Confuzzled

The producer responded via e-mail finally with a rather androgynous message. I can't distinguish any type of tone or attitude. It's also been a week ... I sense no desire on his part to attach himself to the project; no great love or affection for my story.

I will call him as he asked tomorrow to get a final feel. I am probably going to rescind my request for his assistance. I don't need half-assed dedication to my film. I'd rather fuck up on my own, giving it my all than do everything right and make a film that shows no care or concern from the people responsible for it.

My crew's strength will come from my dedication and committment.

It's All Me

I've tried student producers. I've tried professional producers. All to no avail. It's down to me. I don't get the free ride everyone else has gotten by putting the burden of the legwork on other people; I have to carry my own film from start to finish it seems. Fine, just means my name gets to be up there on the screen more and with less other names to confuse who actually did what. I did it all, it will remind people.

If I sound a little irritated and slightly anxious, it's because this is a fucked up scenario and I don't really want to produce my own project. But if no one cares about it besides me, then I suppose I have no other choice. But come hell or high water, this film will get made if I have to hold the goddamn camera with one hand and make finger puppet actors in front of it with the other.

Still Nothing

No word from him yet. I'm going to contact him tonight if I don't have an e-mail by six. If he is uninterested, I'm fine doing this myself.

Had some family come into town this weekend and we went to brunch and saw Blue Man Group yesterday. Before the show, though, we stopped into a Barnes & Noble and I found two very helpful books - New York 411 Production Resource and Ultimate Film Festival Survival Guide. I can't speak to how helpful the latter will be, though on a skim-through and first glance in the bookstore, it has many helpful suggestions that will be of great use to me upon completion of my film. The Production Resource, however will help immensely. It's a bible for New York area filmmakers. It has listings for location scouts, set designers, camera rentals, film stock retailers, union services, car rentals - everything one would need to shoot a film in New York. These new tools will assist me greatly if I'm forced to produce this film solo.

No Word

No word yet, which can be either good or bad. He either likes it and is re-reading it, or he didn't like it and is re-reading it. Since I cannot anticipate what his reaction will be aside from knowing that everyone else who has read it has liked it, I won't bother to say anything more on the subject until I have another communication with him.

First Contact

It's nice to make a Star Trek reference when applicable. So, I called the producer (Brian) today. We discussed his criteria for selecting non-professional (by professional, I am referring to paid industry work as opposed to the attitude of the crew) project to take up. In order, he said, "Story, Budget, and Cast."

I have no doubt that if he appreciates realistic and simultaneously sobering and uplifting stories about the human condition, he will find the story to be acceptable. The budget is appropriate for a student project, and if he has a problem with the budget being too low (producers LOVE big budgets - it shows they can handle a lot of money) then I think it's best that he not take up my project.

As for casting, I fully expected him to want to participate in the casting process, and he did, so there are no problems there. We talked and he's working on finishing a few projects now, so he'd want to get me through pre-production, but might not be available for line producing during the shoot. I was fine with that, as I fully expected to need someone to do that. Kent has already volunteered, which is great.

So now I will wait to see what his response is to my screenplay. If he likes it, I think we're in business; if he isn't too keen, then I'm no worse off than I am now. Things can truly only get better from here.

For now, I play the waiting game. And hope my writing is as good as I think it is.

How Carefully We Proceed

I have an idea of what I'm going to say to this person when I call him tomorrow. Unless I get a voicemail, at which time all my talking points will be useless and I'll stutter out a message that sounds like, "Hi ... I'm, um, Dave, you called me - Dave Richardson (it's important to remember that he might know lots of Daves and I should use my last name) - uh, returning your call from the other day. I was just, uh, wonder what you thought of my ... Oh, I didn't tell you about my film. Yeah, why don't you call me back - when you have free time - and we'll, um, I dunno, talk more. I guess. Yeah. My number is xxx-xxx-xxxx, but you already have that, so, um, I'll talk to you later."

How do I know that's how stupid I'll sound? I've used phones before and I've had to leave unexpected voicemails when I had anticipated speaking to someone. That's not as bad as trying to get a voicemail and winding up talking to the person, though. Much more awkward.

On Going It Alone

Well, with a lack of interest in my project by those whom are considered to be my peers, I'm obviously distressed at the state of my progress in this endeavor. My lack of complete practical experience at producing films (I've been a co-producer and have never had to bear the full burden in the role) has left me with a bit of a handicap in furthering my own film.

I find that I'm groping in the dark in some areas (rentals and location scouting), and am fully confident in others (casting, crew organization and insurance matters). One would think that it would be easier to do the former as they're pretty mechanical duties - finding equipment rental houses, getting pricing information, preparing a list of equipment and negotiating a cost. But the problem is that I have never interacted with any of these businesses before. I'm aware that there is a type of professional etiquette in making these inquiries and negotiations, but I fear not adhering to them due to my ignorance of said protocol.

And I'm fully aware that in matters where I do not fully grasp the way things are generally done I come across as timid. This is obviously a misconception of my confidence as what is really occuring is I'm observing other people. Here, however, I have no one to observe and must shed my silent observer stance in place of more active participation in the process. That doesn't mean, however, that it will be any easier because I know about this particular limitation upon my abilities.

......

Interruption:

As I write this post, I have just received a voicemail from earlier today with a call from a producer I contacted via Mandy.com. He has an impressive resume, including professional work. I am unsure how to proceed. I need to call him back, but I don't want to come across as desperate and yet I am desperate. Fuck.

Complacency vs. Reluctance

Complacency, it can be so vicious ...
- David Gray, New Horizons

Complacency is a bitch. I've been watching this show a lot lately, I won't say which one, but it instills in me a great fear about my future. Fear that I won't get to do what I want to do. Imagine knowing that there are hundreds of variations on becoming a director or a writer, but knowing that what that really means is that there is one unique path for every single director working "out there." ("Out There" in this context is a generalization of the film/television industry as a whole, not the typical use referring to Hollywood/LA)

There will be one path for me and it's hidden somewhere in a foggy maze of uncertainty. Around one corner lurks Fear; around another, Indifference. I must avoid Complacency, Reluctance, and Self-Doubt or I will face dead end after dead end.

I don't even know if I want to post this. I probably sound like a gibbering fool, babbling about the same stupid things that every graduating (or recently graduated) student worries about. But, as with every student of the world, my fears are unique enough to me that I will have them anyway. I can sit here in my living room and stare at Manhattan, thinking of it a singular object - a city. But when I fathom that there are hundreds of places I could work, in thousands of positions I would hate, something within me cries out - a frightened scream, coming from a frightened soul, begging for a guiding light to illuminate my path.

Help me! it cries out I don't want to do this alone!

But, regardless of the optimistic assurances that others may provide, another voice, even deeper down than the first, speaks. It rumbles in a low, objective tone.

You are alone. No one can lead you from here. You must find your own way.

And I know this to be the truth. My family is hundreds of miles away. The doors to my educational institution lead me to cold hallways filled with people in isolation - not knowing what lies ahead of them. I stand in all places, alone, and wishing someone could show me the way.

There have been few things I have ever wanted to do. I don't refer to my desire to fulfill these wants as "dreams." I do not dream of being something. At my very core, I know what I am. The question is, will I ever find a place in the world for me, as the person I know I am?

I am a storyteller. How do I get people to listen?

These short films I have to make are not simply projects or grades. They are stories. My stories. They are me; I am them. I will get people to listen by going out and boldly proclaiming that I have a story to tell, and others must come listen.

Tonight, my complacency dissolves into a confirmation - I am no longer willing to sit and watch this world pass by, looking for my place; I know what I am, and I will roam the world in search of the place into which I fit. If I cannot find that place, I will make it.

Since I started writing here, I may have asserted my willfulness several times already. This may be no different. However, I see no clear alternative, save more complacency and talk of things I am actively working to progress.

My fears will not dictate what I can and cannot do. My passions alone cannot lead me to success. To contain my fears and focus my passions, I must be strong, and bold and willful. Otherwise, I'm not telling stories; I'm simply lying to myself.