Even the Best Fall Down Sometimes

Some days the words just don't come to me. It's painful to feel such a disconnect from language. If I push it, I can write something, but it's extremely difficult. To describe it best, I'd say that whenever I'm filled with an emotion - particularly a negative emotion - it's hard for me to find a way to communicate with other people.

Yesterday was a good birthday, I guess. I didn't really do anything. A few people sent me messages on Facebook; some sent me text messages; a person or two called me. I got cards from my parents and grandparents. I had dinner with William. And I saw Live Free or Die Hard.

And at the end of it all, I'm only one year older and no closer to figuring out what the fuck I want out of life. I'm conflicted by my desire to flee to Maryland and alleviate my financial burdens, and to stay and fight the long, hard battle to be independent here in New York. To embrace the familiar or to adventure off into the unknown.

To be honest, the biggest disappointment from yesterday was comparing the large number of people who live nowhere near me who sent me birthday wishes to the minuscule number of people who live in the New York area who did so.

I have to find a way to connect to other people or I'm going to simply continue to be alone, regardless of where I am - here, Maryland, LA or the south fucking pole, it won't matter. I need to make more friends.