Finally Forced to Make the Change

No, it's no major life shift, but it's new all the same: Blogger.

Yes, Blogspot has made me upgrade to the new Google-owned Blogger. I can't see much functionality difference, but there are some aesthetic changes made to the blog management pages.

Ignoring that minor detail, here's to the real point of this post: nostalgia. I've made it through February, which typically results in my leaving a job if I have one at the time (I did, so I left). March and April will typically see me on an emotional roller coaster that generally works this way:

I feel bad, so I play music I used to like or old games that used to be fun. They remind me of old friends or simpler times when the worst thing going on in my life was just acne or that AP US Government report I didn't do. This leads me to a realization that things will never be that easy again, and I that makes me sad. I could end this with the never-funny "lather, rinse, repeat" comment, but you know that's how it goes.

Feeling good makes me feel bad. How unbelievably fucked up is that?

But I say this because I found something today that didn't make me feel bad, but reminded me how simple it used to be to solve a problem. I just thought I'd share that common memory with you.

Nowadays, you don't have to worry about the jumble of pixels on your NES, but rather the red Ring of Death on your XBox360. There's no cartridge to blow on, and if you tried doing half the shit mentioned in that article, I think it would void your warranty. My how times have changed.

Results and Expectations

By now, word seems to have spread to people I hadn't wanted to tell just yet (i.e., my parents) that I have put in notice at work and have given them ample time to find a replacement for me (and ample time to find a replace job for myself!) It has struck quite a few people that I'm giving up something really good - a lot more money than I'd be making otherwise, a potentially great management position within the company down the road, and a steady source of income that fulfills certain fiscal responsibilities.

This is true; I'm leaving behind something special. But it's not the kind of special something to which I want to devote my life.

About 8 weeks ago, I saw a neurologist about a suspicion that I might have attention deficit disorder. After a bit of an incubation period, I've received his resultant report on his findings. Not a whole lot of the content surprised me, but I suppose having the details of my current life situation presented so objectively and ... well, "matter-of-fact"-ly leaves me reexamining what I've accomplished (or not) over the past half-decade that I've been out of high school.

Take, for example, his notation on my time in college:

"He got A's and Bs in college. He studied for 2 years at Towson State University, then transferred to NYU to complete a BFA in Film. The patient acheived well above average scores on standardized tests, such as SAT. He is seen as visually, spatially, and mechanically talented."

Makes me realize I actually did do very well as a student. However, with regard to my job, he notes:

"The patient currently has a job in Information Technology. He was confronted by his boss for not focusing on work related tasks recently. He has also been late repeatedly, up to one hour."

Even I can tell that the subject above should probably be fired from his job. But does any of this help me? Does his report fulfill my desire to know more about myself so that I can fix the things I think are wrong with me? The way I behave, the lack of impulse control?

Maybe. It depends. I strongly desire to find a way to work through the constant static in my mind. Every day presents a challenge - like an addict, I impulsively move toward the choices that make me feel good immediately, caring very little about the long-term effect of my decisions.

However, where I fear doing the most harm is in my personal relationships. I have a friend who has made a fantastic recommendation on my behalf to his bosses and the HR department at a very prestigious talent agency. What happens if I run my six months at that job and find I hate working there, too? Or if I still find myself arriving to work late, despite having a definitive and set-in-stone 9-to-5 schedule?

Or what happens if the person I love continues to feel like I'm incapable of showing the same care and attention to his problems instead of worrying about my own, as I always do? As much as I want to change everything that is unprofessional about my behavior or selfish about my attention span, I am, it feels at times, simply a creature of habit. I do what feels right at the time, for good or for bad. Is there a way to change that? How do I fight my gut instincts?

The saddest part, perhaps, is that I am pissing away my potential (possibly this is the best reason for me to leave my well-paid position in IT):

"He finds that he does not pursue his art in his spare time, as he could be producing attempts at screenplays given his talent and his education. Instead, in his spare time, he reads comic books."

That last sentence contained no other examples of how I *waste* my time. It seemed perfectly definitive. Almost as though the sentence itself should be taken as a punctuation of the first line.

I like reading comic books. I like playing games. I like watching movies. These things are my life - they are my own personal joys. In those moments that I don't have a friend to share my time with, or a love with whom to spend the evening, I have my joys.

The question that burns most in my mind is, "Why do we have to separate the things we do for fun and the things we do for a living?"

Why am I finding it so hard to bridge my passions and my duties - to myself and to the people co-signed to all the money I spent on my education? Can they not both co-exist in a single frame of time? Why can't I do what I *love* for a living?

The simplest answer is that I can, and, as the neurologist's report shows, I'm simply not trying hard enough.