"I get it."

I asked a friend tonight about my dilemma. "Formulaic Family Drama" vs. "Unconventional and Controversial." I told him about the story from Amos' class. And I explained the elaborate set-up for my taboo film.

After I detailed the latter, he said, "I get it. [pause] Go with the family story."

I asked him if he had any particular reason in mind. He said, "Marketability."

I can't describe to you as I did to him the story or plot of the taboo film; there are millions of eligible Narabinians in the world and I'd imagine that I'd get a lot of nasty commentary should I describe the film without actually showing you the final product to give you context. However, every time I think of it, I am drawn back to the only scene that could possibly be construed as "controversial," and I feel the strength and power of the subtext of the scene compelling me to make the story a reality - make the film.

I want to make the film - but if I do, I'm afraid that people will look at me and see a different person.

I'd imagine any artist would say that we're all filled with strange and unusual, even disturbing, ideas. But none of them have ever said, "Sometimes you don't tell those stories."

I don't know whether or not I should tell this one.

So, New York is Fucked

About an hour and a half ago, the transit workers went on strike. The cab companies have already planned out how they can best gouge prices, whilst the Mayor's office has concluded that New York City will lose $400 million per day that the strike is in effect. Wow, and all this, RIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS!

Merry Fucking Christmas, to you too, pal!

At any rate, in the last class with Amos, we parred down the story from a concept film to an emotional story of a family coming together. Fuck that. That's no good. That does me no fucking good.

So I wrote something controversial. Very controversial. I can't even describe it, it would make you think I was either some kind of sick fuck or a gigantic pervert. But I feel that, when handled properly, it will garner the kind of attention I need to make future projects more than just possible, but in fact, inevitable. Nothing gets attention better than controversy, and I'd imagine this will get me lots of attention. Who knows, though?

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way Home Last Night

It's really the strangest thing. After class tonight, I realized something very profound. I am unbelievably qualified to do whatever I want in the film industry. Having sat through four years of good ideas, bad ideas, passionate people, obsessed posers, teachers who took out their frustrations with their failed film careers on students much more creative than themselves, and lectures by people who were so unbelievably overqualified that each breath that left their mouth carried the words of the Gods of Hollywood themselves, it occured to me that I've learned not just a good bit, but rather a whole hell of a lot.

Examining those who will graduate with me, I see the people who will work in sales or acquisitions at a mini-major; I see the people who will go home and teach English at their local high school; I see the people who will become indie producers and lead very fulfilling careers making low-budget features in New York City; I see the pretentious directors that will snort lines of coke in a nightclub bathroom while bitching about how no one "gets" their unique vision of the world. I see all of these things, but what I don't see are the people who truly comprehend the vastness of the world into which we all pine to enter, the elusive realm of "the industry."

But - and this isn't meant to sound egotistical - but ... I DO. I don't know any other student who has spent time in writing classes AND sound classes; directing classes AND cinematography classes; film history classes AND producing classes. Unlike most of my peers, I want to know it all. I want to grasp it all. I want to know HOW IT WORKS. I want to feel it's pulse and measure every beat of my chosen industry's heart. I didn't understand why I felt so confident about leaving school, but it's because I truly have been armed with the knowledge that will help me succeed.

I will succeed. My name will be emblazoned across the tops of one-sheets. My films will break records. The industry itself will collapse before I fail. And you can take that to the bank.

"Fasten Your Seatbelts ..."

I have two classes left, and I will finish my college career unceremoneously - celebrations might take place at some point: graduation is in May. I was pretty fucking sure that by the time I left school, I would be entirely competent, nay, well-fucking versed, in the craft of taking a germ of an idea and growing it into a mega-budget Hollywood blockbuster; I would be ready to lead a small (or large) team of trained professionals into the wilds of the Warner Bros backlot and film the greatest epic triple-trilogy of films ever, earning billions of dollars and creating a vast empire that overshadows the insignificant companies of my idols and predecessors, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg.




To this day, I still don't know where the fucking money comes from. Four years and a countless number of guest lecturers and industry-raised professors and I still haven't figured out how the hell one finances their first film out of college. I'm pretty sure that I was supposed to get a "NYU Film" power ring and a lantern that shat greenbacks into a production fund that would last for all eternity.

Instead, I will get a piece of paper over which I will have to fight to have my middle name changed from "R." to "Ryan." Maybe I'll get a handshake from someone and they'll whisper into my ear the secret of success in the industry: "Change your name to something with 'berg' at the end." Christ, four years out, $100,000+ in loans (Sallie Mae is gonna make me her bitch), and I haven't even directed a sync-sound short film.

I feel unaccomplished and undereducated for the task now at hand: making my way in the harsh, harsh film industry. But despite that, I have one thing going for me: I'm pretty fucking sure that I'm ready to take on what lies ahead.





If not, I'll just come back and teach a screenwriting class. That seems to be a safe haven for everyone else.

I Believe the Word You're Looking for Is "AGHHHHHHHHHH!"

Treachery! Deceipt! NYU Financial Aid has stabbed me in the back. I can't explain how, as I'm quite sure they're simply abiding by the law, but their policy of not allowing students to keep borrowed money for semesters that they aren't actually in school is going to cripple my plans to not get a job immediately after finishing school this coming week.

*sigh*

Oh well.

Young, Untested Filmmaker Seeking Wealthy Independent Financier to Produce Film

Are you filthy rich? Do you have more money than you know what to do with? No wife or children to drain your hard-earned (or perhaps not) money?

Excellent, you're just the man (or woman) I'm looking for.

I'm seeking an executive producer to front the money for independent productions of both short and feature-length narrative films. If you're willing to invest in my productions, please contact me ASAP.


...................................


I have a week left of school, then I am finished with college. I'll be a BFA-earned college graduate (pending successful completion of my two short films). And I'll be seeking a position in the work force.







Maybe I should consider graduate school.