High and Low

I realize that all my posts for the past few days have been really optimistic (or should have been) and happy. But the truth of the matter is that for as much as my days seem brighter and happier, they most certainly have darker moments to them. Sad realizations and revelations quickly bring down my cheerful mood.

A few minutes ago, watching a video I made three years ago, I was struck by one such realization. That I have aged considerably in three years. I don't mean I have matured. Of course I have matured. But I mean, physically, I have aged a great deal. The person in the video had no grey hairs on his head. There were no creases in his forehead or bags around his eyes. And his eyes themselves had a fire in them.

It could be that the video was made in a goofy romantic way (which is something I miss) from a time when two hearts beat passionately for one another from hundreds of miles apart. Or it could be that he was just a really young soul, ambitious and naive in a good way - the way that all people should be in their hearts.

I went to the bathroom and did the same thing I have done many times in the past few weeks: I stared long and hard into the face of the man staring back at me. No longer that fiery-eyed boy, this person looked lonely and hurt. He looked tired and afraid. He looked old. He looked worn.

I stand on the brink of a personal evolution. And yet I am unable to continue forward. I'm waiting. And I'll wait as long as it takes for that which is necessary for me to take the next steps. Because I know I can't do it alone.

These darker moments are part of the greater struggle I face internally every waking moment (and often every dreaming one, too). It's difficult, but the light is winning. But it's difficult.