Cause It's Not A Card I Can Actually Send

LOL ... obviously, this is a card I cannot send. Funny, nonetheless.

Even the Best Fall Down Sometimes

Some days the words just don't come to me. It's painful to feel such a disconnect from language. If I push it, I can write something, but it's extremely difficult. To describe it best, I'd say that whenever I'm filled with an emotion - particularly a negative emotion - it's hard for me to find a way to communicate with other people.

Yesterday was a good birthday, I guess. I didn't really do anything. A few people sent me messages on Facebook; some sent me text messages; a person or two called me. I got cards from my parents and grandparents. I had dinner with William. And I saw Live Free or Die Hard.

And at the end of it all, I'm only one year older and no closer to figuring out what the fuck I want out of life. I'm conflicted by my desire to flee to Maryland and alleviate my financial burdens, and to stay and fight the long, hard battle to be independent here in New York. To embrace the familiar or to adventure off into the unknown.

To be honest, the biggest disappointment from yesterday was comparing the large number of people who live nowhere near me who sent me birthday wishes to the minuscule number of people who live in the New York area who did so.

I have to find a way to connect to other people or I'm going to simply continue to be alone, regardless of where I am - here, Maryland, LA or the south fucking pole, it won't matter. I need to make more friends.

World View

You scored as Existentialist, Existentialism emphasizes human capability. There is no greater power interfering with life and thus it is up to us to make things happen. Sometimes considered a negative and depressing world view, your optimism towards human accomplishment is immense. Mankind is condemned to be free and must accept the responsibility. Existentialist 100% Materialist 94% Modernist 88% Idealist 75% Romanticist 69% Postmodernist 63% Cultural Creative 50% Fundamentalist 44% What is Your World View? created with QuizFarm.com

LOLZ!

Like Fucking Clockwork.

So it's just something I noticed but William has already updated his MySpace profile to show as "Single." I'm kinda weirded out by the lack of another "Status" option ... there should be a "Just Ended Relationship" option so you don't look like you're just turning and burning a used copy of a video game or something. I mean ... it's so cold and sterile.

Yesterday you were in a relationship with someone and today you're not. There should be a color scheme to it as well that progressively shows just HOW single you really are. Like, today I'm light blue single. In two weeks, I'll be moderately blue single. If I'm not dating someone in two months, I'll be deep Navy blue single.

I think that's a much better way of handling that, don't you? I don't know. So weird. I just dislike the feeling that comes with noticing things that make me aware of being single again. To be honest, being single is not the ideal for me. I'd rather be in a shitty relationship than be single. When I'm single, I feel like my gaydar is always on and constantly searching for a potential suitor. It's energy-draining.

Like Fucking Clockwork.

So it's just something I noticed but William has already updated his MySpace profile to show as "Single." I'm kinda weirded out by the lack of another "Status" option ... there should be a "Just Ended Relationship" option so you don't look like you're just turning and burning a used copy of a video game or something. I mean ... it's so cold and sterile.

Yesterday you were in a relationship with someone and today you're not. There should be a color scheme to it as well that progressively shows just HOW single you really are. Like, today I'm light blue single. In two weeks, I'll be moderately blue single. If I'm not dating someone in two months, I'll be deep Navy blue single.

I think that's a much better way of handling that, don't you? I don't know. So weird. I just dislike the feeling that comes with noticing things that make me aware of being single again. To be honest, being single is not the ideal for me. I'd rather be in a shitty relationship than be single. When I'm single, I feel like my gaydar is always on and constantly searching for a potential suitor. It's energy-draining.

A Great End to the Evening

Alright, here's the deal: I don't want any uplifting commentary or nurturing, supportive comments about life, nor do I want any mistakenly assumed angry "he's a prick" support, either. I'm only writing this entry because I need to talk, but don't want to pick up the phone and talk to an actual person.

William ended things (again) tonight. He had his reasons. I won't recount them, nor will I give an explanation for the underlying problems and such. That's not what I want to talk about.

To be honest, in a very selfish fashion, I want to talk about me and my problems.

Tonight simply reinforced a big problem I've confronted with myself as of late: I have issues connecting to other people emotionally. I know what people think and feel and can read people very easily and with great accuracy. However, I can't find a way to convey my own emotional state to them. As I explained to William earlier, when someone asks me "What's wrong," I spend the next several minutes silently running through a dialogue in my head. I don't know how to take my own emotions and translate them into a logical and understandable language that I can use to help other people connect with me.

This hit me really hard earlier tonight when I was confronted with an odd conversation. A co-worker told me of a young server's unexpected death last fall. He had mentioned that he went to the friend's funeral. It occurred to me that I knew of all the people who would come to my funeral at home in Maryland, but I really had no idea of who would come to my funeral from New York. I have made so few friends, particularly in the workplace, that my social life sadly revolves around frequently being the "plus 1" in the equation.

I am the guy that everyone likes, but no one thinks to have a drink with after work.

That upsets me a little. What upsets me more is that I know full well I'd be uncomfortable in that situation anyway.

When people explain why they're breaking up with you, it can be angering. What's frustrating for me is that I understand exactly what William was talking about when he was going over the reasoning. It was one thing - the emotional disconnect.

For me, that emotional disconnect is a way of life. I know what to say to make people laugh or smile, but I can't go much further than that. With William, it was no different. I could make him laugh and smile and do a lot of other things, but beyond all the superficiality, my own inability to connect with people kept me from forming my portion of the emotional bond.

I denote with the bold letters a very important point. I refer only to my portion because I cannot speak to his. There is no "who is to blame" in this situation. Reasons and causes are as superficial as reactions; we get what we want out of life and love. We make things work if we're capable of believing that they can work - even in the times when they aren't.

I am, and have always been, a crazy dreamer. I believe that anything is possible, which is why I never say never. The emotional disconnect I'm feeling is something I've been aware of for many years now. But I know it hasn't always been there. I have people with whom I am very well connected emotionally. I believe I can work through it, but I desire the support of someone who is willing to put up with that connection not always being there in the mean time. Nothing significant changes in this world until someone steps up and makes an equally significant sacrifice to start that change.

The only problem is that it would be unfair to ask that of a person outright; it's something they simply have to be willing to give.

Take A Sad Song And Make It Better

I've found that I've lately been thinking more and more about how life was a lot easier when I was 16. Once you get a car, you attain a freedom that is unmatched at any point in your life. Aside from winning the lottery, there's nothing that matches the feeling of not having any restrictions on where you can go or what you can do - despite any "restrictions" your parents or the law might place upon you.

When I got my license 8 years ago, I had a fantastic Ford Taurus that I enjoyed thoroughly for the 7 months of its life that it was under my care. Despite the fact that I wouldn't call it a pristine condition purchase, I'll admit fully that my "care" may have hastened its demise by a few months. However, that doesn't change the fact that, while I had the car and it worked, it was my dream vessel - the Black Pearl to my Jack Sparrow. It was certainly a symbol of my newfound freedom.

I am very thankful that I spent a portion of what I'd consider my independent "adult" life in the pre-9/11 world. Kids growing up nowadays may never understand what it was like to not think EVERY SINGLE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING DAY about imminent demise and the impending threat of terrorism. Before 9/11's resultant wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, the last quagmire of a war was embedded in the history books as the incredible mistake in Vietnam.

Life at 16 was fucking grand!

I suppose the issue I'm encountering right now is a struggle with a feeling of helplessness that comes with living in New York. The whole of my apartment here is roughly the size of the upstairs floor of my house in Maryland. I have no car, and, to me, that equates to a maddening lack of freedom. The cost of living here is so high that I live from shift-to-shift (worse than living paycheck to paycheck). And the unfriendly attitude of this city - selfish and self-indulgent - makes me want to scream sometimes.

There's very little in the way of good things to keep me here, but what good there is means so much to me that I can look past the pitfalls of being young and poor in New York.

This can be an incredible city - and some come here to find a freedom that tall buildings and lots of people can project into their minds. But it can also be soul crushing sometimes. I guess I'm just having a bad week.

And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain,
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders.
For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder.