Good Ideas

You know, I don't recall who it was who said it - I'm certain it was either George Lucas or William Goldman (and hopefully it was the latter) - but someone once said of their thought process, and I'm paraphrasing here: "I get ideas and I tuck them away. And if the idea comes up again a year later, and it seems like a good idea still, it probably is, and I pursue it."

They were, of course, referring to fiction writing for film. But that seems to me to be an ideal way of approaching pretty much anything in life. Which is why I'm moderately concerned at my rekindled interest in pursuing graduate studies in the area of law; I can't seem to find a good reason NOT to go back to school.

With film school having been a unique and yet rather unfulfilling experience, I feel compelled to move on to something else that's interested me for years. Now, I know what you're saying: "Well, if you feel like your time was wasted at film school, why would you pay more money to go back to school without being certain it's what you want to do?"

Well, to that, I say: one, I never said my time was wasted at film school. I went to a prestigious private university and earned a BFA with honors. Ideally, that sets me up quite well for graduate studies. Two, ignoring the notion of paying money, as I'm already doing that for my first degree and would HAVE to do it again for a second, I'll skip straight to addressing my level of certainty regarding the study of law.

When I think of the things about which I might also say, "Hey, I want to go study this," - like botany, culinary arts, architecture, medicine or geothermal studies - I realize that there are so very few. By comparison to the many, MANY things I would NOT want to study - like botany, culinary arts, architecture, medicine or geothermal studies - there are only a handful that pique my interest enough to warrant investigating my options (say, through Princeton Review and discussions with other people who are currently pursuing those fields of study).

Off-hand, I can name only two (now that I've attained a degree in film production): politics and law.

Now, I have seen my fair share of people who spend four years in college and leave no better off than they were before, except in that they have a degree in hand at the end of their time at Generic American University. How many people go to school for a specific field, then choose another highly specific field afterwards to study as a follow-up? While I cannot attest to the numbers in that regard, I'd wager highly that anyone counted into that group is highly motivated and interested in their professional success.

I have a BFA (with honors) and I wait tables. It is good, honest work. But it's not enough.

And I could get a job with that degree. I could get a good job, even. But it's not enough.

I need to do more. I'm not content with what I'm doing and where I am. It's not enough.

Pursuing a degree in law wouldn't even constitute giving up on my desire to be creative; in all likeliness it would further enhance my focus on artistic endeavors, as a successful lawyer is as much a dramatic performer playing to an audience as he is a driven wordsmith, crafting sentences to sway the arbiters of men's fate to their side.

I want more for myself, and I intend to get it.

A friend of mine said to me recently, "Don't let your time in New York be your only experience away from here ..."

I hadn't intended to before he said that, and I mean to even less now that he so perfectly stated the one reason I really want to go back to school: because it's not even about where you are, but rather what you're doing. The time I spent at NYU shouldn't be the only time I spend investing in my future. If it left me feeling unfulfilled then it probably was unfulfilling.

Our perception is our reality, and I perceive that I have a ways to go yet before I'm done with my education.

Abou ben Adam

Abou ben Adam

Abou ben Adam (may his tribe increase!)
awoke one night from a deep dream of peace,
And saw, within the moonlight of his room,
Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom,
an angel, writing in a book of of gold.
Exceeding peace had made Ben Adam bold,
And to the Prescence in the room he said:
"What writest thou?" The vision raised its head,
And, with a look made of all sweet accord,
Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord."
"And is mine one?"said Abou, "Nay, not so,"
Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low,
But cheerily still, and said, "I pray thee, then,
Write me as one who loves his fellow men."
The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night
It came again, with a great awakening light,
And showed the names whom love of God had blest,
And lo! Ben adam's name led all the rest.

- Leigh Hunt

There's a Madness to My Method

It occurs to me that the people who visit this site, my blog, are afforded a modicum of anonymity. They can come and go as they please without really being identified. I have a good idea of who my returning customers are, and generally know the frequency with which they check my site (hi Dad, Dan and Angi!)(and also Marco and/or Tony!).

I, however, am not afforded the luxury of being able to simply say something and be heard without obvious repercussions coming from certain members of my audience. I can't critique things my family does that annoys me without either being told they're disappointed that I would publicly ridicule them for annoying things they may do (it's not that they do it, it's that I point it out) and I can't bitch and moan without being told that I'm being whiny by my truest of friends.

I do want to point out, once more, that this blog was never intended to be a place for me to communicate with people I actually talk to, but rather was meant to be a place for me to leave ideas to be heard without actually having to hold a discussion. I find that, regardless of where I go to write on these Interwebs, I have friends and family that always find me.

That is why I continue to write here. Because I've done it for four years now, and there's no point in stopping.

That said, I feel compelled to preface what I'm about to write with a very emphatic and confident message meant to assuage any concerns people might have about my state of mental health and well-being:

I am very comfortable where I am right now. I am very happy with my life as it is, and as it may be. I do not regret where I've been, or what I've done, and I certainly don't regret mistakes I have yet to make. I enjoy many things in my life, from driving a car to playing games with friends to sitting here tonight drinking this bottle of pinot noir all by myself. Though I sometimes feel lonely, I know I have friends (all across the world, in fact) and I am well-loved. I hope everyone is pretty comfortable with those assurances, because they are all true.

Now I can get to what I wanted to talk about: suicide.

As I've been driving lately, certain things (music in particular) have led me to what I believe is finally understanding why people commit suicide. I think I finally get the crazy logic behind why a person takes their own life. And when you finally match up all the edges to the puzzle and the picture is exposed, it doesn't really seem so crazy after all.

To me, the understanding came when I realized that I don't like being helpless or made to feel as such. Killing one's self is a very powerful way of establishing control over life - at least your own. In the end, when I've done all I feel I can do and contributed my fair share to this world, I have the feeling that killing myself might be a viable option. I sure as shit don't wanna wind up like my grandfather - lost inside my head, unable to communicate with people I may not even remember, body withered and failing. To me, there is no point to continuing on if I can't follow Heroes from week-to-week (if I can't remember what happened last week, I might also forget to watch the show the following week ... if I ever get to that point, someone needs to shoot me if I forget).

I don't find suicide to be selfish. I don't think it's immoral. I also don't think attempting it in a way that doesn't disturb the public should be illegal. But I think it's wasteful if you aren't damned sure that you have nothing left to offer the world.

And to those of you who may read this and think that's a green light to hang yourself, I urge you first to contact me as I may be able to find a pretty good reason for you to go on living. Because, honestly, if you're mobile, capable of recalling the day of the week and your full name, and have even the slightest iota of learning potential, you're still a valuable and potentially productive member of society - put down the bottle of pills, step off the ledge and gimme the gun.

Otherwise, I'll see you in Hell. ;-)

Don't Know How To ...

I can't really explain it
It's like
You know when
Ugh!
It's just
Remember how
Oh, wait ...
Um
It's a lot like
There's just this
It feels like
I can't really
I dunno
It's hard to describe
I just
I can't really

I don't know how to say what I'm feeling sometimes.