Coulda Been, Shoulda Been

I think that every person, at some point in their life, will stop and wonder to theirself, "What could have been?" It's as I approach this major turning point in my life that I wonder, what could have been different about the past few years?

What if I hadn't taken the opportunity to use Towson's LGBT group trip to New York to visit a friend I'd only met once before for a few brief minutes? Would I have fallen in love with him anyway? And if I hadn't, would I have stuck out my plan to wait another semester and re-apply for transfer to USC instead of opting to go to NYU? Or would I have wound up at NYU anyway? And if I had wound up at NYU anyway, would I have run into him in a different way and fallen in love with him all the same?

Can one decision affect a person for years in a profound way that cannot be seen at the time? Or are things bound to happen regardless of what you do differently?

But more curiously, would you choose not to do something that makes you happy for a long time to avoid something that makes you painfully unhappy for any period of time?

Are three years of joy worth three minutes of sorrow?



Yes ... they are. Knowing three minutes of that kind of joy are worth three millennia of the pain of loss.

I think my previous few posts have had some people worried (despite my advising that they shouldn't be). For several people, I'm surprised they don't give me more credit, considering they have known me for either all of my life or simply the more adult years of it.

don't beat your head
dry your eyes,
let the love in there
there's bad times
but that's okay
just look for love in there

I've started packing things into boxes - books, DVDs, etc. This is unbelievably painful for me. I had hope that several months between when John and I broke up and when we actually parted ways might dull the hurt.

It hasn't.

I can't help crying, knowing that what I'm doing now is, more than anything, truly severing the last remaining bonds of the relationship we had before. I am unweaving the world that we've created for ourselves; I'm unraveling the tapestry of our life together to this point.

I can't imagine that I am the only person who has ever felt this kind of pain before, but I don't think that many people would understand how much this hurts. I would do anything, I think, to numb myself to what I'm feeling, but I have nothing that can help me. This is something that I am left to endure on my own.

I'm tired of kind words from people that reflect an inability to truly understand what I'm feeling. Yes, things will get better. Yes, in time this too shall pass. But it hurts right now.

I don't even want to try to be poetic about this. It doesn't feel like I'm losing a part of my soul or my heart ... it just fucking hurts. And I suppose what makes it worse is I still don't understand why I was the one worth leaving ...

Sitting around the house,
watching the sun trace shadows on the floor.
Searching for signs of life, but there's nobody home.

Bitching and Moaning

I find myself suppressing a strong desire to bitch and moan very loudly about a lot of things that have happened in the past few months or are about to happen in the coming days and weeks. A few weeks ago I posted that I didn't care what anybody thought while reading my posts, but the truth is that I care very much. I'm very cautious about what I say and where I say it, knowing full well that there are a lot of people who care enough about me to check in on me, here and in other places, from time to time.

I suppose I'm a little bitter about how things have worked out for me lately. While I have a job that pays pretty well and has health benefits, I'm a little concerned about how I was dealt with during the process of being brought on-board. While I'm great friends with JJ, I'm still upset that he left me for someone else and didn't even try to hold onto our relationship. While I'm looking at moving into apartments in great locations around the city, I'm scared of living alone and in a more confined space.


I feel very alone and I am more than a little scared. I'm frightened beyond belief. Many of my friends here, most of the people I know elsewhere, have some modicum of comfort in those who live with or near them. JJ is moving home to live with his family, and he'll have Dustin waiting when he gets there. Rob and Vanessa have each other. Marco and Tony, too. Kent has Laura. Angi lives with her mom. Dan lives with Bill and Eric. My family lives together. Everyone has someone nearby who can be with them almost on a whim, giving comfort and sharing their joys.

And I am all alone. I don't know if I can handle that.

I've always been pretty independent-minded. I've always sought ways to get what I want, to achieve what I set out to achieve. I help others; I have been, I hope, a strong pillar of support for numerous people in tough times. But there was only one person I wanted - I needed - to lean on when I, myself, became weary.

Since that isn't a viable option - and after next week won't really be an option at all - I am forced now to do what I have done in the distant past: look within for the strength I need to find my own way, to forge my own path through this wilderness.

I don't know what that will mean for me now. I only know that, in the past, finding strength from within meant using my negative emotions as a fuel to positive ends: writing things that have great meaning to me through my despair and loneliness; finding the energy to wake up and get through every day by riding out my waves of anger at the world, and frequently the people, around me; and making it through each night by telling myself that anyone else is a fool not to see how amazing I am and that I'm worth their love or attention.

I will enter the ugly cocoon as I always do when I come to these points in my life, and I will wait again for something to draw me out, finding again my own inner beauty and strong sense of self-worth (as opposed to simply a sense of self-importance).

Don't worry about me if my words begin to take on a somber tone; I have trod this terrain before. I know my way about these dark lands. I don't fear what is here - I fear leaving behind any part of the great things I have achieved thus far. I fear losing part of my better self as I press on through the night.

It is, I suppose, no great irony that these changes in my life are punctuated by the changing of the season from Summer to Fall; I've never liked the winter much, but it is appropriate that, as my world becomes gloomy and gray, so too do the skies.

The Day Comes Closer Quickly

I'm kind of surprised with John Mayer's new album. It's very bluesy and kind of mature. Sometimes he hits the nail on the head.

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe

Just Feel Better (Carlos Santana)

"Just Feel Better"
(feat. Steven Tyler)

She said I feel stranded
And I can't tell anymore
If I'm coming or I'm going
It's not how I planned it
I've got a key to the door
But it just won't open

And I know, I know, I know
Part of me says let it go
That life happens for a reason
I don't, I don't, I don't
Because it never worked before
But this time, this time

I'm gonna try anything to just feel better
Tell me what to do
You know I can't see through the haze around me
And I do anything to just feel better

And I can't find my way
Girl I need a change
And I do anything to just feel better
Any little thing that just feel better

She said I need you to hold me
I'm a little far from the shore
And I'm afraid of sinking
You're the only one who knows me
And who doesn't ignore
That my soul is weeping

I know, I know, I know
Part of me says let it go
Everything must have a season
Round and round it goes
And every day's the one before
But this time, this time

I'm gonna try anything that just feels better
Tell me what to do
You know I can't see through the haze around me
And I do anything to just feel better

I can't find my way
God I need a change
And I'd do anything to just feel better
Any little thing that just feel better

I'm tired of holding on
To all the things I ought to leave behind, yeah
It's really getting old, and
I think I need a little help this time!

Yeah

I'm gonna try anything to just feel better
Tell me what to do
You know I can't see through the haze around me
And I do anything to just feel better

And I can't find my way
God I need a change
And I do anything to just feel better
Any little thing that just feel better

Cold and Lonely Places

I've been searching for an apartment in Manhattan (and choice areas of Brooklyn) for about four or five weeks now, with no return contact from any of the posters I've e-mailed or called. This is not the worst part of this search for a new apartment.

The worst part is how much the pictures scare me. Every apartment looks cold and lonely. This is made that much worse by the fact that I've never lived alone. I'm a little worried, very scared, and unbelievably stressed out over all of this.

I don't want to live alone. I'm not even sure I can.

So this is a call to anyone I know who happens to read this even semi-routinely.

I need a roommate.

And A Vic Wooten Bonus

This is what we saw at Randall's Island.

Three Reasons Why I Love DMB

Redefining Irony

As I consider the term, I don't think I have a great deal of "friends." I have a handful. For the most part, I have family and acquaintances. There are a few people I hang out with occasionally, and they're my friends. The people I see every day, or with whom I am deeply emotionally connected, are included in my family. Everyone else is a stranger or just someone I know.

That said, typically, when I come home to MD there are a half dozen people I can speak to who want to do something with me while I'm here. And I tend to only visit for two days - Saturday and Sunday. So I don't get to see many people when I come down; it's a huge disappointment.

Well, as things go, it comes as no surprise to me that, upon taking a trip down here for - GASP! - a whole four days, I'm having trouble finding a single person to meet up with. Everyone is either out of town, working, or avoiding me in some other way. And I was actually excited to be coming home this weekend!

At the least, I occupied my time by driving - a lot! - and going to malls. I got some nice jeans from H&M, more slick briefs from Calvin Klein, and a kick ass t-shirt from Hot Topic (I'll take a pic of me wearing it ... you'll only get it if you read X-Men comics). And in my shoppings I found about ten more things I've made notes to go back and get - either now or the next time I'm down here (though with clothes I've found that if you don't buy it when you find it, you'll never see it ever again; as a corollary, if you happen to find the item in question later, it will be the last one and one size too big or too small).

My biggest issue with this trip, I suppose, is the fact that I have no travel companion, and nothing really to look forward to upon returning home. I have work awaiting me, and an apartment search and impending separation (divorce, really) looming on the not-to-distant horizon. On a brighter note, the new season of House MD starts on Tuesday. There's something to look forward to ....