Um ... Retraction

Christ, I'm bored. I'm so fucking bored. Even if I had a job, I think I'd still be bored. What the fuck ... what the fuck ...

It's So Slow Here

"Wow."

That's really all I can say about life here in Maryland. Everything is considerably slower. The day actually lasted longer and I got more stuff done in the time I was out today than I would have if I were in New York.

I can't even begin to describe how enjoyable I'm finding it to be back in the Old Line State. So I'm not even gonna try ...

The Gospel of Saint Mick

No, you can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometime you find
You get what you need

The Big 45

Advanced Big 45 Personality Test Results Extroversion |||||||||||||||||| 59% Accommodation |||||||||||||||||||||||| 77% Orderliness |||||||||||||||||| 58% Emotional Stability |||||||||||| 35% Openmindedness |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 83%

Take Free Advanced Big 45 Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Factor		low score	high score
Gregariousness	54%	quiet, reclusive	engaging, socially bold
Sociability	66%	withdrawn, hidden	warm, open, inviting
Assertiveness	66%	timid, gunshy	controlling, aggressive
Poise	58%	uneasy around others	socially comfortable
Leadership	66%	stays in background	prefers to lead
Provocativeness	70%	modest, plays it safe	bold, uninhibited, cocky
Self-Disclosure	42%	private, contained	very open and revealing
Talkativeness	70%	quiet, stealthy, invisible	motor mouth, loud
Group Attachment	42%	loves solitude	prefers to be with others
Understanding	78%	insensitive, schizoid	respectful, sympathetic
Warmth	82%	disinterested in others	supportive, helpful
Morality	62%	break/ignore the rules	play by the rules
Pleasantness	70%	aloof or disagreeable	gets along with others
Empathy	82%	out of tune w/ others	in tune with others
Cooperation	70%	competitive, warlike	agreeable, peaceful
Sympathy	82%	socially inconsiderate	socially conscious
Tenderness	82%	cold hearted, selfish	warm hearted, selfless
Nurturance	86%	self pleasing, me first	people pleasing, me last
Conscientiousness	50%	reckless, unscheduled	careful, planner
Efficiency	50%	unreliable, lazy	finisher, follows through
Dutifulness	74%	leisurely, derelict	strict, rule abiding
Purposefulness	46%	inattentive, undisciplined	prepared, focused
Organization	78%	relaxed, oblivious	detail oriented, anal
Cautiousness	30%	impulsive, spendthrift	restrained, cautious
Rationality	66%	irrational, random	direct, logical
Perfectionism	66%	careless, error prone	detail obsessed
Planning	66%	disorganized, random	scheduled, clean
Stability	38%	easily frustrated	calm, cool, unphased
Happiness	62%	unhappy, dissatisfied	self content, positive
Calmness	34%	touchy, volatile	even tempered, tolerant
Moderation	38%	needs instant gratification	easily delays gratification
Toughness	50%	hypersensitive, moody	thick skinned
Impulse Control	26%	lacks self control	maintains composure
Imperturbability	14%	highly emotional	emotionally contained
Cool-headedness	38%	demanding, controlling	accommodating
Tranquility	22%	emotionally volatile	emotionally neutral
Intellect	90%	instinctive, non-analytical	intellectual, analytical
Ingenuity	86%	lacks new ideas	innovative, novel
Reflection	86%	unreflective, coarse	art and beauty lover
Competence	78%	slow to understand/think	intellectual, brainy
Quickness	78%	intellectually dependent	intellectually independent
Introspection	78%	not self reflective	self searching
Creativity	90%	dull headed	synthesizer, iconoclast
Imagination	78%	practical, realistic	dreamer, unrealistic
Depth	90%	lacks curiosity	mental explorer

Take Free Advanced Big 45 Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

The Liquid Calorie Diet

I'm back to the point where nervousness has made it impossible to keep down solid food other than a few crackers and an occasional chip or two. I'm now running essentially on liquid smoothie drinks that are high in calories.

I can't begin to describe how shitty my position is right now. In fact, I just wrote an entire paragraph describing half of the situation, but I deleted it thinking that perhaps this is not the best forum to discuss what I want to discuss.

In the end, the real cause of my nausea is my forced departure from Manhattan. As much as I would like to stay here, barely thriving financially and coming close to needing welfare to survive, I have concluded that the most fiscally responsible thing I could do right now is head back to Maryland to regroup and put my life in order.

I will speak honestly to what really bothers me about leaving, though. At this point, my feelings on the matter are so transparent that I see no reason not to explain exactly what I am really frustrated over.

I'm upset because things haven't worked out between William and I. I'm heartbroken that we haven't reconciled as a couple. We are friends and we talk and hang out occasionally, but to me, he means so much more still. Despite the nature of our break-up at the time, I still see so much more worth loving in him than I do worth disliking. And now, leaving here - even despite my belief that we never know what the future holds - I feel as though any likelihood, however small, of our two becoming one again is gone.

Even if I came back in six months, I know full-well how easy it is to forget about someone when they aren't around every day. It was a month after JJ left New York that I found someone else who took the core of my affections away from my ex-fiance. While he has occasionally crossed my mind, JJ does not frequently occupy my thoughts.

At this point, I don't even see the value in continuing to voice my frustrations, as talking achieves very little. But as I'm able to do even less, all I have is the ability to speak up and say, "This sucks, I'm a little tired of this crap!"

And to be honest, I really am tired of this. The events that have transpired over the course of the past two years, both within my control and not, have led me to this point: fucked over financially and twice-bitten in the ass by love. We have that cliché that "life isn't fair," but that's bullshit and we all know it. I'm not a bad person, and I'm tired of being conspired against by Fate and Chance.

I'm going home to Maryland and once I've paid down my debts, I'm gonna kick the ever-living fuck out of life and take what's owed me. My debts to others are one thing, but I'm owed big time by whomever is running this fucking show. I'm done riding these things out and being left half-drowned at the end. It's time for me to score one for myself.

Spirit on Broadway

I wrote this today as I was roaming around the city:

Like a ghost, I float down Broadway
The summer breeze, it blows right through me.
No one notices my face, no one speaks my name
No one calls out to me -
GODDAMN, that taxi almost hit me
It's like I'm already gone ...
Like a ghost, I float down Broadway

Quote of the Day

"I have descended into madness!" - Me
"You can't help that, we're all mad here!" - The Cheshire Cat

Funny Skit

That Feeling

I was talking to someone today who had just broken up with her boyfriend. She's a lot younger than I am, but to me, relationships - as young and immature as they may be at her age - are still relationships and the fundamental rules of love and life will always apply. The conversation led me to an examination of what happens to the love you have for a person after you are no longer together:

Her: i am still in love with him..and he is still in love with me..but i am just tring to move on but i still have that feeling for him
BanjokerFilms: It doesn't go away
BanjokerFilms: Even when you find someone else, it's hides in the recesses of your mind and your heart.
BanjokerFilms: The love you have for someone never really goes away. It just gets buried
BanjokerFilms: And every now and then, you hear a song or smell a scent or see a movie on TV that reminds you of that person
BanjokerFilms: And the joy of the time you spent with them comes back, and the love you have for them swells in your heart
BanjokerFilms: And you miss them all over again
BanjokerFilms: Because no matter how bad the bad times were, the good times were greater. And they never go away.
BanjokerFilms: It never goes away

Occasionally There Are Those Moments

When I consider how long I've been here in New York and how infrequently I go home, I find that I am forced to question what things I miss about Maryland. I miss the quiet of living in the suburbs sometimes. I miss the openness of it a lot. I miss having space ... a lawn ... the pool. Camden Yards. Ocean City. I miss having a car and being able to drive.

But most of all, I miss my family. And right now, I really miss Kasey. I was looking at her MySpace profile and when I saw all of her pictures I realized that I know pretty much nothing about her life now. What she does for fun, and who she does it with; how she's doing in school; if she has a boyfriend I don't like. It's sad to think that I have little clue as to who my sister is - or rather, what she's become since I left.

I talk to my mom and dad, and I speak to Kate a lot. But I rarely ever talk to Kasey, and sometimes I wonder if she feels as unknowing of who I am as I am of who she is. I was thinking more and more about what it would be like to move back to Maryland. Among the few things that made be believe it could be a good idea was the notion that if I lived there I might have more opportunity to find out who my little sister is ... and that alone makes it seem like it'd be worth the move.

Better Than

All the time while you're looking away
There are things you can do man
There's things you can say
To the the ones you're with
With whom you're spending your today
Get your gaze off tomorrow
And let come what may

All I know is sometimes things can be hard
But you should know by now
They come and they go
So why, oh why
Do I look to the other side
'Cos I know the grass is greener but
Just as hard to mow

Life's not about what's better than.

Lyrics That I Like

I was listening to this just now and I love these lyrics from "As Time Goes By:"

It's still the same old story
A fight for love and glory
A case of do or die.
The world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by.

The List So Far

Jason Patric
Justin Mentell
Joe Pantoliano
Chazz Palminteri

Thought This Was Funny ...

Most definitely worth a read.

Afraid of Cock

Quote of the Day

Also, here's a Quote of the Day, which is exceptional for two reasons: first, it will be the 400th post on this blog. And second, because it's from me, and I don't generally approve of quoting one's self. However, I thought that this was a damned good line and I thought I should get credit for saying it. I think I'll just put it in a screenplay or something.

"I'm not looking for greener grass anymore. I'm looking for better fertilizer." - July 30, 2007

I Just Don't Understand ...

Tonight is one of those nights where the writing is hard. I absolutely need to write something here, though, because I can feel it inside of me - all those emotions swelling up, building to a roar. I feel lost, anxious and alone ... and excited, carefree and content at the same time. I don't even know how that's possible.

I have a theory as to why it's so hard for me to talk about my emotions and my inner-most thoughts to other people: I think that my self-imposed isolation from other people throughout most of high school led me to more frequently evaluate myself privately, leaving me without the compulsion to talk to other people about those sorts of things. I spent a lot of time alone or avoiding people, then questioned why I wasn't surrounded by tons of friends.

It's really no surprise to me that I found comfort under the bright lights of the stage. It was there that I could turn a character and find the satisfaction of being surrounded by people who were watching me perform.

It's occurred to me as of late that I really miss acting. Not enough to try to pursue it again, but enough to make me recall that I really enjoyed playing a part in a bigger story.

I think the reason that I've spent so much time being unsatisfied with where I'm at in life is because, for a long time, I couldn't see where I fit into the story and that bothered me. Now, I see it as more of an improvisation - and that's something I'm pretty good at doing.

So now I'm improvising my way through this crazy performance and I'm just waiting for my big scene.