A New World of Uncertainty
Surprisingly - and I don't know how much of this I have mentioned - recent events have left me uncertain about my own future, despite awakening me to a greater awareness of myself and what I had allowed myself to become in my complacency. I've been looking at different jobs in the city with companies ranging from Warner Bros and Sony to Scholastic and Penguin.
To be honest, right now, my interest is mostly in finding a way to enjoy the city life that I have so avoided (or ignored) for the past three years. To do this, I think it'd be nice to live in the city when the lease is up in September. And it would require me to make ... well, more money than I'm making now ... which is none. So my first priority right now is setting up some kind of solid ground for myself to stand on - or at least find a foothold in the really rocky, really high wall I'm trying to climb.
I have shifted gears on my film to suit my current resources; I'll be shooting in HD, doc-style, with a minimal budget and crew. Since I'm focusing on my writing and professional career, I don't feel compelled to hold off on the rest of my life while I struggle to put together this project.
As for everything else, well, life has certainly become much more interesting. I've been exposed to - and opened my ears to - new music (or old music that I actually listened to this time). I've read an old book that I didn't get into last time I tried to read it, this time unable to put it down. And I've been thinking about things with a very different, much more open mindset.
It's scary how different I feel. After many, many years of pretending I knew who I was, standing in a room and proclaiming, "This is me, and this is who I am," I realize that there were doors to parts of me I had never opened - or never had an interest in opening.
For anyone who has read Ishmael (and I recommend that you read it if you haven't), the thing I've realized about myself is that I have been enacting the Taker story of how Man came to be: There was me in elementary school, me in high school, then me at Towson. Then there was me at NYU, and I grew into what I thought was the perfect me. And I said, "This is it, I am who I am. And I am who I was supposed to become. I need not go any further, nor look any further, because there is nothing better than this." And I was wrong. I was really, really, unbelievably wrong. Because now I am something new, something better. And I'm pretty sure that I have more growing to do.
To be honest, right now, my interest is mostly in finding a way to enjoy the city life that I have so avoided (or ignored) for the past three years. To do this, I think it'd be nice to live in the city when the lease is up in September. And it would require me to make ... well, more money than I'm making now ... which is none. So my first priority right now is setting up some kind of solid ground for myself to stand on - or at least find a foothold in the really rocky, really high wall I'm trying to climb.
I have shifted gears on my film to suit my current resources; I'll be shooting in HD, doc-style, with a minimal budget and crew. Since I'm focusing on my writing and professional career, I don't feel compelled to hold off on the rest of my life while I struggle to put together this project.
As for everything else, well, life has certainly become much more interesting. I've been exposed to - and opened my ears to - new music (or old music that I actually listened to this time). I've read an old book that I didn't get into last time I tried to read it, this time unable to put it down. And I've been thinking about things with a very different, much more open mindset.
It's scary how different I feel. After many, many years of pretending I knew who I was, standing in a room and proclaiming, "This is me, and this is who I am," I realize that there were doors to parts of me I had never opened - or never had an interest in opening.
For anyone who has read Ishmael (and I recommend that you read it if you haven't), the thing I've realized about myself is that I have been enacting the Taker story of how Man came to be: There was me in elementary school, me in high school, then me at Towson. Then there was me at NYU, and I grew into what I thought was the perfect me. And I said, "This is it, I am who I am. And I am who I was supposed to become. I need not go any further, nor look any further, because there is nothing better than this." And I was wrong. I was really, really, unbelievably wrong. Because now I am something new, something better. And I'm pretty sure that I have more growing to do.
posted by Dave at 2:29:00 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home