On Trust

Trust has become a major topic of conversation for me with all of my friends. I will express my thoughts on the matter with this quote, author unknown:

"Trust is something to be earned, not given away."

An alternate version, expressing advice to the receiving person is:

" Trust is something to be earned, not expected."

I can understand being willing to give people the benefit of the doubt, but to me that doesn't mean investing all my trust in them from the moment we meet. To me, it means believing that every person is worthy of the chance to earn your trust.

My trust is very, very, VERY hard to earn. I trust very few people. I don't even necessarily trust all of my family. Trust is something that's built throughout the course of a relationship.

Trust is not a gift that can be given, it's a treasure to be found.

Happiness

With your love I was complete
Like a haven safe from harm
Till the bitter stole the sweet
I was perfect in your arms
A precious while I had your smile
Till it all fell apart with one change of heart

The pain and regret will fade but a fact of love will still remain
You can't always trust happiness
Love like a sweet parade till the saddest part when the music fades
You can't always trust happiness

If a single star I see 
Ever made a wish come true
It would bring you back to me
But the best my heart can do
Is to love again, I don't know when
Still it's worth all I fear, the heartaches and the tears

Love like a lesson learned when we pass the point of no return
You can't always trust happiness
There in love's steady glow hides the power to hurt us so
You can't always trust happiness

Spontaneous Combustion

I think if ever there was a candidate to simply burst into flame, it'd be me. I'm really waiting for that to top off the emotional buildup of the past month. I can't eat again. And that's as much my fault as it's something I can't really control. As I intoned in the last post, I have created for myself yet another shitty situation that has me completely distraught.

I feel like a record that just keeps skipping and skipping and skipping and skipping ... like every week, I fall off this great high I'm on. The cloud dissolved beneath me and I hit the ground hard. My life right now is just so fucked up.

I've graduated, but have work to finish. I want to do enough to get the grades, but not actually make my film. I want to go to grad school again, but I don't have the money for that ... and I haven't worked through the LSAT book for days. I can't sleep at night, so I take shots of whatever liquor we have to put myself to sleep. I need to find a job, but that's not really a simple task.

All the while, the underlying problem is this loneliness, this alienation I feel from everyone and everything. I've caused my best friend to pull away again. I don't feel the same connection to other people, so I can hang out with them but it doesn't distract me. The only other person I connect with lives hours away. Nothing can fill the hole in me - that part of me that was torn away.

And, again, I've managed to reveal some detail of the past three years so deplorable that I've pissed off both of my closest friends (one who pulled away and undoubtably no longer feels compelled to trust me; the other who reminded me that what I did was wrong but that I'm not a bad person). So here I am ... a reformed convict hoping that when people look at him, they won't see the bad things he's done as representing who is now, but rather the person that he was before.

People can change, but it takes time and patience ... and, above all else, compassion and forgiveness.

I'm trying to change, I'm ready to change. I'm willing to change. I want it. But I'm afraid that I might have used up all my strikes.

Humanity Is Doomed

A dire notion, I know. And perhaps a little melodramatic. Recent events, however, lead me to believe that human beings - at least many of them - are dangerous creatures that could self-destruct at any moment. I say this from the experience of a person who has taken several mistakes before he has (hopefully) realized not to conceal any truths when given the opportunity to come clean about something.

Out of selfish desire to preserve an imagined integrity (which obviously cannot exist when one is lying about something), I opted to repeat a mistake that I had already seen as creating major problems for me. If I am doing this in such a small scale on the cosmic stage, it is entirely believable that many other people are doing it and that it is part of a greater problem. The problem being the inability of humans to recognize their mistakes and learn from them.

We simply don't always do that. Sometimes it takes us several errors and, thus, several punishments, before we realize what we have done wrong - and keep from doing it in the future. If this, however, occurs in areas of life of a greater danger - on a global scale, involving politics, war, the environment, etc - we may be fucked. Sometimes you don't get a second chance to make a mistake. But if you're graced with any type of second chance - a chance to make things right - I hope you're smart enough to use it.

In my own personal circumstances, I have to admit that, after all I've put the offended person through, I, perhaps, don't deserve the third (or fourth) chance that I may be given. But whereas I previously believed I had truly learned my lesson about honesty, I am fairly certain that, this time, the lesson will stick. Old habits die hard, and selfish behaviors are among them. I would not call myself a habitual liar, but I have been known to spin a yarn or two when I thought that there were legitimate reasons to do so. However, the operative word there is thought - I thought there were legitimate reasons. There were not legitimate reasons. I was mistaken.

After are mistakes are made - on whatever scale they may be - we need to atone for them. I have no idea how to atone for my grievous error in judgement, but I suspect that the guilt and remorse is a strong part of that process. As I explained last night, there is no greater punishment than that which is self-inflicted. However, the greatest punishment is the knowledge that I have no right to ask for, nor expect, forgiveness.

Why I Love Her :-)

This is why I love Angi:

BanjokerFilms: I wish, like I suppose all people do, that I could recognize mistakes before I make them.
BanjokerFilms: And not make them.
BanjokerFilms: But that's not human.
Angi: hopefully that will never happen, cause that means you're repeating them
BanjokerFilms: wow
Angi: it's true, i dont mind making mistakes, so long as i never make them again

She's got that way of thinking that fills in my gaps. I hope that, occasionally, I offer such profound wisdom to other people.

Response to Angi

I have a counter. It's infrequenstly visinle. Had five margaritsa. :-) Rob's drunk tooo, so I didn't drink alone this time. :-D

He Wears Pink

Oh my. I had an entire post written up and I accidentally deleted it. Shit.

In short:

- The tequila helped me sleep last night. Which is good. The fact that I needed tequila to get to sleep is bad.

- I'm wearing a pink polo. I haven't worn a pink polo in almost half of my lifetime. Now, I think I have the looks to make pink work for me. Cause I'm sexy. ;-)

- It's sunny and I want out, so I'm gonna run some errands. When I get back, I'm gonna try to write some of that pilot script I've been avoiding working on for several months. CSU, here I come! Goooo Rangers! /snicker

- I've cleaned a great deal this weekend, but our apartment is such a mess, you wouldn't know it to see the place. The goal, for me, is to at least have counter space in the kitchen again. I'm halfway there.

That concludes today's briefing. Questions, comments, concerns?

He Opts for the Alcohol Route

I decided that, if I was going to be miserable here, I might as well be drunk and miserable. I have only one friend that doesn't live in the mid-Atlantic region who I could possibly stay with for a few days. And he's gotta go to Orlando tomorrow. So I don't get to spend a few days away from here in a sunny, warm place with a friend who doesn't look upon me with eyes that ooze pity.

I just wanna hang out with a friend on the beach for a few days. Or something like that. I fucking hate being in this apartment by myself. And I don't want to go to Maryland.

I'm so glad I'm drunk. I might actually feel sad for myself right now. But instead I feel warm and tired. I'm gonna avoid drinking my way through this weekend because it's unhealthy, but it sure makes getting to sleep easier.

Writing About My Naked Body

I have been writing a lot lately. Hold on. Let me clarify something. The title does not mean to imply that I have been writing a lot lately about my naked body. I will, at some point in this post, get to the discussion of my body (not exactly about it being naked or with any description of anything beyond PG-13 rated), but the title is a way of connecting two different ideas.

So, anyway, back to the first sentence.

I have been writing a lot lately. My posts here are obviously more frequent than in the past few months. And I've been writing letters to no one, which, in the event of my death, I would encourage someone to download from my computer so that the thoughts and feelings aren't lost for all eternity. I simply write the letters because, for the time being, I don't want to know what the response to the ideas presented therein would be. I just want to talk.

My mind and body have become vastly different than before. Now, my mind is calm and my thoughts flow easily, allowing me to explore ideas more fully. But my body is restless. I feel cooped up and confined by anything that's not sidewalk. I am in constant motion, like a shark - if I stop moving, I die. I exhaust myself by walking for hours without rest. My mind works hard, occupying my consciousness so that I can avoid any unpleasant feelings I have. The narrow focus I had before is gone. I have abandoned my sloth in favor of ... well, anything that keeps me from sitting down and being still for even a moment.

I'm restless, but not anxious. I can see clearly, but have nothing on which to focus my sight. I have a great deal of hope for the future - my future - but have little reason to be happy.

And all the while, I am the center of my universe (as is everyone, I believe), but am fully aware on the fringes of my mind that I am just a speck of dust in the cosmic wind of the universe. There is something building up inside of me, but I don't know what it is. I can't see it, I can't connect with it yet. It might be anger. It might be sadness. It might be real hope or true happiness. Something is inside and it is going to burst free soon. But I can't identify it yet.

Since I don't really know what I am meaning to say, I'll move on to the other topic: my body.

I look good. I look very good. I've lost seven pounds in the past few weeks, due to both my increased amount of physical activity and the fact that I didn't eat solid food for an entire week at the beginning of this month. I've been having trouble eating lately - I eat very little and only about one full meal per day. I'm just not hungry and when I go to eat - because I have to eat, I know that much - the thought of almost any food makes me nauseous. But I still force myself to eat. The last time I felt like this was almost three years ago, right before I gave up my mass consumption of caffeine. And, oddly enough, I have been drinking very little of anything with caffeine in it. I've decreased my sugar intake. I've been drinking only Gatorade, for the most part. I just feel sick and can't eat.

But like I said, I look good. Which leads me to the conclusion that, since I need to eat and not be all crazy anorexic like whichever (or both) of the Olsen twins, I must start using the gym downstairs. I like seeing my abs (or the vague outline of them). I like that I can see I could potentially have that sexy V-shape. I like that I wake up early and stay up late and don't feel fatigued after 12 hours of being awake. I like looking and feeling healthy - and sexy! So I think I'm gonna try to stay that way.

I hope this post is semi-coherent. It just came out and I really can't even recall the first line of this post without scrolling up to read it. I'm just talking and I don't even know who is listening or if they understand. And I don't know if I want to know if they understand. Or even if they're listening. I just want to talk.

Nature Nurtures

So, I came across an old news story that pointed out the findings of a research study on how the brain reacts to romance:

Italian scientists have found that the chemical in the brain which makes us romantic disappears over a year. They say this explains why the happy, wonderful and confident feelings we experience at the start of a relationship do not last forever. Researchers from the University of Pavia discovered that levels of a chemical called Nerve Growth Factor (NGF) greatly increase when a person first falls in love. NGF levels come from the rush of adrenalin and love of life that occur when new love blossoms. The chemical fades over a year or so after people become more secure in a relationship.

It strikes me that this seems to be Mother Nature helping get relationships started, but expecting the couple to pull its own weight after she's set in motion the machinery of love. Really, though, I think it's fair to be a little upset that Mother Nature doesn't let us keep that giddy love for the duration of our lifetime with our chosen companion. It would certainly make things easier, I think. But then, I've heard that love is something you have to work for - something you have to strive for. I suppose if she just kept us in a drugged state it would make the love seem less real.

Drujnky Drunk Drunk

I am drunk. That is all.

A Giant Among Men

It is very strange for me to feel so insufficiently motivated to continue working towards becoming a filmmaker. I would like to eventually direct my own feature-length film, but I don't want to do it right now. I want to go back to school. I want to make some money. I want to get some life experience under my belt, then go write about it and make a movie. A huge part of my concern now is over the fact that I have nothing to write about. There are not many ideas rolling around in my head that are worth putting to paper.

All the solid ground I've stood on for the past few years has disappeared. Everything I had to keep me steady as I go has fallen away. I feel confined by this apartment and, in some ways, scared of what's outside of it.

"All these places had their moments ..."

I believe this marks the first post wherein the title was not all caps, but rather simply a direct quotation from somewhere else. I've been having a great deal of trouble finding ways to occupy myself now that I don't have classes or work or anything else going on in my life.

Before, the idea that I would have something to do once JJ came home was pretty much all that I needed to keep from completely losing my mind. Now, I take every opportunity to get out of this apartment, but I have only a few people to do things with.

The unfortunate truth is that when I moved to New York, I was injected directly into JJ's social life. His friends became my friends. I became one of their friends by association with JJ. This doesn't mean that I didn't develop bonds of friendship based on my own interactions with these people; I did.

However, when something like a break-up occurs, mutual friends do one of two things: take a side or avoid you both. Both are natural occurences. That's not to say that JJ and I are enemies; quite the contrary, as we've become closer than ever before. But our friends are now more separate than ever. So the friends he has, he hangs out with, disregarding (and not un-rightly so) my desire to spend time with them, too.

And our mutual friends who still talk to me also still talk to him, which makes it difficult to spend time without them wanting to know either everything or nothing about our situation - if everything, it becomes an irritation; if nothing, I feel ignored.

My exclusive friends are few and far between. Kent is still the only person who talks to me with any regularity. And Angi is always there for me - in Pennsylvania. This isn't to decry the value of their friendships; I'm glad I have them. But I realize that, in allowing myself to become so intertwined in JJ's friendships, I missed a great deal of opportunity to form my own.

Now, the best friend I have is, unfortunately, the most mutual of friends to us - JJ himself. As I hope you can see, this makes life difficult. I'm hoping I can find a job soon because sitting around our apartment isn't enjoyable. And it seems just as bad that every time JJ comes home, I'm sitting at my desk, further cramping his personal space.




On a sidenote, I am working through an LSAT prep book to determine whether I can even consider going back to school to study law. It's an idea I've harbored secretly for a while now, along with one or two other career alternatives. Only recently have I discussed it with anyone under the belief that it might actually be a legitimate prospect.

It's amazing how quickly your world can change. Three years ago, I knew what I wanted to do in life; two years ago, I began to dislike what I was doing with my life; last year, I began doubting whether I wanted to do it at all. And last month, I realized I was scared shitless about doing it for the rest of my life - or worse, trying and failing miserably.

Now, I know only one thing: I want to do more. I want to write. I want to talk. I want to argue and debate. I want to convince. I want to help. I want to heal. I want more out of my education; I want more out of my life. I just don't know what exactly I want.

From complete certainty without a single doubt to complete confusion and a vague sense of direction. I certainly hope this is a standard moment for every college graduate. Because I'm scared of not knowing anymore.

Three weeks ago I was inadvertently dowsed with the water that splashed off of someone else, waking them up to their complacency and giving me a brief moment of clarity that allowed me to see that I wasn't exactly clear about where I want to go and what I want to do. The only thing I do know was that, in that moment, I had only one expectation: that someone would be there to help me find my way, a companion in the darkness. And all I found was that the room we had been in was empty - my companion had run away in the darkness, guided by some other force. While I hope he makes it out safely, I have only begun to realize that, if I have any hope of getting out of here myself, I'm gonna have to do it on my own.

I've never been afraid of the dark - just what the darkness hides.

Flushed from the Bathroom of Your Heart

The title of the post has nothing to do with the post. It's the title to a song, apparently, and I just liked it.

I wish I were more of a poet. I wish my words had more romance and soul to them. Sometimes, I feel that I have things to say, and though I may be eloquent (or not, I don't presume to think I'm a fantastic writer) at times, I feel that, on the whole, my words fall short in conveying the thoughts and feelings contained within.

Tonight was both painful and joyous for me, as has been the past three weeks. It's difficult for me to balance these competing emotions. I strive for balance because it's not healthy or safe to lock up one or the other. Nor is it appropriate to allow both to run free, sabotaging your efforts to grow as a person. Balance and harmony are the best route. But that doesn't mean it's easy - not by a long shot.

It was tonight that I was finally clued in to what the situation around me really looked like. I have misinterpreted things and that left me clutching with some modicum of desperation at the remaining relics of an era that has since passed. Like the Old Man who does not see that his time has expired and he is expected to conform to the laws of the New World, I just didn't realize that, from where I was standing, I was not going to be moving forward any time soon.

Thankfully, open lines of communication - improving lines of communication - helped me to understand that what was replacing the last era was not something seeking to wipe out any memory of that time; it is simply the next step, an evolution of my life into something newer, different, and, ultimately, more challenging. Already, I have benefited from the growth of a positive and strong friendship - merely using the term "friendship" really decries the value of the actual relationship. Though not resembling the form that it had taken in the previous era, this relationship is much stronger and, hopefully, more resolute in its intention to align its two souls.

I have for a long time feared change. I feel comfortable and secure when wrapped in the familiar. A certain type of companionship eases my fears. But now, I realize that, to truly face those fears, I need to do it on my own. Dependency is not the goal of this new relationship; inevitably, if it becomes something more than what it is now, interdependency (a much healthier form of symbiosis) is what will come from the seeds of these types of friendships.

That is not an expectation so much as it is a hope. (That, I felt, should be emphasized, so as not to leave anyone confused)

I value this relationship with this person a great deal. It is, so far, the most fulfilling friendship I have had in a long time (perhaps ever). But it would be nice to have more of them - even just a few. Already, there are two people with whom I am certain that I could have this type of relationship with. If I am indeed correct, those two people know who they are and will continue to strive to achieve that goal.

We each weave in our lifetime a great web that represents our relationships that we have formed. Some of the strands in this web will be stronger than others. Some will break with time; others will endure. But we must recognize that the web itself represents our legacy on this earth. It is that which we leave behind, our connections to other people. I would hope that every person would try to weave a large, beautiful, strong web to leave behind, even if the strands are few. Everyone deserves that legacy; it's part of their being human - the right to fulfilling relationships.

Tonight served to remind me that I am not alone, but simply haven't been looking to the people who make up the strands of my web. An old strand - a weak strand - in my web was broken tonight and it was replaced by the strongest length of the most beautiful silk I have ever known. Having finally seen this, I feel secure in the knowledge that I really do have people who support and love me, trusting that they'll catch me if ever I fall.

Thank you, Jay, for being the strongest strand and for inadvertently reminding me of all the other ones in my web.

Funny Story I Don't Remember At All

I found this post I made, and I don't remember this happening at all. It must have, though:

HAHAHA ... third exam down, and that was out of the sheer kindness of the professor. So I get up to Towson at 9:15/9:20, and I go into the building my exam is in at like 9:40 and I see another student walking out. He stops and gives me this look, and asks, "What happened to you?" And I become completely mortified ... I missed the exam!!! I went upstairs, and there were two students finishing up, and the professor looks at me and says, "You're living out my college nightmare. Do you wanna take the test outside of my office?" And I was soooooooo relieved, she was so awesome about it.

While I was taking the test, she got a phone call from a colleague, who made her laugh, and when she hung up, she explained to me why she had laughed when telling her I had missed the exam. "She said you're a little bastard for missing the test. I thought that was funny." Which made me laugh, cause ... yeah, it was.

More Old Posts

By JokerRipper on November.24.2002, 7:43 AM
Registered User


Damn. What was everyone doing up at 5 in the morning? And Matt ... I hate you. But, um:

Matt: I think you left your balls in the closet
Joker Ripper: Yeah, with my baseball bat.

What the hell was I thinking? "Yeah ... with my [i]baseball bat?[i]" Nice. Smooth. I'm a moron.

- Dave

By JokerRipper on November.24.2002, 8:05 AM
Registered User


Oh, and Matt.

Matt: You understand that I have to post this don't you?
Joker Ripper: sure, go haeadh
Joker Ripper: 8ahgead
Joker Ripper: *ahdead
Joker Ripper: fuck#!!!!
Joker Ripper: DAMMIT
Joker Ripper: Post is
Matt: Only if you say something really funny
Matt: Something about your genitalia preferrably
Matt: Ready, set......
Matt: Go!
Joker Ripper: fuck you
Joker Ripper: Im' not an idiot
Joker Ripper: i'm just drunk

Does that REALLY count as getting permission? >:-(

- Dave

I don't know what was going on, but I apparently got drunk more before I lived in a dorm:

By JokerRipper on November.23.2002, 11:57 PM
Registered User


at some point , i think ai jsut gave up ... and stoped tryihng o fidx my espelalling srerros. i can't wait unitl I go to new yhornk next month ... chi'lis' sucks.

:-D

I htinki if I sholwoed down, I could typee bester. But i cekeep making misteakes, even when I go back tow roccrect it. Fcuk it ...

-= Dave

By JokerRipper on November.24.2002, 12:05 AM
Registered User


lol, in'm an idiot

Joker Ripper: Yeah, shut up
Joker Ripper: I cna type
Steve: cna eh?
Joker Ripper: I can type
Joker Ripper: It's just very difficult
Steve: getting better
Joker Ripper: Yeah, I can do it.
Joker Ripper: It's just very fucking difficult
Steve: thanks
Joker Ripper: I have to conscentrate
Joker Ripper: :-D
Joker Ripper: which is diffuicntl
Joker Ripper: DIFFICULT
Joker Ripper: :-)
Steve: you almost spelled concentrate
Joker Ripper: CONSENTRATE
Joker Ripper: CONVENTRATE

Joker Ripper: CONCENRTRATE
Joker Ripper: FUCK!

Joker Ripper: CONCENTRATEW
Steve: hahaha
Joker Ripper: CONCENTRATE!
Joker Ripper: got
Joker Ripper: it
Steve: excellent
Joker Ripper: yeah!

From there, it only gets worse:

By JokerRipper on November.24.2002, 12:30 AM
Registered User


El kicks ass. I kick ass too. Liek fucking Superman! She got drunk wthe smae tnight as nme. :-D

lol ... funny. I said superman, so I hve to say "boy wonderufl," caus eeomseone wil think that af's funny.

in the works dof oJay ... "AZAAA WOOOO!" lol ... he'said asaaaaaaaa woooo... the works tapart si ... i dn't fuking feel liek fixing my msitaeks. canseu I hknowt here's way tooo fucking makney to acnae.g GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR............ ........................

- Dvae

I'll end it with this last post, cause it's a big one. It was so nice when we Nancies would post our AIM convos on the boards, showing off the stupidity of one another:

By Bo. on November.24.2002, 1:42 AM
Registered User


Joker Ripper: i feel ike ... mattehw mchonoughey ... naken bonogs
Joker Ripper: crather? yosishis ... nobondsoa
Joker Ripper: corrupted #40 ... I downloaded that set and it was al god escpet for #40
Joker Ripper: the last track
Joker Ripper: fuckers
Joker Ripper: ever;ythign spins when ;your fdurnk
Joker Ripper: I can still understand what's going on, though.
Joker Ripper: how'reyou tonigth?
Joker Ripper: i don't thin ki should've ebeen drinking
Joker Ripper: I have to be at work in liek 9 hours
Joker Ripper: Indon'tnt now how son this this connga wear off
Joker Ripper: you htenre?
Matt: yes sir
Matt: you sure you're not gonna try and get your paws on Jay's python?
Joker Ripper: lol
Joker Ripper: Nah, dawg
Matt: c'mon
Matt: wuss
Joker Ripper: Jays'so ocute
Joker Ripper: NO
Joker Ripper: Jay's funny
Joker Ripper: And sexy
Matt: What are you? Straight?
Joker Ripper: But I'm gnot knoggan rty to get my paws on jay's ptyhon ... fuck
Joker Ripper: I can't en ve speell "python"
Joker Ripper: DAMn, I did it ...
Joker Ripper: lol
Matt: hah
Joker Ripper: Dno't modck me
Joker Ripper: I'll kick your ass later
Joker Ripper: lol
Joker Ripper: fuck
Matt: nah, c'mon man. Just between you and me
Matt: how big do you think it is?
Joker Ripper: How big do I thin "wath? is?
Matt: c'mon now
Joker Ripper: lol
Joker Ripper: I know what your'e talking about
Joker Ripper: I'm not ansering teh wqutionst htough. I might not be able to type straight, but I can think straight
Joker Ripper: ...
Joker Ripper: As straight as a gay guy guest
Joker Ripper: *gets
Matt: why not answer?
Matt: it won't hurt anyone
Matt: I bet it's big
Matt: Don't you think?
Joker Ripper: dumabss
Joker Ripper: you got me in roubtle
Matt: How?
Joker Ripper: I was tlkaing ot jay and I seaid something stupid out loaud
Joker Ripper: aou gongin tou with him
Joker Ripper: fuck
Joker Ripper: that fucks things up
Matt: What did I have to do with that?
Joker Ripper: DAMMIT!!!
Joker Ripper: YOU BROUGHTUP THE SUBJECT OF JAY AD ME
Matt: Is he wearing pants?
Matt: I bet he's not
Matt: I bet it's just hangin out
Matt: Think about it
Joker Ripper: lol, I'm wearing pants'
Joker Ripper: Bt I don't knw about Jay
Joker Ripper: And seeing as he's not frunkk, I htink th'e sproppbaly wearing pant
Joker Ripper: s
Matt: ask him
Joker Ripper: no
Matt: wuss
Joker Ripper: Sorry, Imn' not a moron
Matt: you are so gay
Joker Ripper: Whatever
Joker Ripper: yeah
Matt: c'mon wuss
Joker Ripper: so, what's our pourint?
Joker Ripper: I'm not an idiot. I mgiht say moerthan I mean to
Matt: I think you left your balls in the closet
Joker Ripper: Yeah, with my baseball bat.
Joker Ripper: Shut up, ass
Matt: ask him
Matt: c'mon
Matt: it'll be fun
Matt: tell him to touch it for you
Joker Ripper: I have to go to sleep, because I have to be at work at 11

I counted and came up with a total tally of 16 "fuck you"s. :-D


And I notice that I responded to his comment that I left my balls in the closet with a snappy, "Yeah, with my baseball bat." Wow.

Part of New is Acknowledging the Old

So I've been looking over some old posts I made on a message board I used to frequent and I found some stuff that struck me as being definitive of how I used to think and feel, and, to some extent, the feelings that I am now rediscovering.

On a thread entitled, "What kind of people do you love?":
- People who make eye contact, smile and say "Hi" as they walk by you on campus
- People that don't treat you like a moron when you're discussing something you know very little about (Eric doesn't use the boards, but I'll say "thank you" to him anyway)
- People who teach (even those that aren't in a classroom when they do it)
- People who appreciate the value of a good server (Thanks for the $20 tips on $50 checks!)
- Not necessarily people who forgive you more times than you deserve, but people who don't give up on you, no matter how far you fall



On "What do you want on your tombstone?":
- I want my tombstone to have a little slit in the top that's enough for people to drop money into, and there'll be a little tube that goes down into my casket. On the tombstone, I'm gonna have engraved: "Deposit $0.25 for Fortune," and then, when the money goes down, they won't get a fortune, and the money will be in my casket. Hahahaha!

Which was followed by a post of this convo with a friend of mine named Matt:

Matt: someone'll dig you up
Joker Ripper: That's the point.
Matt: oh
Matt: well I dig you up already hot stuff
Joker Ripper: Inside my casket I'll leave a note that says, "If you've dug me up, take the remains of my body to the nearest cloning facility and have me brought back to life."
Joker Ripper: Cause it'll actually be a refrigerator, not just a casket.
Joker Ripper: And I'll be preserved
Matt: hahaha

On a thread called "Happiness is...":
- Happiness to me is being oblivious to the cares and concerns that weigh me down daily ... it's being completely content where I am, and with the people who I love nearby.

Just really interesting to me to see things I wrote from a few years ago. Aside from this blog, I've never really kept any kind of journal or diary, so these are the closest things I have to any sort of daily memoirs.

My God, What Have I Done?

Apparently, I have done something that has greatly displeased Our Lord. He saw fit again to lure me into the open with sunshine and warm air, only to turn around after a short while and drown me in a flood that puts to shame Noah's little bathtime romp.

Seriously, if I thought I was wet yesterday, I was swimming on dry land today. I was wet in places I hadn't imagined could get wet while fully clothed. I, of course, mean the little cracks between your toes. What did you think I was talking about? But one might think to see me walking into the lobby of our apartment that I had swam back to Jersey City across the Hudson. The only give away that I hadn't was that my flesh wasn't rotting and I didn't smell of sewage. No, instead I smelled of hair wax or sculpting wax or whatever the hell the stuff is that I put in my hair.

If anyone out there can commune with God, please ask him what I can do to end this torrential rain that seems to seek me out only at times when I think not to bring an umbrella or, at the least, a hooded jacket. If I can thank Him for anything, though, my hair looks really cool when it's wet. Like supermodel sexy.

Can I get an Amen?

High and Low

I realize that all my posts for the past few days have been really optimistic (or should have been) and happy. But the truth of the matter is that for as much as my days seem brighter and happier, they most certainly have darker moments to them. Sad realizations and revelations quickly bring down my cheerful mood.

A few minutes ago, watching a video I made three years ago, I was struck by one such realization. That I have aged considerably in three years. I don't mean I have matured. Of course I have matured. But I mean, physically, I have aged a great deal. The person in the video had no grey hairs on his head. There were no creases in his forehead or bags around his eyes. And his eyes themselves had a fire in them.

It could be that the video was made in a goofy romantic way (which is something I miss) from a time when two hearts beat passionately for one another from hundreds of miles apart. Or it could be that he was just a really young soul, ambitious and naive in a good way - the way that all people should be in their hearts.

I went to the bathroom and did the same thing I have done many times in the past few weeks: I stared long and hard into the face of the man staring back at me. No longer that fiery-eyed boy, this person looked lonely and hurt. He looked tired and afraid. He looked old. He looked worn.

I stand on the brink of a personal evolution. And yet I am unable to continue forward. I'm waiting. And I'll wait as long as it takes for that which is necessary for me to take the next steps. Because I know I can't do it alone.

These darker moments are part of the greater struggle I face internally every waking moment (and often every dreaming one, too). It's difficult, but the light is winning. But it's difficult.

"Hosed"

Today God hosed me. Literally.

I don't get to hang out with my friends from school all too frequently; they're all pretty busy and I ... well, I live in fucking New Jersey. So when I got a call from Kent yesterday (or the day before, I can't remember) asking if I wanted to hang out after work (his work ... I have no job), I jumped at the opportunity. He had to take a raincheck because he was working late or something, so we agreed to meet today after work (his work ... I still didn't have a job).

I spent four hours waiting in the city, two and a half of which were spent reading Teddy Kennedy's new book America Back on Track, which is a brilliant document that could outline a potentially highly attractive Contract for America-style platform for the Dems to run on this election year. Then I decided I should head up to mid-town, where I was gonna meet Kent. Being early, I stopped in at Virgin to see if there was anything that could help light ablaze the money burning a hole in my pocket (from graduation! yay money!). I found a few things, of course, and bought them. Then, knowing the time was appropriate to head to our meeting spot, I exited the store ... and was promptly pissed on by the Lord.

He saw fit to hose me good, and within ten seconds, I was drenched. Having not worn a jacket (it was really nice when I left the apartment at 11:15AM), nor having a proper place to hide my electronics, I threw my iPod and cell phone in my Barnes and Noble bag (from the earlier purchase of Kennedy's book) and headed for the nearest R/W train. Fuck this shit, I was going home. But as I walked to the nearest station, and as I rode the train to City Hall, and as I walked in the rain from City Hall to the WTC PATH station, I could only do one thing - the only appropriate thing to do in such a situation: I laughed.

I laughed at myself. I laughed at the sky. I laughed and laughed. I was cold and I was wet. But it was funny to me. I don't know why. It just was.

When I got home, I bought myself a replacement dinner for whatever Kent had had in mind, watched some television and sat around in my boxers. My pants were wet and the dye from my jeans left blue marks on my brand new Sketchers. But I really don't give a damn.

Today was great. And the best parts I haven't even talked about. The highlight of my day was long before the rain, and if I hadn't been made so happy earlier in the day, I might have sworn at the sky when the torrents of icy cold rain fell upon me instead of laughing as I did.

Thankfully, my days seem so much brighter now. And with good reason. Regardless of whether he's my First Mate or just someone else on the ship along for the ride, I have a sailing buddy and he makes the darkness part for clearer skies and sunlit journeys.

Life is good.

Life's Calling

I have found a calling in life. I think I miss the key requirement that you have a passion for scotch. But damn does that sound like a sweet job. You're the Ambassador for SCOTCH! FUCK! You will represent alcohol. Not all alcohol. SCOTCH! Goddamn, that's brilliant. I mean, shit, I'd have considered myself a potentially good Senator of Tequila, but Scotch Ambassador? Fuck tequila. Does the Scotch Ambassador get a U.N. seat? He should.

Seemed Appropriate

I found these and they seemed appropriate for whatever it is I'm searching for:

You can understand the facts of life. But facts of love are much different. To love you love someone or someone loves you.. But when you both love each other you're in love with one another. First become friends and let it go. Then get serious and get together. Just make yourself known as a person not as someone you don't want to be known as... - Unknown

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. - Unknown

Trouble is part of your life — if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you a chance to love you enough. - Dinah Shore

True love never lives happily ever after - true love has no ending. - K Knight

Love is friendship set on fire. - Jeremy Irons (really! I'm not kidding!)

Well, you're getting the idea. These words mimic the thoughts I have always held on what love is, but now their ideas share truth with my belief in them. It's two worlds coming together for me - what I think and what I believe. It's not enough to say, "Yes, I think love is a wonderful thing." If you really understand that, you don't need to say it. You know that believing it is enough. Love really is a wonderful thing.

This quote, though, I found to be insightful. Because it accurately reflects a basic truth that I only recently realized on my own. To be honest, that anyone should share these words seems to diminish the value of discovering them on your own.

To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult; our human loneliness is cause enough. But it is a hard quest worth making to find a comrade through whose steady presence one becomes steadily the person one desires to be. - Anna Louise Strong

I'm going to go listen to some Ella Fitzgerald now and feel good about life.

The Night Has A Million Eyes

I feel sometimes that I'm being watched by someone or something from afar. Some days I think I hear that someone laughing; other days, crying. I woke up early this morning and wrote a letter to no one. Some nights I want to talk and not discuss. I just want to be heard, without a care for the response of the listener. I don't want to see anyone's face or hear their voice. I just want to say things. It's a difficult desire to fulfill because it's nearly impossible for people to respond in no way to your thoughts. But a letter to no one helps in some small way. Because I can say what I want. The problem, though, is that I still want someone to know what I'm thinking and feeling.

This post probably makes no sense. And it lacks metaphor and all the snazziness of my regular posts. Of course, it's absurd that I should be so self-appreciative of whatever modicum of writing ability I have. Some days I want to be inspected, my mind probed for all its secrets and unspoken truths. I want someone to pry through my life and see what I am and what I pretend to be. I want someone to find all of the pieces of the puzzle that are me and put them together, then show me the picture they form, however incomplete it may be at age 22.

I have left the lid open to my personal chest, allowing unfettered access to the deepest parts of me. But there's no one interested in taking a peek. There's no one in the room. There's no one in the house. Some days it feels like there's no one in the world.

"What is happiness to you, David?"

A companion who won't leave me when the path gets rough, the skies dark and the night cold. Someone who will carry me when I can't walk, who will lean on me when they're hurting. A person who isn't afraid to look into the box and put together pieces of the puzzle that they find. I just want someone to be with.


Would you catch me if I was falling?
Would you kiss me if I was leaving?
Would you hold me cause I'm lonely without you?

First Chances, Second Chances

I have been thinking a lot lately about the differences between how people handle personal crises and conflicts. It's interesting because almost everyone around me has told me the same thing about my own situation at the moment - and their advice ignores an important core element of my belief system: redemption and second chances.

See, I think there are certain people who are willing to invest trust in people from the beginning, giving them the benefit of the doubt. This requires a lot of faith in people as a whole, especially in such cynical times. Other people are willing to give people the opportunity to redeem themselves (should their crime be of such a nature as to require redemption), or simply give them a second chance to make things right. This also requires a great deal of faith in the inherent goodness in people - frequently, these believers in redemption get taken advantage of time after time.

Unfortunately, though, I think that a great deal of people are willing to do neither; they suspect people's intentions from the onset and are unwilling to give people a second chance when they mess up just once.

This observation comes with no assessment of what this means in the grand scheme of things, nor with any advice as to what people should be willing or unwilling to do. I simply note that these conditions exist and allow many people the opportunity to find something great in their lives when others would close their eyes, hoping that blindness would let them see no evil.

I spent a good deal of my life blindly giving faith to everyone I met and giving them second chances and third chances and fourth chances. After years of people that I called "friends " abusing that faith, I'm now weary of people I have never met, though not to the point of outright suspicion or questioning their intentions; it simply takes me longer to give them my full trust - and few people even now have that.

However, despite my reservations in new encounters, I am still willing to look past mistakes and poor choices - or even choices that are to some extent malicious - and allow for the possibility of righting those wrongs. Because, by my nature, I am a hopeful person. And if you aren't willing to have faith that people who do bad things can still be good people, you sabotage hope and you sabotage your relationships.

Eventually, you sabotage your own happiness.

People fuck up and that's life. That's how it goes. Mistakes are made all the time. You can regret them, you can wish you never made them, but it doesn't change the fact that they happened. But the hope in those situations is that you can move on and become a better person for them.

On Best Friends

The last time I had someone I considered a "best friend" was in high school. Sometime during the course of those four years, my impression of how my relationships with people worked was that I had really close friends, friends I might invite to a holiday party, and people I just knew.

Since I can't pinpoint exactly when it was that I stopped having a "best friend," it really struck me when I realized recently that I do have one - a person I have been close to for three years now, but only recently became close enough to truly call him a "best friend."

This has made life immeasurably better for me, as I know I have someone who, beyond my close friends, I can tell literally every detail of my troubles and joys without fear of their being at all judgemental of me. This aspect of our relationship was tested recently in a manner so strangely personal that it leads me to believe that he may be the only person on the planet that thinks in the way he does. That would make him one in six billion - truly an amazing stroke of luck that he should be my best friend.

A New World of Uncertainty

Surprisingly - and I don't know how much of this I have mentioned - recent events have left me uncertain about my own future, despite awakening me to a greater awareness of myself and what I had allowed myself to become in my complacency. I've been looking at different jobs in the city with companies ranging from Warner Bros and Sony to Scholastic and Penguin.

To be honest, right now, my interest is mostly in finding a way to enjoy the city life that I have so avoided (or ignored) for the past three years. To do this, I think it'd be nice to live in the city when the lease is up in September. And it would require me to make ... well, more money than I'm making now ... which is none. So my first priority right now is setting up some kind of solid ground for myself to stand on - or at least find a foothold in the really rocky, really high wall I'm trying to climb.

I have shifted gears on my film to suit my current resources; I'll be shooting in HD, doc-style, with a minimal budget and crew. Since I'm focusing on my writing and professional career, I don't feel compelled to hold off on the rest of my life while I struggle to put together this project.

As for everything else, well, life has certainly become much more interesting. I've been exposed to - and opened my ears to - new music (or old music that I actually listened to this time). I've read an old book that I didn't get into last time I tried to read it, this time unable to put it down. And I've been thinking about things with a very different, much more open mindset.

It's scary how different I feel. After many, many years of pretending I knew who I was, standing in a room and proclaiming, "This is me, and this is who I am," I realize that there were doors to parts of me I had never opened - or never had an interest in opening.

For anyone who has read Ishmael (and I recommend that you read it if you haven't), the thing I've realized about myself is that I have been enacting the Taker story of how Man came to be: There was me in elementary school, me in high school, then me at Towson. Then there was me at NYU, and I grew into what I thought was the perfect me. And I said, "This is it, I am who I am. And I am who I was supposed to become. I need not go any further, nor look any further, because there is nothing better than this." And I was wrong. I was really, really, unbelievably wrong. Because now I am something new, something better. And I'm pretty sure that I have more growing to do.

Clumsily, I Stepped Into the Fray

It's a difficult thing, to watch someone struggle with something that only they can fully grasp. You can understand a great deal of the problem - the very nature of the problem - but frequently, the only thing you can do is step back and let them sort it out on their own.

I, however, am known for my untimely injections into the "sorting" process. Someone I care about very deeply is sorting things out, and I stepped in and perhaps dropped what might be just another grain of dust into the whirlwind, or, at worst, some type of explosive charge that will not allow the dust to settle. It was my intention to calm the winds with an awakening reminder of brighter days and great affections.

Sometimes, however, even if it is the explosive charge, it is not as destructive as it seems - moreso startling than anything else - and it pushes the swirling concerns away long enough for you to see where you're going, and to take shelter until the storm can pass.

Spring blooms and you find the love that's true
But you don't know what now to do ...

New Visions

I have renamed this blog to represent an idea that I had. I'm going to start working soon on getting notes and details down about some worlds I left in the back of my imagination a long time ago. And then I'm going to write their stories.

I Get It Now

If anyone were to wonder what I have gone through in the past two days, I can point them simply to the only possible means of explaining this transformation: the last scene in Scrooged. Bill Murray managed to tap into this feeling - this thing - that is unbelievable. Because, when you finally feel it, you do cry. And it is like that feeling that Ricky describes in American Beauty; "Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in." That's what I have been feeling.

It is amazing. I feel infinite.

Evolution

ev·o·lu·tion (v-lshn, v-)
n.

1. A gradual process in which something changes into a different and usually more complex or better form. See Synonyms at development.
2. 1. The process of developing.
   2. Gradual development.

I have evolved. I feel amazing.

Limbo

I'm now in limbo. That is all.

True to Myself

Today has been a day of great awakening for me. I have discovered that I have not been true to myself - to the spirit of who I really am - for quite some time. This has, unfortunately, cost me my relationship, but also brought me down as a person. I have spent the past two years perpetuating a fabricated version of who I am. I have lied to everyone I know, including myself, and don't want to do that anymore.

I won't pretend that this is confidence in my previous choice of career paths - I have no idea what I want to do once I graduate. However, this awakening does bring me a renewed confidence in who I am. I feel that today I am a much better person than I was yesterday.

Anyone who reads this blog and knows me personally has been lied to by some point. Not necessarily by the creation of a falsehood, but by the omission of the truth. I apologize to my friends and family for this, and there is one person in particular who I have apologized to and sincerely regret misleading.

I will explain to everyone, personally, what I mean when I say these things - I will not talk about it here. But do know, and I hope you believe this, any time something struck you as being particularly bright about me in the past few years, it was this David, the one writing this today, shining through the darkness of the clouds of deception I have drawn about me. The last two years of my life have not been a lie in their entirety. They simply haven't been entirely truthful.

Um ... One More

Your Power Color Is Teal

At Your Highest: You feel accomplished and optimistic about the future. At Your Lowest: You feel in a slump and lack creativity. In Love: You tend to be many people's ideal partner. How You're Attractive: You make people feel confident and accepted. Your Eternal Question: "What Impression Am I Giving?"

What's Your Power Color?

Another One of Those Quizzes

You Are Somewhat Machiavellian

You're not going to mow over everyone to get ahead... But you're also powerful enough to make things happen for yourself. You understand how the world works, even when it's an ugly place. You just don't get ugly yourself - unless you have to!

How Machiavellian Are You?

One of Those Quizzes I Haven't Done in Forever

You Are 22 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

Those Sci-Fi Dating Options

I'm willing to bet that over the course of the past five days, I've lost as many pounds. I'm slim and looking good, and I'm pretty sure I can see my abs. Someone joked to me today that the week-long depression and weight loss is nature's way of helping us look sexy for the rebound. To be honest, I'd want to do me if I were someone else.

Which leads me to the title of this post.

(You know where this is going, right?)

You know how people say that someone is "In love with himself?" I think that if I had the option to clone myself, I'd probably simply opt to date me (errr ... me 2.0). I know what I like, and I'm willing to give it to myself. I know what I'm thinking, so hopefully Two would, too. No failure to communicate, no sad loss when you part ways (just clone yourself again!). Hell, with both of you working on the things you like, you could double your income and productivity.

The downside is the loss of the things that make normal relationships worthwhile. The highs and the lows of dating someone that you can't predict, keeping you on your toes. The variance in personality makes relationships fun - because you have to be active to keep the relationship alive. If you know what to expect, or don't try to stay in tune, it's hard to make it work. Because you aren't making it work - you're letting it go.

If you truly love someone, and I believe this even now - especially now! - you will want only one thing for them: to be happy. Every person has a right to be happy - and a right to seek that happiness however they see fit. But in a relationship, you have a responsibility to the other person; to letting them know what you are thinking.

A long time ago, I didn't do that and it bit us in the ass. Recently, he didn't do that and it didn't just bite us in the ass this time; it flat out cut us down.

If I could recommend to anyone reading this blog one thing about relationships, it is to be wholly, truly and often painfully honest with your partner. Talking is the only way to stay in tune. Otherwise, you might just be better off with the clone.

Complacency, It Can Be So Vicious

I believe I may have used that before in a title. However, the depth and meaning of that has finally hit me. When you spend a lot of time happy or unhappy, you become complacent and allow life to roll over you - sometimes with the force of a tsunami. Instead of riding each wave - the ups and the downs, both - you get caught in it. You start to sink into the vicious indifference of the day-to-day.

I have taken a great deal of the last three years for granted. I've been stressed out over school, films, my future, and haven't taken the opportunity to invest myself into the things that were really important - myself, my relationship, my friends. I have been drowning for a while in that dark waters of indifference.

What I've come to realize is that time, being what it is, doesn't stand still. You need to catch each moment and respect it for what it is and what it brings. If you're looking to the future - where I've been looking for far too long - you miss the now.

And that sounds so simple. It's sounds "last-five-minutes-of-television-sitcom" simple. But it's ... wow. The magnitude of this realization has left me stunned. If I have been unhappy in the past few years, it's not because I am in an unhappy situation - it's because I've let myself become unhappy. I've sabotaged my own joy.

I keep asking for a happy ending to this episode, but what I haven't been able to grasp until recently is that I should be asking for a happy beginning. Whatever happens next, I have to ride it out instead of sinking into it.

Subjective Edits

I've pulled the last two posts from this blog. I hope no one minds, but I realize I put some personal stuff on this site that really shouldn't be here.