Sky Holds the Sun

I can't even create a proper entry for this at the moment. My mind is spinning in joyous little circles thinking about how awesome my weekend was. A really nice, really cute guy made me dinner on Saturday! How cool is that? No one's ever made me dinner before ...

Skipping a Beat, Blood Boiling

I find that more and more I'm angering easily again.

"Again?" I hear you scoff. "Ha, when did you not anger easily?"


For quite some time, I managed to relax myself and take life as it came at me, letting the ocean keep me afloat on calm waters or rush over me in great waves. Good or bad, nothing seemed too much for me to handle. I was happy and felt as though I had been borne of a new light, an greatness within that left me feeling as though I was in control of my life again to a greater extent than I had ever been before.

I was almost at peace with myself.

Now, the voices rise up again, calling to me with great urgency: "Don't forget this!" "Do that!" "Be here!" "Talk to him!" "Call her!" "Get up at 6!" "You're late!" "Move faster!" "Slow down!"

I can't escape my own mind. And again, I've slipped into a nightmarish trap whereby I struggle against the bonds that hold me down and they only grow tighter and more restricting.

I am no longer a man at peace. I anger quickly, become disheartened even faster, and despair almost always. Moments of happiness are fleeting and things that usually bring me great joy barely force any light through the dark clouds that hang over me seemingly always.

I don't know what it is I want, but I know what I don't want ... I don't want to be alone anymore. I've known companionship and its joys for years, and, knowing single life and dating for several months now, I am already certain I really don't like not having someone to love.

Beyond that, however, is something that both angers and depresses me. I don't know if I trust my heart anymore. I used to believe wholeheartedly (no pun intended) that love was an amazing truth - it would never lie to you. It would never mislead you. Now I know that love is as likely to be an illusory curtain between two people as it is to be a powerful bond between them. My own heart blinded me to the fact that I was falling further and further behind someone until eventually all I could see was their tail lights fading in the distance, someone else in the passenger seat of my beloved's car.

I am not angry at anyone, but instead curse the social concept of romance itself. It seems to be to be a greater risk to try investing yourself in someone else than to go out and have random sex with every hot mate you might come across. If the physical risk is not nearly the same, the emotional risk of falling in love seems far greater a danger.

If I love someone again, I know full well that it may not be forever. And I believe that the realization that it might not be puts in my mind a doubt as to whether attempting to reach forever with a person is even a worthwhile endeavor.

How can you love someone so much and lose them? And after loving someone so much and losing them, how can you expect to be able to shed your fears and do it all over again, expecting a different result.

It is said that insanity is doing something over and over again and expecting different results.

I am many things, but insane is not one of them.

Get Bent, Tax Man!

With exception to the rather general knowledge that you need to file your taxes by April 15th every year, I know next-to-nothing about taxes and how they work. I know that I make money, the government takes a [frequently large] portion of it and, come April 15th, I sometimes get money back from the government or owe them some small amount. This has, in the past, been all I need to know about taxes, as I do mine online via H&R Block's online tax filing service.

However, that limited knowledge seems to no longer be adequate for my reporting purposes as I am currently being paid under 1099 status and, for the first time ever, have business expenses I would want to write off.

I have no idea why I'm telling you this, except to say that, if, come the next quarterly tax filing date (sometime in January?), I stop writing, it's because the IRS has reclaimed my possessions due to non-payment of money they believe I owe them.

Actually, seriously, the only reason I think to write about this is because I was wondering if anyone who actively reads this blog has any suggestions as to how I can avoid being charged with tax evasion. I don't have an accountant and I don't really know any ...

The One Thing I Know

I've been feeling such immense loneliness lately that, as I am left alone with my thoughts, I realized there is only one thing that hasn't ever not been there for me: Technology.

For years now, since I started earning money as a paper boy, I've spent most of what I've made on electronics. I opted not to buy nice cars like all my friends and instead bought nice TVs, stereos, video game systems and - most importantly - computers.

These things have always been there for me, each and every moment I've been alone. I have instant access to things that entertain me and steer my thoughts from my solitude and direct them into fictional realms that delight my mind in lieu of pleasant stimuli from the real world around me.

But I find, more and more, that these things don't bring me as much joy as they did before. I can't watch TV for very long before getting restless; I don't want to play any games. And every time I'm on the computer, I'm reminded that, by another means, I am being ignored.

Everyone on my buddy list is always away. And when they come back, in those moments where I know they've been at their desk looking at AIM and they change their Away Message, they pass over my name without thinking that it might bring me some modicum of joy to send me a simple hello or a smiley face. Just as I never receive calls, e-mails or letters from anyone.

The years I spent isolating myself, followed by the years I spent engaged in what I thought was a beautiful and productive relationship, have today been shown to have had a great affect on my ability to interact in a meaningful way when my situation is as desperate as I believe it to be.

I was waiting for the train at 72nd St (sue me, I didn't feel like walking 30 blocks) and I really hot guy came walking towards me. I looked at him and caught his eye, holding my stare almost exactly as long as I think is effective at signalling some modicum of interest. In fact, the timing was perfect ... I don't think I've ever not stared too long at someone I find attractive. I'm apparently very bad at it. But this time was perfect.

I averted my gaze and, as he got closer, flicked my eyes up just in time to see him flick his towards me right as he passed by. He stopped about 20 feet away, milled about there a bit, and, as the train arrived, moved past me back the way he came and got on the same car I did, at the other end. Inside, I looked over and saw him look up at me.

Three stops later (the 2/3 is running local on weekends at the moment), we both got off and, as I passed him on my way to the stairs, we again made eye contact in what felt like an almost desperately meaningful way ... it looked as though he was as intimidated by being checked out by a guy he was checking out as was I (wrap your mind around that sentence once more ... it makes sense, I promise). I passed by, went down the stairs and will probably never see him again.

I feel that I should have been more empowered to do something in that situation. I should have been confident enough to smile at him, wink perhaps, or, better yet, simply find a way to make conversation. I should feel that there is nothing worse that could come of simply saying, "Hi ... I was wondering, if you're not busy, would you maybe wanna go get a cup of coffee or something?" to a complete stranger than their simply saying, "Sure," "I'm sorry, I'm dating someone," "Sorry, I'm not gay," or "No."

Are we, as people, so socially inept that we've made it seem like the above situation should be as uncomfortable as it was ... that we should somehow be resigned to feeling completely powerless to find friendship or maybe more in catching the eyes of someone who has also caught yours?

Is this somehow normal? Does everyone sacrifice the potentially amazing benefits that come from meeting someone new, simply because they aren't meeting in a bar or a club, or at a social gathering of some sort?

Do people no longer meet at random on the street or on a train? Did they ever?

Or am I just the only one?

Ok and ... GO!

Wow. Alright, it feels like it's been a while since I've done this, probably because it's been a while since I've done this. First, the major updates:

I live in New York again, on the UWS (W. 99th). I'm in a two-bedroom apartment with a 39-year old gay guy. I was a little uncomfortable at the thought of living by myself (I don't qualify living in an apartment with someone I don't know as living "with someone"). After JJ left, I wasn't sure I wanted to stay in Manhattan - or even the region as a whole. The allure of living in New York City has faded a bit with the loss of the primary reason for my moving there in the first place. But now that I've been on my own for a few weeks, I've found that I'm doing better than I thought I would. I expected to be an emotional wreck, but I guess I passed that stage a few months ago.

I'm still with NetGen and I just finished my training course in the NextGen electronic medical records and practice administration software. Soon, I'll be getting certified in said software. As far as work goes, it's been pretty good, though all the traveling I've done for training combined with all the weekend work has left me exhausted, both physically and mentally.

Speaking of mental, I will be examined in December for Adult ADD, which, as far as I have investigated, seems to be a probable positive diagnosis on the horizon. I'm actually very anxious to get the test done, as I would like to know if the difficulties I've had with work and school for the past many years have been influenced in any way by this condition. It would please me greatly to find a way to alleviate my inability to concentrate on and complete my work.

And on a lighter note, as promised, I have some surprises for you. At the moment, I don't have pictures of my apartment - I was going to post some tonight, but I went to MD instead of returning to NY after today's training session. However, I have some pictures that might clue you in to how I've been affected by post-traumatic break-up syndrome (PTBS). I like the look. It was a very spur-of-the-moment thing, and I was accompanied by Angi, who, ever the friend, made fun of me for wincing at the slight pinch felt during the hardware installation. Thanks, Ang ... ;-)

There are sure to be more updates on the way, so stay tuned kids!

I have stood here before in the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain.
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign,
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain...

What About Me?

I was listening to this song while driving and it kinda sums up how I feel right about now in my life:

You might not notice but I need a good friend
Someone to talk to when I'm down, down, down
There's so much on my mind that I want to get out
But there's no one around

Sometimes I can't help thinkin' what about me
Some days go by that I don't even see
Yeah I'm doing everything right and I can't break free
Oh is this the way it's always gonna be
What about me

And ... Back!

Sorry about the very long delay between posts, but I have been ... well, busy. However, I have a great deal of updating to do here, and I will ... when I have time! :-P

I plan on writing a very long post later this evening or tomorrow, including some pictures of a few major updates to my life (expect a suprise or two!). Come back soon and you'll be able to read all about it.

Critical Juncture

As the day progresses, I've discovered I seem to be the only one unable to contain their sadness at what is unfolding. This is an odd turn-about for me, as usually I'm bawling while others look on uncomfortably. Do not doubt how upsetting it is for me to be dismantling the life I've - we've - built for ourselves these past three years. It's depressing beyond belief. However, I'm overwhelmed by how much we still have left to do before we can even begin loading the truck.

As would be expected of us by anyone who's ever held an appointment with us - a dinner date, a movie, a party, etc - we're just a little behind schedule.

It's nice to know that as the rough winds of life let loose into my barely unfurled sails, my poor boat leaking and creaking in the squall, somethings ... just ... never ... change.

Speaking of never change, if you can, use whatever illegal program you use to download music (I know you have one!), and download "Never Change," by Bill Conti. It's from the score for The Thomas Crown Affair. It's a good piece of music.