. My mind finds no peace in organizing the chaotic storm of thoughts that fill my head. In this moment, I am simply numb, and my hands perform a task of stenography to record for posterity what is happening.
I expected that if this moment came I would be more heartbroken - perhaps I will be later. Right now, though, I feel as though this was to be expected. John, William, Stephen and Stephen. A consistent string of un-successes - not failures, but rather misplayed romances. These loves held infinite possibilities, but never reached them because there existed in each a great imbalance.
It is said that "The person who cares least in a relationship has the most power," and I know that is true. I have only taken one opportunity to empower myself against that kind of imbalance, and it was the choice to end my last relationship.
This time, however, there is a stranger force at work against me. It's not the simplicity of a personal selfishness - the typical catalyst for a breakup. It's something more complex and sinister. It's a fractured psyche - a beautiful mind and soul overwhelmed by the torments of his past, and preventing him from seeing a future.
Unfortunately for him, it doesn't just prevent him from seeing a future with me, but from seeing a future with anyone. He may not know this now, but then as far as I can tell, I'm the only person he's had moderate success dating in almost two years, and it is probably because I'm not like most people - I have significantly more patience and understanding in the failings of others than do most.
I think that this is why I'm not more hurt. I understand that he is in ten kinds of pain, with no relief in sight. He can't make the commitment that I want, but he desires a friendship with me that transcends the platonic - our friendship was built upon love, and most of its base was constructed by me. As someone who loves him dearly, I'm afraid of what will happen when I'm not here - I've constructed a pretty good idea of what his life was like before we became friends, and to think of him slumping back into a habit of compulsive self-medication, with no regard for his own sense of self-worth (or perhaps as a deranged attempt to inflate that value), bothers me tremendously. And it is all hidden behind a bullshit facade in the form of a mindless mantra - "I want to live with no regrets."
I spoke to a friend of mine recently who went through troubles of her own with her military husband. When we talked of our significant others' personalities, their behaviors were almost mirrored - an inability to talk about their problems, building emotional barriers, compulsive self-medication (in the form of sex), under-appreciating the people who care for them ... and a "no regrets" philosophy.
I'm generous when I call it a philosophy. The concept of "living with no regrets," is a misapplied notion in this instance. The people who do what he is doing aren't living with no regrets - they're being cavalier about how they lead their lives and they are doing exactly what they propose not to be doing: they're creating pasts that they will later regret, filled with choices and decisions that, in hindsight, were the true mistakes.
Worse than that, though, is that in this instance one could find no pillar of support stronger than myself. My open-minded worldview and long-developed sense of patience in helping others with their problems makes me one person who will never judge a friend for their shortcomings. Even less so would I be inclined to pass judgment upon someone I love.
And I have loved none as dearly as I love Stephen.
For all the barriers he's built around his heart, for all the regressive steps he's taken in the year we've been friends, and for all the hurt he's put upon me, I can see through everything to a soul more beautiful than you could possibly imagine. The moments when his smile is genuine and you can see him relieved of the burdens of the tragedy that haunts him are worth every hour and every day of struggle and pain, because in those moments I see a man who appreciates his life.
He and I have shared many great days together. In counting them, I'd wager that we've spent 90% of the last year together (excluding his time in Seattle and Wichita). We've been inseparable, and a few friends have pointed out how strange it will be that we won't be "Stephen and David" anymore. What a strange thing, that two people - linked so closely in personality and love - could fall apart so quickly.
My worldview, being so open, leaves so much room for possibility that I would never discount the likelihood of us getting back together. However, I don't know that that is going to happen, and given present circumstances, I'd have to view that as unlikely. And things will never go back to the way they were before we started dating because ... well, they never do. When you take this step forward, the only next steps are farther apart or forward again.
John and I stepped farther apart but moved forward again after our breakup. We have become great friends, and he is one of my most trusted confidants. He knows me in a way that no one else will. Angi and I stepped quite far apart and eventually made our way forward again after a particularly nasty fight in our senior year of high school. She is my best friend and most reliable supporter - not because she backs everything I do, but because she's honest in her advice and doesn't judge me when I don't listen to it and inevitably make the mistake she warned me that I could avoid.
I hope that, in whatever form our relationship takes, Stephen and I can move forward. But for now, we move apart. And in every instance, moving forward requires that both people are able to change and grow. I fear that this will be harder for him than for the others, but I know that he is capable of it. He has such great potential in him, and yet he undersells himself constantly.
Whatever happens, I know this: the only thing completely consistent in my life is my willingness to stand by the people I care about. I will be there for him when he needs me, and I'll help him when he reaches out for it. The rest is up to him.
I wish I could do more ... I wish that arguing the point would change his mind. I wish that talking it over would assuage his grief and guilt over loving someone other than the person he's lost. I wish that he would reach out for help, and drop his walls. I wish that everything was as good as it was back in August when we talked for hours on the phone every night. I wish he'd wear the ring I gave him.
I wish he would still be mine.
We don't get everything we wish for, and as I've come to discover in my life, we rarely get anything we wish for. Love is one area where I know this to be the most true. Perhaps that's why this line from Moulin Rouge is so fitting in my life: "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."
I love Stephen, and though my heart wishes for that to be returned the same, for now that will have to be enough.
Right now, words give me no comfort. My mind finds no peace in organizing the chaotic storm of thoughts that fill my head. In this moment, I am simply numb, and my hands perform a task of stenography to record for posterity what is happening.
I expected that if this moment came I would be more heartbroken - perhaps I will be later. Right now, though, I feel as though this was to be expected. John, William, Stephen and Stephen. A consistent string of un-successes - not failures, but rather misplayed romances. These loves held infinite possibilities, but never reached them because there existed in each a great imbalance.
It is said that "The person who cares least in a relationship has the most power," and I know that is true. I have only taken one opportunity to empower myself against that kind of imbalance, and it was the choice to end my last relationship.
This time, however, there is a stranger force at work against me. It's not the simplicity of a personal selfishness - the typical catalyst for a breakup. It's something more complex and sinister. It's a fractured psyche - a beautiful mind and soul overwhelmed by the torments of his past, and preventing him from seeing a future.
Unfortunately for him, it doesn't just prevent him from seeing a future with me, but from seeing a future with anyone. He may not know this now, but then as far as I can tell, I'm the only person he's had moderate success dating in almost two years, and it is probably because I'm not like most people - I have significantly more patience and understanding in the failings of others than do most.
I think that this is why I'm not more hurt. I understand that he is in ten kinds of pain, with no relief in sight. He can't make the commitment that I want, but he desires a friendship with me that transcends the platonic - our friendship was built upon love, and most of its base was constructed by me. As someone who loves him dearly, I'm afraid of what will happen when I'm not here - I've constructed a pretty good idea of what his life was like before we became friends, and to think of him slumping back into a habit of compulsive self-medication, with no regard for his own sense of self-worth (or perhaps as a deranged attempt to inflate that value), bothers me tremendously. And it is all hidden behind a bullshit facade in the form of a mindless mantra - "I want to live with no regrets."
I spoke to a friend of mine recently who went through troubles of her own with her military husband. When we talked of our significant others' personalities, their behaviors were almost mirrored - an inability to talk about their problems, building emotional barriers, compulsive self-medication (in the form of sex), under-appreciating the people who care for them ... and a "no regrets" philosophy.
I'm generous when I call it a philosophy. The concept of "living with no regrets," is a misapplied notion in this instance. The people who do what he is doing aren't living with no regrets - they're being cavalier about how they lead their lives and they are doing exactly what they propose not to be doing: they're creating pasts that they will later regret, filled with choices and decisions that, in hindsight, were the true mistakes.
Worse than that, though, is that in this instance one could find no pillar of support stronger than myself. My open-minded worldview and long-developed sense of patience in helping others with their problems makes me one person who will never judge a friend for their shortcomings. Even less so would I be inclined to pass judgment upon someone I love.
And I have loved none as dearly as I love Stephen.
For all the barriers he's built around his heart, for all the regressive steps he's taken in the year we've been friends, and for all the hurt he's put upon me, I can see through everything to a soul more beautiful than you could possibly imagine. The moments when his smile is genuine and you can see him relieved of the burdens of the tragedy that haunts him are worth every hour and every day of struggle and pain, because in those moments I see a man who appreciates his life.
He and I have shared many great days together. In counting them, I'd wager that we've spent 90% of the last year together (excluding his time in Seattle and Wichita). We've been inseparable, and a few friends have pointed out how strange it will be that we won't be "Stephen and David" anymore. What a strange thing, that two people - linked so closely in personality and love - could fall apart so quickly.
My worldview, being so open, leaves so much room for possibility that I would never discount the likelihood of us getting back together. However, I don't know that that is going to happen, and given present circumstances, I'd have to view that as unlikely. And things will never go back to the way they were before we started dating because ... well, they never do. When you take this step forward, the only next steps are farther apart or forward again.
John and I stepped farther apart but moved forward again after our breakup. We have become great friends, and he is one of my most trusted confidants. He knows me in a way that no one else will. Angi and I stepped quite far apart and eventually made our way forward again after a particularly nasty fight in our senior year of high school. She is my best friend and most reliable supporter - not because she backs everything I do, but because she's honest in her advice and doesn't judge me when I don't listen to it and inevitably make the mistake she warned me that I could avoid.
I hope that, in whatever form our relationship takes, Stephen and I can move forward. But for now, we move apart. And in every instance, moving forward requires that both people are able to change and grow. I fear that this will be harder for him than for the others, but I know that he is capable of it. He has such great potential in him, and yet he undersells himself constantly.
Whatever happens, I know this: the only thing completely consistent in my life is my willingness to stand by the people I care about. I will be there for him when he needs me, and I'll help him when he reaches out for it. The rest is up to him.
I wish I could do more ... I wish that arguing the point would change his mind. I wish that talking it over would assuage his grief and guilt over loving someone other than the person he's lost. I wish that he would reach out for help, and drop his walls. I wish that everything was as good as it was back in August when we talked for hours on the phone every night. I wish he'd wear the ring I gave him.
I wish he would still be mine.
We don't get everything we wish for, and as I've come to discover in my life, we rarely get anything we wish for. Love is one area where I know this to be the most true. Perhaps that's why this line from Moulin Rouge is so fitting in my life: "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."
I love Stephen, and though my heart wishes for that to be returned the same, for now that will have to be enough.
posted by Dave at 9:52:00 AM
3 Comments:
Everything is all so very relative to the current situation that you don't realize the world is continuing around you until the next situation presents itself.
I think back to when I was married and spending every single day with my husband and I knew, without a doubt, that life would never be the same. Well, hooray for me, huh? Truer words there never were...
There was no end in my happiness, until it ended. Then there was in end in my pain, until that ended too. I’ve come to realize that the one and only person who will forever and always be there for me is myself; I am eternally grateful for that knowledge. It’s not to say that there aren’t others who care for me and who will support me without question, I know that there are and I love these few people all the more for it. What I mean is that without my own undying support for myself, theirs would be meaningless. They could boast and rave of my accomplishments and adversities overcome, but without my belief that I deserved it those words would fall on deaf ears.
My one true act of selflessness that simply rankles me to the core is that I am willing and able, and more often than not, throw myself headfirst into the situations that allow me to be a crash test dummy for my friends. I’ve said before that I don’t have a problem with making mistakes, all know that I’ve made plenty and plan on making many more before I’m done. What irritates me is that my mistakes are not heeded. That my lessons are not learned by those around me. Perhaps it’s because those around me are just as stubborn as I am. My issue with mistakes isn’t the initial making of them; it’s the refusal to learn from them and inevitability of making the same ones again.
No one can give themselves completely to another and not expect to be used. No one can shield themselves from others and not expect to be rejected. No one can love another unless they love themselves first. I am content in my current solitude. I am also very aware that it could be better, and, that said, that it could be much worse. There is no pain like the current pain, no love like the one there is now. But without a balance, without a line of sight that allows you to see both the past and the future, none of that matters. I love and admire my Mother more and more everyday that I am graced to know her. She is the woman I hope to someday be. But that doesn’t mean that I wanted to be a high school dropout and have a kid at 19. That doesn’t mean that I to live my life with the lesser of two evils and go to a dead end job that I hate for the rest of my life. People say we look alike (we don’t see it), but even if it’s not on the outside I was blessed to be given a piece of her on the inside; I was also blessed with her sight.
Conviction to overcome anything thrown in my path is something my Mom gave to me (aside of the hips, thighs and lack of ass). The ability to see the mistakes of others and try to route a course different from theirs is another gift she bestowed on me; and it’s one that I try to give others.
As harsh as it makes you seem, look beyond this circumstance. Know that things will change, that you can make them change. Know that your decisions and whether you take a right or left at the fork in the road will have consequences that only you will be responsible for. Know that those around you are making the same decisions and that they too are the ones who are solely responsible for the outcomes. Your choices may bring your roads together, but ultimately it’s of your own volition if you stay on that road or not; same goes for whomever you’re currently traveling with.
Living with no regrets isn’t something to be shunned. Living with reckless abandon isn’t the same, and it’s not all it’s cracked up to be, but, it’s also not something to be shunned. Living with doubt, plagued by indecision- that’s the death of the soul. Having no regrets doesn’t mean you take no chances. It’s all about taking chances. I’ve taken many, and had more than most turn out to be stupid and detrimental beyond measure. But they’ve lead me to my current path and circumstance, for that I am grateful. I love myself and what I have come to be and what I strive to be. I love my friends, who knock me down when I need it but never leave my side without offering me a hand up off the ground (though that outstretched hand is oft ignored, I said I was stubborn!). I love my past, without it I wouldn’t be who I am or be capable to become who I want.
I still pop off at the mouth when I shouldn’t. I still stay silent when I should be screaming. Some things are just personality flaws, I suppose, that make me even that much more endearing! But I’m proud to say I’ve never been able to enduring the suffering of a friend and loved one, that I’ve always stood up for what I believed in even when it caused me personal harm. I’ve built my own walls to keep people out and have been the first to congratulate, and thank, those who have breached them.
We can’t win them all. And while there may be no “I” in team there is a “ME” and an “I” in win! Do what you can, when you can. Learn from yourself and others and carry on as best as you see fit. It’s all any can hope for and the best outcome.
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