Growing Up

As the winter begins to kick into full swing, my seasonal affective disorder also gears up to wring my emotional being of every possible drop. At least, I think it's seasonal affective disorder. I only get depressed in the winter. I suppose I should go to the counseling center. That would be the smart thing to do, I guess - you know, actually be diagnosed as "seasonally fucked up." I really dislike seeing so many people when I come home - Angi, Dan, Bill, my family ... my dog!!! I never really have a problem leaving here to go back to New York, but that certainly doesn't mean I don't miss any of what I leave behind.

It's amazing how, as you go through life, your expectations shift immensely, and the things you wished for when you were younger are revealed as near impossibilities: you could never have lived here and just become a bank teller; you could never have stayed friends with certain people whom you thought were your best friends; you could never have settled down with the same person you first dated in high school. At intervals in life, new doors open up to entirely new levels of social involvement. You pass through and suddenly, you are in a completely different world - one where sometimes, unfortunately, the people you were friends with before must leave you. As your worldly circles grow, you change - even if you don't realize that you have changed. And I suppose that continues to happen until you decide you've found the place that you want to stay - the circle in which you are the happiest.

I just want to know when I'm going to get to my happy circle and who's going to be there with me. There are people I want to have at my side, and the uncertainty of life makes the likeliness that they will be there uncertain as well. Who will be by my side in my latter days?

Oft I sing for my friends
When Death's cold hand I see
When I reach my journey's end
Who will sing one song for me?

I wonder who will sing for me
When I'm called to cross that silent sea
Who will sing for me?

When friends shall gather round
And look down on me
Will they turn and walk away
Or will they sing one song for me?

I wonder who will sing for me
When I'm called to cross that silent sea
Who will sing for me?

So I'll sing 'til the end
Contented I will be
Assured that some friend
Will sing one song for me

I wonder who will sing for me
When I'm called to cross that silent sea
Who will sing for me?

Christmas and Family

Christmas and Family. Well, that takes care of that.



...


Just kidding, of course. I'm in Maryland and having a hell of a time. Well, not really. I'm bored off my ass, but I've been trying to keep busy. Santa treated me very nicely this year, dropping off some wonderful gifts like a XBox, the first three seasons of West Wing, the first four of Futurama, the first two of Seinfeld and the fourth of the Simpsons. My viewing and gaming time will be thoroughly consumed upon returning to New Jersey.

I just hope I can make time to do some writing and producing. I've got tons of shit to do and now a whole lot of things to sidetrack me from my real work. Fable looks particularly fun. I'm not sure whether my character will wind up good or bad, but so far he's been doing very good deeds, so that seems to be the direction he's headed. Star Wars Battlefront will be fun to play online. As soon as I have money, I'm gonna sign up for XBox Live!

So of course, that means I can't wait for Chilis to open. There's money to be made, dammit! Be nice if they'd hurry up. They've already delayed the opening three times - at least. So I have two more days here in Maryland. Then I'm home and going to do some hardcore gaming and writing.

If I don't post again before the New Year, I wish y'all a happy, happy New Year! Be safe, have fun.

Enneagram

And again, as usual, I have tested as an ISTJ.

ISTJ - "Trustee". Decisiveness in practical affairs. Guardian of time- honored institutions. Dependable. 11.6% of total population.

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Not surprising at all. I've tested as an i-Tj for the past 8 or 9 years, ever since I started taking these tests. About two years ago, I shifted from iNTj to iSTj, and have tested as such consistently since then.

Other Results from the Test:

Main type	Variant

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Enneagram Test Results Type 1 Perfectionism 66% Type 2 Helpfulness 70% Type 3 Image Awareness 90% Type 4 Sensitivity 56% Type 5 Detachment 80% Type 6 Anxiety 56% Type 7 Adventurousness 40% Type 8 Aggressiveness 83% Type 9 Calmness 53% Your main type is 3 Your variant is sexual

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The Achiever (the Three)
Achivers are energetic, optimistic, self-assured, and goal oriented.

How to Get Along with Me:
Leave me alone when I am doing my work.
Give me honest, but not unduly critical or judgmental, feedback.
Help me keep my environment harmonious and peaceful.
Don't burden me with negative emotions.
Tell me you like being around me.
Tell me when you're proud of me or my accomplishments.

What I Like About Being a Three:
being optimistic, friendly, and upbeat
providing well for my family
being able to recover quickly from setbacks and to charge ahead to the next challenge
staying informed, knowing what's going on
being competent and able to get things to work efficiently
being able to motivate people

What's Hard About Being a Three:
having to put up with inefficiency and incompetence
the fear on not being -- or of not being seen as -- successful
comparing myself to people who do things better
struggling to hang on to my success
putting on facades in order to impress people
always being "on." It's exhausting.

Threes as Children Often:
work hard to receive appreciation for their accomplishments
are well liked by other children and by adults
are among the most capable and responsible children in their class or school
are active in school government and clubs or are quietly busy working on their own projects

Threes as Parents:
are consistent, dependable, and loyal
struggle between wanting to spend time with their children and wanting to get more work done
expect their children to be responsible and organized

Anger

Twice in the past five minutes I've wanted to post something, but stopped because I don't want to have half the world be able to read what I have to say. I started this blog as a means of keeping a journal - typing into some type of preformatted diary was the only way I would be able to keep my innermost thoughts and feelings from disappearing completely five minutes after I had them. But now, I don't know how much I want to say and how much I want to keep to myself.

Earlier I found a single IM in my Away Messages. It was from someone I consider a friend. It told me to "stop writing dragonstaff please." The Quest for the Dragonstaff is a screenplay I'm currently working on. Apparently, this friend [#1] had obtained a copy that I had sent to another friend [#2]. So far, I have only completed the first 20 pages of the script, and I had hoped Friend #2 would give me some feedback. He hasn't, yet he showed Friend #1 the screenplay. Friend #1 apparently thinks it bad enough to request that I stop writing it altogether. I don't know what Friend #2 thinks yet, nor why he chose to show it to Friend #1.

What has me truly upset is that all three of us are artists. We are in the business - no, the career, rather, of creating. And one of my friends, one of a small group of people whose opinions I trust, has asked me to stop creating. I find that more than just offensive - I find that disgraceful. How can someone who has devoted himself to the process of giving life to ideas ask someone else to stop giving life - he asked me to have an abortion of this idea, essentially. Friend #1 is one of four people I invited to my holiday party - Friend #2 is among those four. He is still among a group of people I consider part of my extended family, but I no longer respect his opinion.

I have not once told someone they shouldn't finish writing something they enjoy working on. Despite how cliche and stupid many of their concepts are; despite the many rehashings of stupid themes; despite the bland dialogue; despite the sophomoric humor infused in every one of a certain someone's stories, I have NOT ONCE told them to stop writing what makes them happy.

And I never will.

Our Tree

We finished putting up the Christmas Tree. It looks really nice, see:



Then there's JJ, attired for the holidays:

Trees

We bought our first Christmas tree! We spent about 45 minutes standing in front of a pitiful selection of about seven trees before we finally decided to select one of the two trees that wasn't pre-lit. It's a 7' tree, so it's got good height, and though the tip count is lower than the pre-lit trees, I think JJ and I can make it look really good. I'll put some pics up when I get a chance ...

Of course, I probably won't have a chance for several days. Kent's shoot is this weekend and I get to wake up at 4AM for three days straight to come into the city and drive a 15-person van out to Old Westbury in Long Island for the shooting of "Captain Valedor." While I'm not to keen on the idea of getting up so damned early, I'm pretty excited to be involved as the producer for the project.

And speaking of 4AM, I had better go to bed so I can get the minimum of four hours of sleep. Au revoir!