Sitting In a Room Yelling "Fuck!"

I can't figure out how to write this screenplay. I've done three drafts already, based on a short story I wrote two years ago. I made a new opening and restructured the entire thing back in January. None of the writing I've done so far has felt natural. It's all ... shit. Shit is the right word. My writing on this project has been shitty shitty shitty.

In other news, I washed my pillows, then put them in the dryer. Now they're semi-deformed. I have to refluff them.

Scripts, Midterms, Shoots and Ladders

So I have a whole crapload of stuff due in the next week and a half - the first ten pages of a feature, the first/second draft(s) of my advanced script, shooting a scene for Dir. the Camera this Thursday and a midterm paper on Stanley Kubrick next Thursday. Some might say that's a lot of work. I say I can do it ... just whenever I get around to it.

That's the spirit, eh?

For Those Who Feel Alone

I know how hard it is when you spend a lot of time feeling alone. It's depressing and it's painful. And I know that there are tons of people out there who feel that way every day. And so, to those people, I have this to say:

Just the other night
I thought I heard you cry
Asking me to come
And hold you in my arms
I can hear your prayers
Your burdens I will bear
But first I need your hand
Then forever can begin

Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Something whispers in my ear and says
That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
For you are not alone

- Michael Jackson, You Are Not Alone

2 Years

John and I celebrated our two year anniversary two weeks ago. I didn't think to mention it on here because I was in the midst of taking care of several other things. Since our anniversary fell on a Wednesday, we didn't do much celebrating, but we're going out tomorrow night for Valentine's Day instead.

If you think about it, two years is a pretty long time in terms of a relationship. Many relationships don't last past the first year. George W. and Laura had only been together for three months before they were married. Yet, John and I have been together for two years, and at the current time, it's only legal for us to get married in one state.

I think that's one of the reasons that the ruling from the New York courts made me so happy: John and I might be able to marry in the semi-near future - though we don't have any plans, yet. So don't jump to conclusions and think I'm implying that either of us has popped the question or anything. I'm just saying that it's an encouraging thought, especially considering how far we've come together. And that's also considering the bleak outlook everyone else had for us when we started dating from four states apart.

- - - - - - - -

I talked to Bill last week and told him about Chilis. He suggested that I just keep calling Chilis back until there's a position open and I'm hired. It's a solid plan, especially considering that the alternative is to try to find a job in a retail outlet in the mall. Considering my feelings about working retail again, I'll opt to bug the shit out of Chilis first.

- - - - - - - -

My writing has slowed down considerably in the past two weeks. It would be nice if I could feel motivated again to put words to paper. It seems that every time I go to sit down and write, I spend three hours staring at the screen without a single good idea running through my head. It may have a lot to do with the weather and the season. Winter is never a good time for me, and being as bleak as it is, my thoughts seem to run in parallel to my surroundings. I'll probably go stare at the screen in a little while, but I'd like to get a good night's rest tonight. My sleep has been restless lately, though I don't know why. Hopefully that will change soon.

Late-Night Write

Well, following a pattern of all my good writing coming to me around 2 o'clock in the morning, tonight I sit here in the living room writing as though I had never had any problems doing so before now. It's like my brain is flipping me off whilst simultaneously putting to paper some of the better writing I've done since school restarted. If this is how writing is going to be for me for the rest of my life, I suppose I'll have to find a way to make this schedule work for the same duration of time.

So, Looking at the Tracker

I periodically take a look at the tracking statistics for this site, and I've discovered that I get visited by people from all around the world. Apparently, this site has been seen by people in Mexico, the UK, Australia, and Brazil - and that's only as of late. The site visits for the past few weeks however, seem to correlate mostly to my commenting on being diagnosed for depression. So I figure you sick people are simply here to observe someone else coping with their mental issues. Or you are all people who also have mental issues, and you're looking for kindred spirits.

In either case, I suppose I should comment on my current treatment. This past Monday, I met with a Tisch counselor named Rachel and we discussed ... well, everything. Mostly I talked about things with some occasional questions from her to keep me on track. All-in-all, I was rather comfortable discussing personal matters with her, but it was really weird to see her writing notes as I made what were apparently important observations about the history of my depression. I'll be meeting with her next Monday, though I'm not sure how long we'll keep meeting, as the university care is only short-term.

Anyway, as things go, I'm beginning to feel like I should be pressing on to more important things now, like that writing I've been avoiding for several hours now.

Again with the Writing

So I've been at this writing thing for like two hours now and I've written about two pages of material. I'm concerned that this story isn't lending itself to a short-feature format. I don't know if I can tell my story in twenty pages. I feel like I'm forced to rely on a structure I don't like to satisfy my immediate needs - this class may not be suitable for my present film concept. If that's the case, then my brain needs to work doubletime to try to come up with a new story.

It doesn't help that I feel a subtle calling in the back of my mind: "Play Halo." It's like my mind is against me doing anything truly productive tonight. I'm tempted to go downstairs to the lounge - there are three rooms in this freaking apartment, but none of them have so far proven conducive to writing.

I have to do something to get myself back on track.

I Hate Poetry

It's so pretentious. Consider this:

From deep within, raging like a Storm of Ages
Passionate but dangerous, I feel it
The thing that is passed on to me at birth
So hard to tame, and so important to control
A legend among those who know my family
A curse of blood ... damn my temper

It's ridiculously self-aware. I prefer the subtle third-party observation of cinema.

Perhaps, though, it's just that my own poetry, of which there exists only the entry above, is so unrefined as to be just plain horrendous. I'd rather express my emotions with a prose entry than with a contemptible collection of cliches. So much for my first foray into the world of poetry.

Well I'm Fucked

Yep, I'm totally fucked.

Made My Day

So I just opened Outlook Express and went through my e-mails a few minutes ago and came upon this message from Lambda Legal:

New York Court Says Gay Couples Have Right to Marry!

Today we won a historic victory in our New York marriage case! A New York State court has ruled that same-sex couples have a right to marry.

In her ruling, State Supreme Court Justice Doris Ling-Cohan said that the New York State Constitution guarantees basic freedoms to lesbian and gay people. The ruling goes on to say that same-sex couples must have the right to marry and that the couples represented by Lambda Legal (click here to read their stories) must be given marriage licenses. The ruling is stayed for a month in case the city chooses to appeal it in court.

In the words of Justice Ling-Cohan: “Similar to opposite-sex couples, same-sex couples are entitled to the same fundamental right to follow their hearts and publicly commit to a lifetime partnership with the person of their choosing. The recognition that this fundamental right applies equally to same-sex couples cannot legitimately be said to harm anyone.”

Click here for the text of the full decision and for more information on today’s groundbreaking ruling.

That's right! Another state has decided to further the progressive ideology of equality and tolerance to all of its constituency. In light of President Bush's depressing re-election, this news is a much needed boost for the morale of liberals across the country - this is another state refusing to bow to the conservative agenda of bigotry and hatred. Go New York!

Analysis

I scored moderately high in the depression category, higher in the mood disorder category, and very high in the generalized anxiety disorder category.





Well, at least I have an excuse now. :-P

Actually, Thurman and Dan are both right. I'm glad that I finally got this step out of the way. I acknowledged a long time ago that I have issues, but I've never sought help in dealing with them. In the course of our preliminary evaluation and discussion, the counselor and I discussed the possibility that my anxiety might just be the result of my being a film student - it's not easy. Being a filmmaker is stressful enough, but being a poor, student filmmaker is probably twice as hard. We didn't discuss this, but I notice now that she checked off the possibility that I might have bipolar disorder. Interesting. I understand that I can go from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde in 3.4 seconds, but I never considered that I might be bipolar - just ... on edge ... frequently.

I have a full-length session with a counselor from Tisch on Monday and I expect that we'll be able to find some ways to help me work through my issues and get back on track. I haven't derailed, I don't think; but I have certainly taken a slight detour.

Depression Screening Day

NYU's Health Department is holding a Depression Screening Day. I'm going into the city early tomorrow to see if I meet the requirements to be officially labeled "seasonally fucked up." I don't know whether I want to find out I am or am not depressed - if I am, it's bad, but if I'm not, then I've got other problems.

I was having trouble focusing in class today. I don't know why ... I just was. I couldn't keep a clear thought running through my head all day. Then one came and I couldn't get it out of my head for the rest of class:

Nothing splendid was ever achieved except by those who dared believe that something inside them was superior to the circumstance.

Julee used to quote that saying all the time. I don't know why I thought of it.