I Just Don't Understand ...

Tonight is one of those nights where the writing is hard. I absolutely need to write something here, though, because I can feel it inside of me - all those emotions swelling up, building to a roar. I feel lost, anxious and alone ... and excited, carefree and content at the same time. I don't even know how that's possible.

I have a theory as to why it's so hard for me to talk about my emotions and my inner-most thoughts to other people: I think that my self-imposed isolation from other people throughout most of high school led me to more frequently evaluate myself privately, leaving me without the compulsion to talk to other people about those sorts of things. I spent a lot of time alone or avoiding people, then questioned why I wasn't surrounded by tons of friends.

It's really no surprise to me that I found comfort under the bright lights of the stage. It was there that I could turn a character and find the satisfaction of being surrounded by people who were watching me perform.

It's occurred to me as of late that I really miss acting. Not enough to try to pursue it again, but enough to make me recall that I really enjoyed playing a part in a bigger story.

I think the reason that I've spent so much time being unsatisfied with where I'm at in life is because, for a long time, I couldn't see where I fit into the story and that bothered me. Now, I see it as more of an improvisation - and that's something I'm pretty good at doing.

So now I'm improvising my way through this crazy performance and I'm just waiting for my big scene.