Frustration and Aggravation
Breathing deeply, counting down from whatever, stopping to identify what I'm thinking and how it's making me feel. All shit. None of it is working.
I'm angry and frustrated, depressed, tired ... fuck it. I'm everything I hate being - all at the same fucking time.
I have a house guest staying with me who I realize now is just making me miserable. His very presence - or rather more often his lack of presence - has a fiery, nearly irrepressible rage building in me. Defying all practices of common decency that one extends a gracious host - someone who has given up a portion of their own already meager living space - this person flaunts how little they give a shit about me by coming home and crawling into bed whenever they damn well please without letting me know they'll be out late, by spending an entire weekend elsewhere without telling me they weren't going to be around, and by generally making me feel like I can't do the things I'm comfortable doing in my own home.
They pout when they're bored because I'm using my TV or game consoles to entertain myself. They take up way too much space in the bed. They have shown little regard for the arrangement of items on my desk (as messy as it is, it's by no means disorganized - I know where everything is!).
Basically, they're treating my home like an extended stay hotel and it's pissing me off.
Beyond that, I realize that I'm feeling something more upsetting due to my current living situation. It's a feeling that resembles one all too familiar to me in my personal life. I'm feeling abandoned by someone I care about. I'm feeling left behind. I'm feeling replaceable ... and replaced.
This feeling sucks more than any other. It's the feeling I hate most in the world. And it's something I feel every minute of every day. It never leaves me, it never goes away. It never diminishes or lets up. It is a constant burden.
For all my generosity and love, kindness and affection, I'm repaid with nothing but the hurt of being ignored and forgotten.
No one should have to feel this way.
I'm angry and frustrated, depressed, tired ... fuck it. I'm everything I hate being - all at the same fucking time.
I have a house guest staying with me who I realize now is just making me miserable. His very presence - or rather more often his lack of presence - has a fiery, nearly irrepressible rage building in me. Defying all practices of common decency that one extends a gracious host - someone who has given up a portion of their own already meager living space - this person flaunts how little they give a shit about me by coming home and crawling into bed whenever they damn well please without letting me know they'll be out late, by spending an entire weekend elsewhere without telling me they weren't going to be around, and by generally making me feel like I can't do the things I'm comfortable doing in my own home.
They pout when they're bored because I'm using my TV or game consoles to entertain myself. They take up way too much space in the bed. They have shown little regard for the arrangement of items on my desk (as messy as it is, it's by no means disorganized - I know where everything is!).
Basically, they're treating my home like an extended stay hotel and it's pissing me off.
Beyond that, I realize that I'm feeling something more upsetting due to my current living situation. It's a feeling that resembles one all too familiar to me in my personal life. I'm feeling abandoned by someone I care about. I'm feeling left behind. I'm feeling replaceable ... and replaced.
This feeling sucks more than any other. It's the feeling I hate most in the world. And it's something I feel every minute of every day. It never leaves me, it never goes away. It never diminishes or lets up. It is a constant burden.
For all my generosity and love, kindness and affection, I'm repaid with nothing but the hurt of being ignored and forgotten.
No one should have to feel this way.
posted by Dave at 12:56:00 AM
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